JNU row: Thanks to Gyandev Ahuja, now that condoms are anti-national, spare the potato chip please

So Gyandev Ahuja, BJP MLA from Ramgarh in Rajasthan’s Alwar district, got up one morning last week full of pious intent and went to JNU to do a ground count. Hey ho, hey ho, off to work we go. He discovered, we assume by bribing all the sweepers and cleaners and maintenance staff that things were not all sunny in this grove of academe... or that they were too sunny. Perhaps he co-opted Arvind’s help in getting the municipality manpower to commandeer the dustbins in JNU as he launched 'Operation Condom Storm'.

 JNU row: Thanks to Gyandev Ahuja, now that condoms are anti-national, spare the potato chip please

Rajasthan MLA Gyandev Ahuja. ibnlive.com

His discoveries are awe inspiring. A whole nation is in debt to this man. Because of him we all know the daily consumption of ‘baaaad’ stuff in JNU.

Cigarette butts: 10,000 (where there is smoke there is fire)
Beedis: 4,000 (same as above only more intense)
2,000 packets of chips (terrible for weight, blood pressure and water retention)
Non-vegetarian food with bonus of bones (the monsters, these students having burgers and fuelling their anti-nationalism). (Ajuja found the cache of 2000 bones, told you to hide them).
Condoms (used): 3,000(assumed usage, too serious to make flippant comment).
Condoms (unused): not specified (up for resale, three for one, cut prices).

Herein lies the dilemma. Did he count the condoms by touching them... eeeuw... like the king in his counting house, one, two,three, except these are not pennies. Which ones are the teaching faculty and which ones the students... don’t snigger. It is important to make the distinction.

By the same token condoms are usually not flung into the bins but flushed down the toilet. Have the drains been dredged? This is a major operation like bringing up the Titanic. Pile them up here and here and here, break them into hundreds, chalo, chalo, jaldi karo.

One could do a whole thesis on this issue. What brands are popular, where is this collection now, perhaps with this shattering evidence we could take the witch hunt to a whole new level and start running DNA tests. Then you won’t have to wait eight years to get your doctorate. You could write it up on the spot.

What is wrong with us that such drivel is given benediction and this MLA gets his publicity? Is no one going to ask him how he came up with these round figure calculations and why has he been allowed to invade the privacy of students over the age of 18 and level such charges.

If we can treat these students as adults for legal cases then surely their private lives are their private lives. Especially when these accusations are blatantly laughable. As if Sodom and Gomorrah had shifted bag and baggage into the university and the only class attended is The Orgy period.

Show us this mountain of condoms, Sir.

The sad part is that such nonsense gets support and there will be takers for the argument that in JNU sex and salsa are the norms and we must now line up every one of them and police them morally.

Condoms, potato chips and mutton curry are not anti-national items. Having sex is not anti-national. Eating wafers last known was within the bounds of civil conduct. And if you cannot read the warning on the smokes pack, knock yourself out. Even if Ahuja, bless his industry, found one condom on the premises it is none of his bloody business.

None of this has anything to do with the sloganeering issue of 9 February. Not a jot. We are doing the nation a disservice when we pile on garbage theories and propel them.

Stop already, please, with every clown that comes onto the stage you begin to feel sorry for these kids.

Now that the student protest has become a legal issue, it is time for everyone to back off. Go home, go to class, just go and let things take their own course with the courts reviewing the evidence or lack of it and ringing the curtain down on this terrible fortnight.

Use a condom, eat a chip, go watch the cricket.

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Updated Date: Feb 24, 2016 15:38:21 IST