Hindu Adhiveshan in Goa: Here are a few things that may or may not have taken place

India is in the throes of a crisis. No, not because we qualify for the NBA Finals, but because impressionable young minds are prioritising other things over Hindutva. They don’t drink gaumutra any more, they don’t do yoga, they don’t wear saffron robes, they don’t carry photos of Yogi Adityanath with them, they read Arundhati Roy books, and most damaging of all, they — splutter, gasp — eat beef! OK, we’ve just been informed that countries cannot qualify for the NBA Finals. Or for the NBA. But the point stands. There was only one thing to undo the damage: Call all patriots (even the ones who are too ambitious to actually live in India) and get them to visit Goa , party capital of the pious, the only place on the planet untouched by meat and liquor. Once there, they were to talk about how to retake India from the sickulars. We at FP Special Forces obviously couldn’t ignore an event as critical to national security, so we dispatched our best reporter to cover proceedings. Said best reporter boasted a proven track record in investigative journalism, and happens to be a lot like this guy. Except he’s also not like him.

The only problem was, our best reporter was a bit rusty, never having done any real work since… well… never having done any real work. The only other problem the gaurakshaks in charge of security wouldn’t let our intrepid correspondent in, calling him a sickular presstitute. All because he happened to be Left-handed. There was one other problem: All proceedings took place in Sanskrit. And our correspondent was admittedly weak in Sanskrit, foolishly opting to study actually useful subjects like Science and Maths and History in school. And because he fainted because of the overpowering smell of gaumutra. Which meant he couldn’t stand to attention when the National Anthem was playing. Which resulted in a sound thrashing, leaving him incapable of covering the rest of the event. But apart from these few issues, his coverage of the proceedings are flawless. Except that the things reported below may not have actually taken place. He is what could best be described an inconsistent chronicler, on account of the beating and the fainting and the Sanskrit problem, and the rustiness of journalistic skills, and a few other issues we think he concealed from us. So, here are the salient features of what happened on the first day of the four-day convention — or so we’ve been unreliably informed anyway: India has been elected best country in the world: Indian people are also the best people, while the country’s states are all the best states. Indian animals, trees, rivers, mountains and birds are also the best in their respective categories. Except those miserable animals and birds which crossed in from Pakistan. They are the worst. Cow will be president of the country: The country will no longer have a president once Pranab Mukherjee’s tenure comes to an end. And it was decided that there is no man more capable of being president than a cow. Any cow. Pakistan will become part of Kashmir: For the last 70 years, Pakistan has been trying to get Kashmir. Enough is finally enough. We have decided that Pakistan will instead be part of Kashmir. Just like that. Surely there won’t be any problems in this clearly well-thought out plan. If they still whine, we will give them Kerala instead. Homosexuality will be cured using yoga: Yoga is obviously the cure for all diseases. And since homosexuality is the worst disease there is, those afflicted will be forced to take up yoga to be healthy once again. And for once, we can’t argue with this flawless logic: Any man fancying other men needs to take one look at semi-naked Baba Ramdev to be put off men for life.