Before giving details about our special investigation, we have to thank retired Rajasthan High Court judge Justice Mahesh Chandra Sharma.
If people like Sharma did not exist, a lot of us at FP Special Forces would not have jobs. People like him are the ones who — with their enlightening words of wisdom —
give people reasons to keep us employed inspire us to conduct meaningful probes.
Apart from saying that the cow should be made the national animal, Sharma on Wednesday said that peacocks are brahmacharis (celibate) who impregnate peahens with their tears.
"Peacock too has his qualities. He is a life-long celibate. He does not indulge in sex with peahen. The peahen gives birth after it gets impregnated with the tears of the peacock. A peacock or a peahen is then born... Lord Krishna used peacock's feather for celibacy of the bird," said the wise judge, assuring all of us in less than two minutes that the Indian judiciary is in safe hands... following his retirement, of course.
Sharma's revelation made us realise some startling facts.
First off, there are several videos which clearly show some unsanskaari peacocks mating. The videos are obviously doctored (Duh!). But what is startling is the huge number of these doctored videos that are available on the internet.
There are also several websites that spread lies about how the male peacock spreads his tail feathers to attract the peahen, after which the peafowls align their sexual organs (known as cloacas) and have (gasp!) sex!
These facts — based on scientific evidence, logic and common sense — are obviously lies which try to hide the "alternative facts", based on...well...err...who needs reasoning anyway? Clearly, you do not need it to become a high court judge.
We at FP Special Forces are a bit too obsessed with alternative facts and bring you a super-duper-mega-exclusive 'alternative' interview with a peacock.
(If you are wondering how we managed to interview a peacock, by the way, just remember that there was a Pakistani reporter who once actually interviewed a buffalo.)
There has been a lot of speculation about how you bear offspring. What is the truth?
We are above your petty human ways. The only human being who knows our sanskaari ways is the one who goes by the name of Sharma. We indeed use our tears filled with good values and a hint of misogyny to impregnate peahens. Sex is an obsolete way of reproduction for us.
But sex is just natural and also a lot of fun. What is so wrong about sexua-...?
Silence, lowly mortal! What your kind will never understand is that good values can never be fun. Fun equals sin. Genitals equal sin. Lust is bad. Reproductive fluids are bad. Orgasms are evil. Higher beings do not have what you call 'fun'.
But what about other animals? Sex is a natural way of reproduction for them too, isn't it?
Why do you think this planet has seen so many mass extinctions till now? Disaster struck life on earth many times because most animals were paying for their sins. Eventually, when all life around us starts declining, we the peafowls will ultimately rule the earth because we never had sex.
Some reports have alleged that you spread your feathers in a large fan-like shape to actually mate with peahen. Is that true?
What profanity! That is just a sign we use to tell peahens that our tears have become sanskaari enough to be used to bear children. Natural selection has nothing to do with it. These are just lies spread by human beings using the most evil thing that has existed — science.
Finally, what are your views on Pahlaj Nihalani?
He was definitely a peacock in his last life.
Updated Date: Jun 01, 2017 13:50 PM