The Nationalist Manifesto; or how to win arguments and influence anti-nationals

So you’ve picked up that 4G-enabled iPhone-lookalike-but-actually-Chinese-brand phone in a 0.005 millisecond flash sale on Flipkart. And you have data in abundance. After going through your daily quota of cyber-harassing, you are now pondering over what to do with next few hours of your life.

With these 12 easy steps, you too can make quick work of those anti-nationals

Suddenly you chance upon a television playing those greatest of entertainment shows, the news “debates”. The pretty colours attract you. Such news, much graphics. Wow.

The anchor rips through one guest after another, showing everyone who’s boss. The decibel level rises. Your eyes well up with pride. Army is number one. India is number one. Such a perfect nation. We have no problems. None at all.

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Except those anti-nationals of course.

After watching two hours of non-stop TV, you are raring to go. You need to do your bit for the nation.

Join the armed forces? Are you mad? That would actually accomplish something. Plus the food scene isn’t all that good.

So you decide to do the next best thing. Get on social media and fight the country’s battles online. To protect the country’s honour on Facebook, there is no glory greater than that!

You log onto Facebook. Your fingers are ready. Your palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. You’re nervous, but on the surface you look calm and READY TO DROP BOMBS…

Sorry, got a little carried away there.

Anyway, into the breach we go. Now if you aren’t sure how to really show your love for the nation, fear not! We’ve got you covered. Follow these easy steps and you’ll be burning up social media with your nationalism in no time.

Step 1: Find a target

Well you can’t rant about thin air now can you? Find a target. Don’t have the energy to actually find one? Take cues from your role models. The target may or may not have said/done anything, as long as you felt hurt, that is enough.

Pro tip – Target women. It makes the whole thing much easier.

Step 2: Don’t get into actual reasoning

Now the crucial thing to remember is it doesn’t matter if the other person actually has reasoning to back up what they are saying. As long as they are even slightly critical of Salman/India/Army, you are good to go.

If someone actually gives some facts, just call it half-baked “Google gyan” and refuse to acknowledge it any further.

Step 3: Make broad, general statements

Statements like “We are better than many developed nations in development” are perfectly kosher. Taking numbers out of context also helps. So harp on India’s GDP numbers but don’t take into account the massive population.

Just randomly say stuff like “we are in the top 1 in this” or “that rose by 10812 percent since last year”. As long as you can bury it under a barrage of words, it all seems legitimate.

Step 4: Avoid giving sources

Why would you want to be tied down to what someone else said? You’re your own person, right? And in any case, believing something to be true is the same as it being true.

If you still feel the urge to justify yourself, saying that “a trusted person sent you this on WhatsApp” makes your assertion ironclad.

Step 5: Use punctuation to your advantage

You know what’s better than one question mark? Eight question marks. Ditto for exclamation marks.

Step 6: Just generally use bad grammar

Good grammar might imply that you actually thought before typing. That your brain actually clicked into gear before your mouth accelerated. We can’t have that. Your passion must shine through. And no better way to do that other than with incomplete words and sentences.

Step 7: Make up a funny nickname or phrase to describe your opponent which ideally also exaggerate their privileges and beliefs

Libtards, Presstitutes and Sickulars are surefire winners. Sub-par ones like limousine liberals and “neo-liberal bourgeois LGBTQ children of Lutyens Delhi circuit having Rs 50 cr+ accent and no understanding of ground realities who think it is cool to be rebellious and overthrow the state of India” will also work.

If you can accuse someone of attending symposiums and seminars at the India Habitat Centre then basically that is a knockout punch.

Also if someone pulls a Shashi Tharoor, that’s just a slam dunk for you. Make fun of their education by calling them the “fourth child of William Shakespeare” and move on.

Step 8: Act like the bigger person

This works wonders when arguing with women. Keep calling them Dear X or Miss Y. Bonus points for pointing out that you respect women and that you have five sisters and your mother is a great lady.

Also, mega bonus points for saying humble things like “I knew the abuse would come. Keep abusing it won't change my opinion” and “I only wish the best for you”. Emphasise how you are a “common man”.

Step 9: Use logical fallacies

You haven’t heard of those? No matter, you’ve probably used them already. Think of them as cheat codes to win any argument.

An extremely useful one is false dilemma where you give them only two choices. So while arguing on the stone-pelter tied to the jeep issue, the other person either supports what Major Gogoi did or hates the army. There is no middle ground.

Then there is ad hominem, the one we used in Step 7. Don’t attack the argument, attack the person. If they are protesting Jallikattu, call them PETA members and walk away smugly.

Step 10: Emphasise that your people are in power

Make sure that the other person knows that the government in power has the “nationalist agenda” at heart and will not stop at anything to “protect our values”.

A subtle way of doing this is to drop references to Nagpur in your comments. #SamajhdaarKoIshaaraHiKaafi.

Step 11: Stand on the shoulders of rich Indians

Extremely useful when arguing about criticisms made by foreigners. Snapchat CEO called India poor? Immediately respond with how our homemade billionaires can buy and sell that “do kaudi ka app” five times a day. Y’know, because he’s just waiting for your instructions on how to spend his money.

Step 12: Flat out refuse to engage because you got offended

And finally, if cornered completely and at your wit’s end, use this get out of jail card. Simply cite your busy schedule, act offended, label the discussion as being “beneath you” and walk away.