Intercepted under Anti-National Activities Act, 2031: The diary entry of a seditious Indian

27 November, 2047

Dear Diary,

Today was a very interesting day.

As you know I was the Clapper in our college play. As I replayed the role of the hero, I wish I didn’t have to step offstage. I still feel high. Just playing the role of that important time in our history inspires me. And that got me thinking, can you imagine what the heroes from those historic times must’ve thought?

How many people must’ve laughed at this one man who wanted someone to stand for the National Anthem. How was that even okay? He looked those traitors in the eyes and shamed them. I wish I could’ve met him. Imagine what our cricket matches, leadership rallies, the monthly national parades or even plays would’ve been like without our glorious National Anthem.

As I sang tonight, I felt one with the nation. One with all of Hinduism and each and every patriot. I felt the way the Clapper must’ve felt. What a great responsibility on those shoulders!

And you know, because I played him with such passion, my acharya Shuklaji said I might even be considered to take on the role of OP Sharma. I don’t want to believe it. I can see his bust when I look out of my window, you know. I am shivering with excitement at the thought of playing him.

 Intercepted under Anti-National Activities Act, 2031: The diary entry of a seditious Indian

Representational image. Getty Images

Remember how Imran Kumar gives that speech in Mata: My Motherland right before they storm the court room? I hope they use those lines. It's a good thing he cut ties with that uncle of his and participated in the Lokpriya Mohan Bhagwat Naam Safai Abhiyaan. I wonder who they’ll cast as Kanhaiya though.

I don’t know if there’s any low-birth in the school that might fit the part. Whoever plays that villain won’t like it, but someone will have to do the duty. I pray for those who’ll have to. The auditions won’t be till next week. This year, the tithi of the Universal University Flag Day isn’t till Monday, so we have a couple of days. I’m just a little worried that it shouldn’t clash with Mata-Pitr Diwas, because otherwise no one will take it seriously.

What is most annoying is that Rishitu said today that they might allow people to comment on how to make MP Day more fun. What’s next? Will they ask people what they’d like to eat in the canteen or what we should wear to college? Imagine that.

Okay, now the interesting part, today Latika actually smiled at me. It made me feel warm inside. I felt like touching her. But I’m afraid, I’ll be asked to marry her. I want to, Don’t get me wrong, but like Leaderji has said, I first need to do my duty to my nation. That fool Rishitu was saying I should try and brush against her a few times to send her the message that I like her but I don’t want people to think we indulge in eating Chinese food.

Oh, they’re playing that song on the radio again. Lata Mangeshkar has such a lovely voice. I wish she’d sung many more songs about the vatan and tyaag. I wish I too get the chance to be called shaheed.

Anyway, Latika seems to be studying for home science. Good. I hope she scores good marks to impress my parents. Sant Adityanathji bless us with at least 10 kids. Just thinking about it makes me go warm inside. I must banish this feeling. This is why they’re hunting down all those wicked people with those little hard drives loaded with those anti-national films. They don’t even fit on any phone. What is the point of that, I wonder.

Leaderji has said that we should use the Digital Bharat app now even for sending in movie ideas. I have an idea, but I wonder if they’ll give me a role. I would tell you the idea, but if acharyaji logs in to check my phone while I’m typing it, am sure he’ll steal it. Actually, that’s not possible. He’s fast asleep.

So, here goes: One day, a supreme leader is made shaheed by some anti-national people. They do this by capturing him and making him drink beer. They then eat the beef steaks from his legs while making jokes of Bharat Mata and her people. While they’re talking, we learn that they don’t pray in temples. They don’t pray at all. Okay? And then we learn that they believe in equality for all types of people — even women!

So, then our hero, who has been listening to them from a phone, jumps in to the room. He single-handedly drags them into the street, where he beats them. They ask for forgiveness. He forgives them and hands them over to the public, who decide they should be hanged for treason.

The hero goes home, where he plays with his children and tells them the story of what happened while his wife presses his feet and smiles at him. They all pray together at the end.

The end.

I need to go pray now since I am awake, otherwise the Gowalkar manual will report me to acharyaji.

But first, I should delete this not-...

The author is a former sports journalist and a current brand communications consultant

Updated Date: Jul 25, 2016 13:33:36 IST