Gentle Parenting is burning up TikTok. What is this style of parenting and why is it controversial?

On TikTok, there’s a video of a small boy pouring iced coffee all over a shelf inside the house. Instead of the mom yelling at the child, she sits him down, has a conversation with him and then gives him another glass of iced coffee. It has raised eyebrows with many wondering why the mother didn’t teach her child better scold him or chastise him for his actions. But that’s the world of gentle parenting and it’s become the newest and most viral trend on TikTok. Look around the platform and #gentleparenting has gained millions of followers with influencers sharing tips on this different and atypical style of parenting. At present, it has 3.7 billion TikTok views and that number is only rising. On Instagram too, the trend has over 800,000 posts and countless likes. But what exactly constitutes gentle parenting? Is it a good way to raise children? Are there any cons to being a gentle parent? We take you inside the world of gentle parenting and explain the A to Z of this style. What is gentle parenting? It may sound new to some people, but this style of parenting has been around for some time now. But it has gained traction as of late owing to TikTok and other social media platforms. In India, gentle parenting has caught on with thousands of parents opting for this style over the traditional carrot-and-stick approach where the words “discipline” and “punishment,” even corporal, are commonplace. But what is gentle parenting all about? Gentle parenting is a nurturing style of raising children that allows parents to partner with their little ones to promote their growth and development. It moves away from seeing a child’s behaviour as either good or bad. Dan Peters, PhD, a psychologist and host of the Parent Footprint podcast, told OprahDaily.com, “Gentle parenting is a form of positive parenting that emphasises understanding a child’s behaviour through empathy and respect, giving choices versus commands, and responding in a way that considers a child’s intellectual and developmental levels.” While each family may practice this differently in their household, the general tenets behind gentle parenting are empathy, respect and understanding. Paediatrician Karen Estrella, MD, explains to ClevelandClinic, “The idea is to be more like a coach for your kid rather than a punisher.” A simple example of gentle parenting would be when a parent is ready for work and trying to drop their kid to school and the child throws a temper tantrum. The traditional way of getting the child to stop would be the parent scolding them and ordering them to hurry up. [caption id=“attachment_12569922” align=“alignnone” width=“640”] When a child is throwing a tantrum, a gentle parent would sit down and ask what’s gone wrong rather than shouting. It’s about giving choices rather than commands. Image used for representational purposes/Reuters[/caption] However, a ‘gentle parent’ would stay calm and firm ahead of time before leaving the house to set expectations. Instead of yelling, the parent might take a pause and meet the child where they’re at. And perhaps say, “I’m going to drop you off at school and then I’m going to work. We need to leave on time. I expect you to be ready with your shoes on at the door when I’m ready to leave. If you’re not ready, then we’ll both be late and I will feel angry. If I get angry, you will lose privileges.” Another example would be to say, “When you don’t get ready on time, it hurts my feelings and makes me anxious. Why are you having a hard time?” The idea behind gentle parenting is that parents shouldn’t rush and immediately condemn their children. Instead they should stop and listen to their child. In the broadest terms, in gentle parenting, the parent gives a child choices instead of orders, and eschews rewards, punishments, and threats. Instead of issuing commands, the parent strives to understand why a child is acting out in the first place. How did gentle parenting come about? Gentle parenting became a movement in part owing to British author Sarah Ockwell Smith. She has written 13 parenting books on the topic of ‘gentle’ philosophy. Ockwell-Smith isn’t a paediatrician or a neuroscientist; she is, however, a parent of four children of her own. Speaking to Insider, Ockwell Smith said that TikTok has propelled this movement forward at a fast rate, but the method would have gone mainstream regardless owing to increasing research supporting the benefits. **Also read: Raising ‘Theybies’: The new parenting trend where children are brought up with no gender** What are the pros and cons of gentle parenting? Proponents of gentle parenting swear by this form and say it helps to raise children who are confident, independent, and happy. The approach also has the longer-term aim of promoting emotional intelligence. The idea is that as children grow older they will learn to identify their own emotions more thoughtfully and act more appropriately. Some child therapists and psychologists also observe that gentle parenting or as some call it ‘respectful parenting’ or even mindful parenting may lead to improved mental and emotional health and support healthy relationships. The parent and child work together, and the child is encouraged to express his or her feelings, in a socially accepted and age-appropriate way. Parents who practice gentle parenting also argue against the misconception that the form means no discipline. Ockwell Smith says that discipline is about teaching children how to behave, communicate and regulate their emotions, not, for example, losing your temper when a child misbehaves. Speaking to Washington Post, she said: “If you want to raise kind, considerate, calm, emotionally secure children, you’re not going to achieve that through yelling, shaming, coercing and punishing them.” She adds, “The discipline [of gentle parenting] is collaborative and focuses on teaching. That doesn’t mean that children are left to run riot and out of control. We still have boundaries and limits. We still say no. We will stop unsafe and hurtful behaviour.” [caption id=“attachment_12569942” align=“alignnone” width=“640”] Gentle parenting isn’t easy though. It requires a parent to be patient and willing to spend time with their child, not something that all can afford to do. Image used for representational purposes/Pixabay[/caption] Ockwell Smith further notes that children who are raised through gentle parenting are less likely to have anxiety or low confidence. Andrew Garner, a paediatrician, shares similar feelings to Ockwell Smith. He notes that gentle parenting can build “distress tolerance,” which can help children learn to adapt and cope with strong emotions. This means that when these children experience stress in their future, they know how to deal with it in a healthy manner. But while many espouse the benefits of gentle parenting, it is not without criticism. Some argue that there is potential in this style of parents becoming too permissive and not setting appropriate boundaries and expectations for behaviour. **Also read: Why kids in Italy have the legal right not to see their grandparents** Some parents also argue that it is exhausting. An essay in the New Yorker in 2022 had echoed these sentiments. “It’s not all beautiful moments of sage parenting, where parent and child emerge from a tantrum more evolved and empathetic. In theory, it’s lovely; in practice, most of us are exhausted, confused, and looking for an approach that isn’t quite so hard on us parents,” the essay had stated. There’s also the criticism that gentle parenting is possible only by stay-at-home-parents and economically well-to-do families. Katherine Reynolds Lewis, a parent educator and author of the parenting book The Good News About Bad Behaviour, told Insider that parents in full-time work, or those living in societies with less family-friendly work policies, might find that they struggle to emulate the kind of gentle parenting they see on TikTok due to a lack of time and resources. In conclusion, while gentle parenting does sound like a good way to raise children it may not be a great fit for all. Also, one shouldn’t see it as a magical way to getting better children. As one parent noted, “If you have found something, whatever it is, and it is working for your family, that’s amazing, keep doing that.” With inputs from agencies Read all the Latest News, Trending News, Cricket News, Bollywood News, India News and Entertainment News here. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.