The boyfriend finds the vagina smelly? Ask him to suck it up!

Dear Ms K,

“My boyfriend doesn’t like going down on me. He’ll go till my navel and then come back up. I’m wondering if it is because of what it smells like down there? I’ve tried using different soaps, but it hasn’t helped. He still doesn’t do it and I feel bad asking him to, because I guess smell is important? But the thing is, when he wants me to go down on him, I don’t say no and it’s not like he doesn’t smell. So two questions: how to tell him without hurting his feelings? And how to get rid of my smell?”

Yours,

Smelly Cat

Dear Smelly Cat,

To the men who’ve made you feel uneasy about your scent and treated your navel as the Indo-Pak border, I say: do unto others as you would have them do unto you – you no eat me out, I no suck your peepee.

Your vagina doesn’t smell like roses because it’s not supposed to. Throw out the ylang-ylang douchebaggery you’ve bought to make it smell like Nehru Park. It’s a vagina and it has a scent! If you continue to self-reject your scent, chances of him ever loving it are minimal.

We must stop treating our vaginas like war zones. They are not playgrounds for cosmetic experiments – there should be no changing their colour, their scent or their physical appearance. Your clit is where it needs to be, your labia is as big as it should be, your scent is as acidic as it could be and your colour is beautiful. Anybody who tells you otherwise is not worth sucking off.

Though if you still feel that it smells too funky down there, excuse yourself and wash your vagina with water. There’s no shame in that. But no douches, soaps or shampoos please, they tend to mess up the pH balance of your vagina.

I lead by example so pay attention.

As a naïve twenty-something-old, I too wanted to make my coochie-coo smell like a strawberry tart….and you know how the Gods punished me? With a yeast infection. Don’t even get me started on how awkward the conversation between my gynecologist, my mother and me was.

‘Ma, I think I have a yeast infection.’

‘Shut up, you’re not married. You can’t have it.’

‘That’s what you said about the UTI. I’m going to the gynecologist.’ ‘I’m coming with you.’

‘Doc, my vagina itches. Make it go away.’

‘Are you married?’ Mother heaves a sigh in the background. ‘No’.

‘Are you sexually active?’

Awkward silence. ‘NOPE.’

‘You have a yeast infection. Take this medicine; it’ll help restore your pH balance. And wear cotton underwear.’

Now that you know that your grandmother and I wear the same-style cotton underwear, you’ll also be happy to know that I’ve learnt my lesson. The vagina is self-cleansing, which means that all you need to do is just wash it with water. We kill the good bacteria when we introduce soaps, gels and douches to the mix. Result: Ze itch. You may love your boyfriend a lot, but no amount of love is worth that itch. That itch nearly cost me my sanity. India’s itching tolerance only extends to that of the scrotum. God forbid women start going at theirs in public. Danggein hojayenge!

Onto the secondary task of telling him to wash his penis: make him follow the same routine of washing it right before oral sex. Or spice it up and offer to wash him yourself. Unlike the vagina, the penis is not self-cleansing so feel free to soap him up to your nose’s content. The specific areas that need regular washing are the base of the penis and testicles. That’s usually where sweat and hair can cause an unholy odour. Use a mild soap and be gentle. Using talcum power or spraying deodorant on and around the penis is a big no-no (especially if your partner is uncircumcised, the ingredients can get under the foreskin and cause irritation).

If you feel that you’re still uncomfortable with his scent then you must confess the same. Sexual experiences can only be enjoyed if both partners are honest about what works and doesn’t work during oral and penetrative sex.

In case your situation doesn’t improve and he continues to play tonsil hockey with your navel, it’s time to call it quits. Sorry boo, what needs to be done has gotsa to get done.

In other news, ‘smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.’

Love,

Ms K

Please send questions for Ms K to dontcallmeaunty@gmail.com .