Jokes Apart | Biden, Rahul and the fraught issue of what to call your pooch

There is something happening in the dog-eat-dog world of politics. Politicians with pet pooches are getting into trouble. Joe Biden’s Commander, a two-year-old German Shepherd, was recently expelled from the White House for biting the 11th Secret Service agent. Previously, Biden’s other dog, Major, also involved in several biting incidents, was sent away too. Official statements have a tendency to understate; this case is no different, with CNN reporting that the “real number” of bitten victims might be higher. And just the other day, a case was filed against Rahul Gandhi for naming his puppy, Noorie (‘light’), allegedly for hurting Muslim sentiments. The complainant, a member of the Owaisi-led AIMIM, argued, “I have told the court that the word Noor is related to Prophet Mohammed and is mentioned 42 times in Quran. Noorie is a synonym of Noor. Rahul Gandhi had named his puppy Noorie and thus hurt the sentiment of the minority community.” Rahul had procured the pup from a Goan family and gifted it to his mother, a journey lovingly documented on his YouTube channel. This leads us to us to the question that’s barking us in the face: What, in contemporary times, is the most appropriate and inoffensive name for a dog or, for that matter, even cats? Let’s start from the beginning. In the 1970s, liquor names enjoyed currency. Dogs went by names like Whisky, Tequila and Bailey, with the odd Gin thrown in. Teetotallers settled on calling their pooches, Tommy or Jimmy. By the 1980s, at least in India, there was a certain settled hierarchy of dog names. Most Alsatians were called Bruno. Most adopted street dogs were called Moti. When Bruno went out on an evening walk, most Motis steered clear. Naming a pet after its colour was also in vogue back then. Again, a class divide was seen at work here. All black street dogs were called Kaaloo, while posh black cats were called Smoky. Tin Tin’s companion, a white Wire Fox Terrier, was famously called Snowy. That set off a trend for sure. There were plenty of Tigers around. This name wasn’t breed-specific. My grandmother’s Labrador was called Tiger. For some reason Lion never took off. Neither did Dolphin. The 1990s and Noughties saw the Indian economy opening up to the world. Everyone wanted a slice of the MNC pie: Young job seekers, landlords looking to rent out property…and dog owners. This period saw an efflorescence of a different kind: dogs being named after multinational brands like Google, Pepsi and Milo. No dogs were called Rajdoot, Rasna or Amul. As this generation of pet owners came of age, and started working for MNCs themselves, there came a backlash. The latest trend is to name pets after items commonly found in an Indian kitchen: Chai, Biscuit, Cheeni, Coffee, Pepper. Pet names follow a curious and mysterious internal logic of what is and is not socially acceptable. Other desi edible kitchen essentials haven’t made the list yet; I don’t know of a Haldi or Heeng or Cumin. After all, no pet parent wants their ‘child’ to be embarrassed at school, like in the Johnny Cash song, ‘A Boy Named Sue.’ It should be pointed out that not everyone follows the herd. Not everyone is lazy and falls back on nonsensical perennials like Bozo and Chunki. There are those who like to strike out on their own path. Just look at the names Elon Musk has given his children: X AE A-XII and Techno Mechanicus, who, most likely, will turn out to be a noted watercolour painter of sunsets. Anyway, back to the pioneers of dog names. My neighbour is one. For several weeks I was mystified by what she was saying when she’d be shouting out for her dog. I finally asked her and she said, Dollar. I have since made friends with Dollar and am happy to report that he responds equally well to Dolly. I hadn’t heard of pets being named after currency, so kudos to my neighbour for showing us the way. Again, that internal logic I spoke of earlier— I haven’t heard of a dog named Dinar, Rupee, Pound or Euro. But Dollar, it sounds just right. I once had a flatmate in Delhi who’d named his tomcat Sobhraj, after the serial killer. I thought that was pretty novel. The cat also lived up to its name: deceptively charming to begin with and ending the interaction with a bout of vicious scratching. So much for India. What about Britain and America? According to one website, the top trending dog names for 2022 included Mossberg, Mirabel and Mommy. Traditional ones like Buddy and Rocky are still popular in America, as are Bella and Luna. It gets more interesting. Looks like celebrity-inspired dog names are a hot favourite. When David Bowie died, Bowie took off. Ditto for Freddie (Mercury). Dolly Parton is fortunate; Dolly’s managed to crack the Top 10, without having had to breathe her last. Pets are also named after characters in popular OTT series. As Kate Jaffe, trend expert at Rover, said in a news release, “Rover’s database of millions of user-submitted pet names reveals how names we lovingly choose for our pets reflect our passions and lifestyles, and often serve as a time capsule for the moment we welcomed them into our families.” HELLO! reports that in the U.K., Lilibet has proved to be the most popular in recent times. The source, of course, is the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s daughter, Princess Lilibet. Lilibet was originally Queen Elizabeth II’s nickname, used only by those closest to her. Meghan and Harry’s second child, Archie, has also crossed over into the realm of trendy pet names. Not to be left behind, Prince George, the son of the Prince and Princess of Wales, is giving hot pursuit. George is racing up the charts. In India, naming a pet after a native monarch or her grandchildren would have clogged our criminal justice system. Speaking of naming pioneers, we have to look at celebrity trends, i.e. not celebrity-inspired names but what Hollywood celebrities themselves are naming their pets. Here we have Paris Hilton’s Diamond Baby and Ether Reum; Norman Redus’ cat, Eye in the Dark; Cardi B’s Pitbull, Walk; and Demi Moore’s Chihuahua, Pilaf. Pet experts are agreed on one thing: your dog’s name should be simple enough so as not to cause confusion in his/ her head. This simple principle was not followed by the Bidens. When the Commander-in-Chief names his dog Commander, it’s bound to lead to misunderstanding. Once the chain of command is scrambled thus, even the poor Secret Service guys don’t know what’s going on. The same goes for Major. If the President is in a meeting with an army major, and, during the course of the conversation, says, “Now look, Major…”, it’s likely that Major, the pooch, will come running. When the dog realises that it was a false alarm, what other option does he have apart from biting the human major. In India, as Rahul’s instance shows, it’s more complex. Here, we have to be careful of two kinds of confusion: One, in the dog’s mind, and the other in the minds of our fellow citizens. I’ve reached the conclusion that in India, it’s safest to name the pet after one’s own first name. That way, no one will have a problem or take offence. There’s still one problem though. Suppose, I name my new puppy, Palash. Then, when my mother calls out ‘Palash!’, both puppy and I will come running. As the pet experts warn—do NOT confuse the pet at any cost. Well then, that’s the conundrum. The writer is the author of ‘The Butterfly Generation: A Personal Journey into the Passions and Follies of India’s Technicolour Youth’, and the editor of ‘House Spirit: Drinking in India’. Views expressed in the above piece are personal and solely that of the author. They do not necessarily reflect Firstpost’s views.’ Read all the  Latest News,  Trending News,  Cricket News,  Bollywood News, India News and  Entertainment News here. Follow us on  Facebook,  Twitter and  Instagram.