Donald Trump to meet Kim Jong-un: Here's the talk they're maybe likely to possibly not have... perhaps

Tuesday, 12 June, 2018, will be a day unlike any other. It will be a day when history is made, broken and rewritten, a day without parallel or precedent, and one unlikely to ever be repeated. It's the day when Rahul Gandhi meets 1,000 rickshaw drivers in Mumbai. One thousand! That's just a handful short of the total number of rickshaws on the Goregaon flyover this very minute. And just a handful more than the rickshaws part of this infamous action sequence.

But in all the hype surrounding the Congress president's meeting with the men who drive Mumbai, a little-known meeting will be underway in a different part of the world. In distant Singapore, US president Donald Trump will be meeting North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un. And it can be understandably difficult to guess which way the wind will blow. At various times in the past, the two have been bitter rivals, with Kim calling Trump a "dotard" and a "frightened dog", and the latter returning the favour with a "little rocket man".

File images of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. Reuters

File images of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. Reuters

What then will Tuesday bring? In times this uncertain, there can be only one thing certain: The ability of Special Forces to get you the latest dope. So here it is, the unedited future transcript of Trump's meeting with Kim:

Trump: Good morning, Kim. Is it still morning over in Japan? Or wherever it is that you're from?

Kim: It's always morning in Korea. We have banned the night.

Trump: That's a great idea! What a guy! You know, I met another Kim just the other day. What a wonderful woman she was. Great asset! To the country, of course.

Kim: That's fine. I have a friend named Donald too. Or is it Dennis? I can never be sure. But he has orange hair too! In fact, he is in Singapore tonight. Bunch of us guys are going out clubbing. You must come too.

Trump: Thanks for the offer. You know, that's really very kind of you. I wish others were more like you. Especially those fools Macron and Trudeau, who didn't invite me to a party they had among themselves.

Kim: No way! Are you sure?

Trump: Absolutely. I read it in the news. I get all my news from the news, you know. Everybody tells me I'm very well read. I follow all the news. Especially if it's on Fox and Friends. You get Fox and Friends back in China? Or wherever it is that you're from?

Kim: China is a good friend of mine. Especially Eleven. He's a good man. I have a feeling you and I will become great friends too. What do you do on weekends?

Trump: I usually go to my golfing resorts. Or I go say hello to Melania's folks. She's from Russia, you know. Just like Vladi... (aide whispers something in Trump's ear). What, she isn't?! Damn. Oh hey, Kim. What a win for Washington in the Stanley Cup, eh?

Kim: I thought North Korea won the Stanley Cup. But it doesn't matter. That's what our papers said anyway. Did you know North Korea also won the Nobel Prize? And the Filmfare award?

Trump: They wanted to give it to me first. But they would have insisted on a photoshoot. I said I am too busy for a photo shoot, so they gave it to someone else.

Trump begins to utter a word that begins with nuke, but things better of it and stops. A lengthy awkward silence ensues, with neither party having any idea about what to speak about.

Trump finally musters enough courage to bring it up again.

Trump: You know, there's this denuclearisation thing I meant to talk to you about ...

Kim: What about it?

Trump: You must stop it. You must stop with the nuclear weapons. My button is much bigger than yours anyway. I have great nuclear buttons. The best nuclear buttons you'll ever see. They all tell me, 'Donald, you have incredible buttons'.

Kim: You need to give me something in return. Can you promise to not tweet again? Denuclearisation in exchange for de-Twitterisation?

Trump: No way! If not for Twitter, how will my followers keep up with my thoughts and views? My followers!

Kim: Doesn't your media publish everything you want?

Trump: Sadly not. The American media is all fake. Except for Fox and Friends. I'll talk to them about getting you on it. It's a great show. Lovely show.

Kim: Thanks, Dennis. You're a true friend.

Trump: I guess we best be leaving then. Let's catch up again sometime soon, shall we?

Kim: Definitely. I can't believe there are other countries in the world. That's not what my father told me. But since there are, I can't wait to visit them all.

Trump: Try Russia next time. I know a guy there. Solid guy. Wonderful.

They shake hands and part ways. North Korea resumes building nuclear weapons. Donald Trump resumes tweeting. The world is as we know again. At least, Rahul Gandhi met 1,000 rickshaw drivers.

Disclaimer: To the best of our knowledge, the above conversation definitely took place. But our knowledge isn't, factually speaking, very accurate. Or, in any sense of the word, accurate.FP_strip1

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Updated Date: Jun 11, 2018 13:02:25 IST

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