Harry and Meghan: How a man standing up for his partner is labelled as ‘joru ka gulaam’

I may have written earlier about once being a part of a degenerative and obnoxious family WhatsApp group where I got to witness, first-hand, the regressive way in which educated, privileged, upper middle class, working men, thought and spoke of their partners. Making lame jokes. Asking around openly to be ‘hooked up,’ and almost confessing in public that they were ‘sex starved,’ in their conjugal lives – which, though rosy on social media and in family albums, reeked of sleepless nights spent facing away from one another or with an overgrown kid sleeping in-between them, spent dead scrolling to evade insomnia, sneakily watching porn on the pretext of finishing a work presentation, or, chatting with strangers on dating apps, where profiles were anonymously created or marital statuses were deliberately discreet – I was appalled by the openness with which ‘much married’ couples (read cousins) gave away sordid details of their intimate lives – diluting the blow with laughter emojis or a idiotic disclaimers like ‘just kidding, bro/join the club, dude!’   Apart from the crying need to have sex – I noticed another deeply disturbing trend – both amongst men and women.   How a man (I can count the number on my fingertips) standing up to defend his woman or openly taking a stand against an archaic family/religious practice or expressing his displeasure at sharing sexist jokes that objectified women, as a whole, would be immediately shot down as ‘bheetu/kapurush (coward),’ and ‘joru ka gulaam (slave to his female lover)!’   It was masculine and macho to be bro-zoned – sex, alcohol, flirting/checking out other women/commenting on women’s physical attributes, boy’s nights/holidays, career promotions, having kids – was all sanctioned as normative by the moralistic male standard.   But, wait; a man listening to his partner – her opinion being right, being respected, him saying no to his friends to prioritise his primary, intimate relationship, a man wanting to stay separately after finding a mate, hell, even craving a separate bedroom for the child – a man staying in, as opposed to a night about town – risks him being segregated as being tame – submissive and dominated upon. In fact, there was once a cousin who said no to a drinking binge during the Durga Puja vacations as his girlfriend was in town for just that weekend – and immediately he was shamed and attacked – one of my older male cousins advising him, ‘petticoat na pant – first raatey decide korte hoto, Bhai…’ The meaning is simple – who wears the petticoat or the pants in the relationship must be determined on the first night itself.   Petticoat meaning the woman. Pants obviously denoting the man.   The much-talked about documentary on Netflix, Harry & Meghan has naturally invited the ire of trolls, who have been famously taking digs at the show, tearing in with comments like “two privileged whiners,” for Prince Harry and his wife, the popular American actor, Meghan Markle.  From derogatory terms like “mushy self-indulgence”, and an almost “narcissistic portrayal” of Prince Harry and Meghan’s life in London and in California - bosses at Netflix, in the meanwhile, have submitted this six-part series for consideration as a best documentary contender at the Academy Awards in March, a senior studio source has revealed to the Press. The couple is all set to learn whether they have a shot at red-carpet hype when the full list of nominations is released on 24 January after votes have been cast by the Academy’s 6,291 members. I decide to watch the controversial series and find nothing wrong in how Prince Harry chooses to spill the beans on the way his relationship with Meghan was brutally attacked in smear campaigns in the British tabloids that were primarily plants by the royal office, how he was always being compared to his tamer older brother and why he finally decided to cut ties with his famous lineage – by choosing a different life on another continent – and, a less public outing, finding his contentment in being a regular family man – a happy partner and a doting dad. How a close friend, just before the show ends, confesses that Harry, though once the proverbial bad boy with his cocaine addiction– inwardly always sought a life of steadiness and stability – a woman’s loyalty and love and his, in turn. No wonder some of the memes by Indian trolls paint him with the most common attack on a man devoted to his partner – ‘joru ka gulaam.’ You guessed right! In 2005, Tom Cruise created pop culture history jumping ecstatically on Oprah’s couch, as he swore undying love for then-partner Katie Holmes. In 2019 the term “wife guy” was recognised as a global cultural phenomenon — with heterosexual men hopelessly swooning over their partners, and bravely and unabashedly letting the whole world in on it.   