#PachauriHatgaya: Letter Kachori never wrote on being asked to go on indefinite leave

Teri Colleagues and My Friends,

I am quite used to writing smutty novels with graphic details of an old pervert's sexual fantasies and salacious text messages to colleagues young enough to be my daughter. But, drafting a leave application for everybody's eyes makes me feel like scratching my predator's whiskers.

But, since resigning, proceeding on indefinite leave, returning and then going back on indefinite leave consume most of my energy, resources and intellect (MERI, for brevity), I might as well get used to the idea of writing something more than just sexting.

Well, it is that time of the year again when I need to dig up a deep hole somewhere to hide from the outrage over my ability to dig up girls.It's a shame, actually. Last year, after resigning as head of International Panel of Climax Control (not that Panel on Climate headed by a man of similar tastes and temperament), I had hibernated for long to escape the world that had exploded because of a senior citizen's ability to do unmentionable things to his junior colleagues.

 #PachauriHatgaya: Letter Kachori never wrote on being asked to go on indefinite leave

RK Pachauri. Reuters

But, I returned, assuming the world would have started lacerating itself with penance — note to myself: must call up Tarun Tejpal to get the next farewell missive right — for hounding and grounding a man so eager to discharge his duties.

I thought I was so clever. With the media focus having shifted from my dark deeds, my victims giving up their fight and quitting the organisation and the board of directors solidly behind me, I presumed that I will return to a hero's welcome. Like Bill Clinton returning as a Starr to the Oval Office after being needlessly hounded for enjoying similar perks of power.

Silly me! Just when I had taken time off my pervert pursuits and said yes to the offer of taking up a position of power, something that would have allowed a man like me to be on top again, they started talking about my past. And now I have to go on leave for an indefinite period.

And what is this fuss about accepting degrees from me? Schools and colleges can only teach you so much. But only a self-taught man like me can articulate the importance of perversion, shamelessness, hypocrisy, immorality, moral squalor, treachery, cheating, predatory instincts — in short all the qualities that turn us into beasts — in the corporate jungle.

I am tempted to say to them what all Punjabis love to...Teri ...But then some might wrongly interpret that I am bequeathing the organisation to some of their relatives.

Instead, I am making a quick Return to Almora, which, incidentally is the name of the unreadable porn I wrote. Guess what! I was promised the Bad Sex Fiction prize for it. And just when I was drafting my acceptance speech, they gave me something more Noble.

And don't go anywhere. Like the Predator — or was it Terminator? — I shall be back once the current outrage dies down and people forget that what I am hiding in my beard isn't just a twig but a whole nest.

Nothing can destroy people like me. As long as the world has few good men and — wink, wink — lots of beautiful women, I will go on and on.

I remain, as always,

The Noble Man

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Updated Date: Feb 13, 2016 00:07:11 IST