The un-sexiest superheroes ever

A few more hours and the verdict will be out on Ra.One. Purely on the basis of what I’ve seen in trailers, Ra.One’s superhero looks inspired by Tron Legacy, Iron Man, Storm, Magneto and the baby blue eyes (note: not a superhero trait, purely aesthetic in nature) all in one. And as if this wasn’t enough, Arjun Rampal looks more drool-worthy than Shah Rukh. It’s a cardinal cinematic sin for the anti-hero to look like a million bucks while the hero looks, well, like his side-kick. Not sexy, and definitely not cool.

Needless to say that while we hope the misplaced casting in Ra.One somehow works in Shah Rukh’s favour, we can’t help but recall the unfortunate misfits who donned the superhero suit in celluloid history. Shah Rukh might have buffed up to play the superhero but these poor heroes couldn’t quite pull off the sexy superhero persona. May all the original superheroes forgive them.

Amitabh Bachchan in Ajooba

Directed by Shashi Kapoor and Gennadi Vasilyev, the movie is about Ajooba aka Ali, a masked legend and the only protector of the people of Baharistan. He’s the intended heir to the throne but his parents are overthrown by evil, Vazir. It all works out in the end when Amitabh re-instates his parents to the throne. The difference between the story and the execution is that while the synopsis of the movie doesn’t read so bad, when you watch middle-aged Amitabh attempting a somersault and fighting off the tiger you don’t know whether Amitabh is clutching onto the fake big tiger teddy for dear life or grinding his teeth thinking of what he’s doing in ill-fitting kurta-pajama and boots in the middle of nowhere. Hardly the stuff superheroes are made of, Amitabh’s missing six-pack makes him your unconventional, well-fed ‘Ajooba’. Miraculous feat you just can’t miss: Ajooba kicks the tiger in the end and the tiger does a Namaste. The tiger turns out to be more of the superhero here.

Michael Keaton as Batman

A year before Keaton became Batman, he was Beetlejuice in Tim Burton’s 1988 movie by the same name. There he a plays ghostbuster/bio-exorcist. Now imagine a permanently shocked funny-looking Beetlejuice cast as Batman, Gotham’s dark avenger. It might have been some kind of casting against type. But sadly, it does not make for a pretty picture or even comes close to Christian Bale in Batman Begins. The caped crusader could have not been more staid than Keaton, totally lacking in sex appeal.

Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man 3

First thing first, I have to say Tobey wasn’t so terrible in the first and second instalment of Spider-Man as the awkward high school student who is bitten by a spider and gains spider-like abilities. It’s the third instalment that actually opens your eyes to the nightmare in motion. Peter Parker/Tobey Maguire gets weird hair in the movie, still doesn’t have a back bone, is lacking in personality, and has a fiend who looks hotter than him along with fantastic James Franco. If you thought the awkward boy would have finally become the man he should’ve, you thought wrong, he still remains sappy more than strapping. Tobey Maguire is cute but not quite the studly superhero. He ends up more like a cute little dopey bug.

Abhishek Bachchan in Drona

In 2008, before the release of the movie Abhishek Bachchan said Drona was his biggest, and best movie till date. Ahem…more like it was the biggest and best lie Abhishek told us to date. It’s about a young man in a dynasty of ancestral warriors dedicated to guarding some kind of mystic cosmic energy.  The movie frustrates and so does the protagonist. The bandana sporting, zardozi wearing superhero Drona, in yet again ill-fitted in non-superhero like gear, and totally fails to save the sinking ship. The only superpower Abhishek seems to have in the movie is deliver punches and pull off a horse-riding sequence on a railway track. Give us Fearless Nadia any day for that. And then there Drona’s pet dialogue on loop throughout: ‘Humney shrishti ko bachana hoga (we have to save the universe)’. Lesson for Abhishek: No Abhishek, you have to save yourself and us from being completely disenchanted by the desi superhero genre.

Honourable mention of this superhero may not do anything to tip the gender scales, but we just had to…

Halle Berry in Catwoman

Alright she might not be unsexy but she was a misfit here. Halle Berry played the shy woman who turns into Catwoman with the speed, senses and reflexes of a cat walking the thin line between criminal and hero in the 2004 movie. Berry forgets how to act in this film, while Sharon Stone acts as if she’s still in Basic Instinct. Not a patch on Catwoman portrayed by Michelle Pfeiffer in 1992 Batman Returns, Halle Berry, despite her super-fit body, looks like she’d be more at ease playing the victim than the saviour. People who expected Batman villainess Selina Kyle, instead got murdered woman named Patience Philips who was brought back by an Egyptian cat Goddess and given feline superpowers. Several writers argued over who would get the credits before the release of the movie for gems like this one: “What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?” Yep, sure did after we saw the movie and Halle’s moves.