A refreshing break from toxic and hyper masculine stereotypes – the “wife guy,” was a far cry from a spineless man – rather, he was self-assured and secure – someone who had no qualms walking behind their successful and glamorous and independent partners, supporting them vocally on social media and even taking public accountability for their relationship. Will Smith, for instance, standing up for his wife Jada Pinkett Smith when she was body shamed at the Oscars. Or, the Jonas Brothers who have since their nuptials now regrouped as a trio of “wife guys”, with their comeback music video featuring all three of their wives. Or 60 plus George Clooney always accompanying his human rights activist-lawyer wife who is almost two decades younger and openly claiming there is ‘no downside’ to her. Closer home – there are celebs like Ranveer Singh whose brand persona relies on smashing clothing stereotypes associated with mardaangi and being a ‘cult hero,’ Singh is every bit the swooning and swashbuckling lover, who cannot stop gushing about his equally famous partner. In a deeply misogynistic culture where male vulnerability is seldom celebrated and where being a man mainly signifies empty role playing, bringing home the bacon or even just being the dutiful father and bragging about ticking off a preconditioned checklist – even if the woman is neglected and bored and not desired as a partner – men like Singh, and, even cricketer, Virat Kohli, are in a sense, an anomaly. We still have enraged cricket fans abuse and threaten Anushka Sharma’s presence at cricket matches when team India loses. We are a country where “Pativrata” and “Sati Savitri ’’ and “Ghar ki Lakshmi,’ are venerated and almost conferred with a reverential halo. Here, ceremonial socio-religious customs like Karwa Chauth and Jamai Shoshti – demarcating the North and the East of India, plant piety and prosperity with a woman’s penance and prayer and fasting or cooking a King’s feast for the husband/son-in-law, respectively. We have to constantly prove that our only route to successful couplehood rests on either marriage, sanctified by family, religion and society, followed by sperm donation and producing the ‘ek lauta ghar ka chirag (the one and only heir apparent).’ We are conditioned to colouring strictly within the boxes – conformity being our biggest concession. The Bharatiya Sanskriti and Pracheen Bharatiya Sabhyata rest and rally on ‘baro ka ashirwad (blessings of the elders),’ comes at a claustrophobic cost – and so, we sometimes, see young Indian couples on their honeymoon, being accompanied by conservative parents who wait till their sons are married to head for their first international sojourn.   Afterall, in certain communities, like mine, sons still go to marry, whispering ‘Ma ami tomar jonney dashi ante jacchi (Ma, I am going to get a maid for you),’ as mothers of sons, are banned from attending his weddings, lest her ‘naazar (evil eye)’ cast an inauspicious gloom over his marital fate. It’s unbelievable how even in 21st century India, love marriages are seen as the ‘girl’s fault.’ Stories of the groom’s besotted mother sulking when the couple shut the bedroom door on her face are the stuff of popular regional soaps – where obedience to the elders (agyakari) is hailed as the holy grail of manhood – being the good son and father precedes being the “wife guy.” And, why not? A woman asking her partner for something is called ‘hukum karnewali (one who orders her man around).’ A woman who demands a separate existence is labelled ‘sansarey agun lagacche (lighting the family on fire).’ A woman who seeks sexual gratification in her relationship and prioritises pleasure, as she should, is often blamed for using her body as a bait to lure the man – ‘shorir diye kine rekheche (she’s bought the man with her body).’ We hate happiness. We despise and judge men who find this daily in their woman – not by emasculating their manhood, but by espousing equality – the most fundamental human right between any two partners and people – sexually, financially, cerebrally, and, emotionally. We can’t suffer a man cutting off his toxic family and perhaps intergenerational curses, to be with the woman he loves – especially, if she is chosen by him and not for him. I am not sure the documentary on Prince Harry will make the final Oscar cut. But, when Meghan confesses in a scene how when a new person enters a man’s life – everyone, including, his family, friends are threatened and how the man is forced to choose what his priorities are, instead of remaining torn – I think of my cousin brother who shortly after being attacked and ridiculed for doing what he thought right with and for his girlfriend, exited the WhatsApp group. With the middle finger. As his retort. ‘Rokto groom…biye ta hok (he’s hot blooded. Let him get married),’ one of my older male cousins, guffawed. The writer is the best-selling author, Sita’s Curse, Status Single, Leading columnist on gender & sexuality, Community Founder – Status Single, India’s first and only community for 75 million single Indian women. Views expressed are personal.  Read all the  Latest News,  Trending News,  Cricket News,  Bollywood News, India News and  Entertainment News here. Follow us on  Facebook,  Twitter and  Instagram.