Shivraj Singh Chouhan's cow ministry: Cowdhaar, cowncils and accowntants can create an udderly wonderful environment

Editor’s note: The following article is a work of satire. [caption id=“attachment_5017481” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  File image of Shivraj Singh Chouhan. AFP[/caption]

Madhya Pradesh chief minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan on Sunday announced the setting up of a ministry for cows as an uplifting step from the present Gaupalan Evam Pashudhan Samvardhan Board (MPGEPSB) which caters to bovine needs and makes for a hap hap happy and udder-ly wonderful environment.

Seeing as how a ministry is a bureaucratic law making and implementing authority, it is difficult to see how cows are going to be better served. No civil servant or political luminary posted in this ministry will milk cows, clean cows, pick up after them or cater to their fodder. They will ostensibly sit in offices and pass files with multiple forms, if Indian democratic red tape is anything to go by. Problem is that cows are colour blind: so they won’t know it’s red.

Certainly if one is cow-ard enough to cow-er in front of this massive mandate, and like avoiding saying boo to the goose, one will then be non-critical in never saying moo to the cows when they are out or till they come home. But it be-hooves the question: What exactly will this ministry do to enhance the lifestyle of the cows and cowherds? Will bulls be allowed to visit under the watchful eye of the undersecretary on duty? Will they segregate brown cows, cash cows, holy cows and sacred cows?

Here are some more suggestions:

They will have a cow-ncil that will supervise the disbursement of the dairy products in the state and ensure that the milk is not mixed with water so that the cow doesn’t get a bad rap and also upgrade the sale of cow patties which will then be made into a cottage industry and impact employment positively. The ac-cow-ntants will keep track of the expenditure.

The cow minister will also deal with complaints of cattle rustling and other such sundry thefts and create a format with necessary forms to be filed and signed by a gazetted officer or a district magistrate. Every cow will be issued an ID like the Aadhaar card (called Cowdhaar) which makes absolute sense. You cannot then steal my cattle, I will not cow-ntenance that.

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The ministry will work in close proximity with the police to enable cowherds to go about their business without the risk of being lynched before lunch and biting the dust as they eat gao dhuli because someone yelled: Hey they are taking these cows to the slaughterhouse. Applications for the right to beat up suspects will also have to go through the ministry as acts of vigilantism increase.

By the same token, those luckless individuals assigned the task of clearing carcasses and skinning dead cattle or simply carting them away will start the day by saying goodbye to their loved ones as if they were going to battle and never coming back, will now have to get an no-objection certificate from the ministry.

How the ministry will do a better job, choked as it will be by babudom in sheltering cows or running sanctuaries in between tea breaks and calls from burra sahibs, is not yet clear. Also in that category is the concern of whether this is a cool posting or a punishment for civil servants.

How would they like to be the additional secretary to the cow ministry? Then you can join the dappled Betsy as she leaps over the moo-n and improve your moo-d or simply s-cow-l because have been discow-nted.