Whacky sex positions: Experimenting isn't always the right answer

Hi,

I’m 25 years old and am in a relationship for the last three years. We had a healthy relationship until last month. Something has suddenly changed and he keeps talking about sexual positions and insists of doing things I don’t like. What should I do?

Yours,

Strategic Positioning

Dear Strategic Positioning,

First things first: if you don’t want to do something, do not do it. Don’t fall for that old wives’ tale about accommodating and adjusting. You won’t salvage your relationship by participating in a threesome if you’d rather pick on your dandruff instead. If you think you’re doing him or your relationship a favour by attempting something you’re inherently uncomfortable with, you’re not. All you’re doing is making yourself unhappy, which, if it is actually a healthy relationship, will make him unhappy too.

Given this business of new positions is a recent misgiving on his part, it could be that his friends have introduced him to Brazzers’ latest. And we all know that mainstream porn coupled with peer pressure has a way of spiraling healthy relationships into the dumps. Unfortunately, mainstream porn serves as sex education in India, which is a damn shame because — news flash — it’s being done by actors who usually look and sound like they’re faking it because they are, in fact, faking the whole sexcapade. Sex in real life is about both partners’ needs being met. In porn, the female partner is used as a prop. Most porn focuses on the subjugation of women’s bodies and not their pleasure. That fantasy may work for some, but others can be left with a “This is giving me a neck sprain. How is this supposed to make me feel good?” feeling. Most porn conditions people to think of sex as something that is done to a woman and not something that is done with a woman. In reality, only Delhi street contortionists can arch their backs that low and deep throat that deep.

I hope you’re not feeling dejected for wanting some good ol’ missionary sex. Doggy style isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. It’s alright to not want to experiment with different positions, but that said, you must evaluate the reasons for your own discomfort when your boyfriend attempts/suggests new positions. Does he not ask for your consent before attempting Ron Jeremy’s finest? Because he must ask. There are no two ways about it. Par example, before every blow job, your partner should seek your consent before his load makes frandship with your esophagus. Far too many times I’ve heard of men considering it their birthright to ejaculate on their girlfriend’s faces. Unless the woman agrees to this final hurrah, it is unacceptable.

But regardless of the long-standing pleasures provided by the missionary position, I don’t want to jump the gun and tell you to end the relationship on account of his insensitivity. The onus of an honest discussion lies with you too. When it comes to sex and how two people are going to do it, honesty is the best policy. Sure, sometimes honesty leads to you being labelled a whistleblower and having to move to Russia, but this doesn’t sound like one of those situations.

When you say he keeps talking about sexual positions, is he asking you to be more experimental in bed? If so, why does that make you feel uncomfortable? If the positions and acts make you uncomfortable because good girls don’t do such haram things, think again. It could be that in reality, those kinky acts are less haram than buying over-priced organic food. And way more fun than living up the pseudo sustainability fad.

But don’t forget, whatever position the two of you adopt, your consent is crucial. Talk to him, educate him, open his eyes to the idea that the Kamasutra illustrations come with safety warnings and may only be replicated by professionals and gymnasts. Explain to him why his new demands make you uncomfortable. The new positions and role-play situations that you try as a couple must entice and satisfy you both.

If he still insists that you follow his lead, then, dump-a-ling-ling.

I know that it’d be a three-year investment down the drain, but look at the bright side – no more golden showers. Not that I’m judging, to each their own, really. But from where I’m sitting, it’s better you end up single with two cats than in a relationship that’d leave you feeling sexually insecure, frustrated and inadequate. Nobody has the right to make you feel like that.

Love, Ms K

If you’ve got questions for Ms K, please send an email to dontcallmeaunty@gmail.com.