No paparazzi in India, so why is Kat sending media pouty letters?

Earlier this year, before the Royal Baby won the Internet in viraasat, French magazine Closer published topless pictures of Kate Middleton, sunbathing in a French chateau owned by the Queen’s nephew. This incident is particularly irksome as they were on private property, doing private things like getting an even tan; because even the Royal Couple is like regular people inasmuch as they don’t like their bodies being shade cards for Fair and Lovely.

Unfortunately, a photographer caught Kate Middleton with her bikini top off, and the rest as they say, is tabloid frenzy.

That this constitutes a gross invasion of the royal couple’s privacy is under no dispute. Irrespective of whether I am a celebrity, I have the right to frolic naked in a privately-owned French chateau without living in fear of being photographed.

It’s not quite the same as what happened with Katrina Kaif, however.

Kaif and her alleged lovemuffin Ranbir Kapoor were enjoying a Spanish holiday on a public stretch of beach, where they were photographed in their swimwear and published in a film magazine; a fact that caused Kaif so much distress that it made her orange bikini top blanche into white, Dorian Gray style (at least that’s what I hope is the explanation for that mismatch). She immediately sent an open letter to the media, melodramatically terming the incident an “act of cowardice” and refused to wear a bikini again on or off-screen again, which I can only assume she did because she prayed to Jesus and told him that she’ll never wear a bikini if he promises to curse every paparazzi within a 5-yard-radius with herpes.

As aam aadmi, I don’t understand Kat’s reaction at all. The paparazzi culture, which is so rampant in the West, is as active in India as Manmohan Singh’s speechwriter. We don’t get to see crazy celebs eating shaving foam, irate celebs beating up photogs, bored celebs digging their noses, or regular celebs doing anything even remotely human. What we see is manufactured, photoshopped promo stills and event pictures pre-approved by PR agencies that come with the “IT WAS A DELIGHT TO WORK WITH HIM HE IS MY NUMBER ONE ILU ILU BLOW JOB WITH WORDS.” So these pictures were actually a welcome change, and it’s not like she has a wart on her belly button or something.

Personally, I couldn’t care less. An actor’s job is to act and my opinions of them are based solely on that, so what he/ she does when the cameras aren’t rolling is their own business, unless they’re, you know, murdering kittens. But as a consumer of the media that elevates our stars to a near God-like status, I think its unfair for Katrina to get her bikini in a bunch, especially because she’ll court the same media the minute promotions for Bang Bang/ Dhoom 3 begin with the zeal of a detergent salesman in the ’80s.

So get a thicker skin, Kat, and a sense of humour while you’re at it, because as the Backstreet Boys once wisely said, “Let me tell you now, there are prices to fame…. awwrighhhhttt.”

Just don’t take your top off in a French chateau, and you should be okay.