How to understand the chronology® and be a Patriotic Protester™

As the protests against and for CAA and CAB and CAC and NRC enter their third week, and accusations and arguments swirl around about who is Indian, and who should visit the Pakistan Tourism website, it becomes more important than ever to remember that protesting is good — but not at the cost of being a Patriot®.  In this atmosphere of conflict and consternation it’s important to remember that no matter how confusing things may seem, a stranger on the internet always has the answers you need. And who better than a former protester and Patriot® who has now seen the bank account truth, to explain the ins and out of Patriotism®? With that in mind, here’s an easy-to-use, Do-It-Yourself FAQ on how to be a Patriotic Protester™. Q. How can you oppose a protest by common everyday Indians? Isn’t it their right to protest? A. No, it is their wrong to protest. In fact, everyone who is protesting is doing so based on incomplete information. Just see the violence happening. Protesters should understand not to trust information just because it comes from famous social media influencers. These people may be experts in their field, but they don’t know anything about other topics. Instead, they should trust credible sources like videos and articles, and listen to random people who are not experts in anything, whom you’ve never seen before and will never see again. Since these videos are being placed on social media to influence others, they are clearly different from social media influencers and therefore you can believe whatever they say. Also they have government logo and as everyone knows, the government is chosen by India ke logo so obviously it is the best democratic source. Today, every major newspaper and media house in the world is talking about India. For the first time since Independence, every single day there is a new op-ed in US and Europe about the state of Indian democracy. We should be proud of our government for bringing us this great achievement instead of protesting it. [caption id=“attachment_7841811” align=“alignnone” width=“825”]  You too can become a Patriotic Protester™. Getty Images[/caption] Q. How can you say that all protests are just people listening to influencers? A. Of course that is not the case. Some of them are listening to Opposition parties like Congress. People should beware of dangerous elements like Rahul Gandhi. The man has no consistency. On Monday, he was totally rejected by India. By Tuesday, he was apparently so charismatic that while sitting in South Korea he got lakhs of people all across India to come on the streets and protest against the government. Some of the protests have even turned violent. It’s very regrettable that Indians are falling and getting incited by the Opposition instead of understanding their civic duty and getting incited by the government. Q. So this is all a huge Opposition conspiracy and Indians are not against CAA and NRC? A. Correct. In fact, we have no proof that any of the protesters are actually against them. They say they are, but our Hon’ble Prime Minister also said, “Sabke saath, sabka vikas”. Meanwhile, think about what the NRC legislation actually says. That if you are a minority in Afghanistan, Pakistan or Bangladesh you can get Indian citizenship. This is nothing new, we have always allowed people to come here. Take Indra. He was from Devlok, and yet he came hundreds of times without a visa. Now tell me, if you were from one of these countries currently seeing how India treats its minorities, wouldn’t you also be super excited to come here and enjoy our treatment? As newly minted Indian Patriots™, no doubt they would be thrilled to settle there. Maybe they will all want to go to Gorakhpur. After all, even oxygen cylinders in hospitals there come from Patriotic® sources. Q. So you’re not actually against protesting? A. Absolutely not. I am a huge supporter of democratic protests. I just don’t think protests should be allowed when I disagree with them. I am actually thinking about the health and well-being of the protesters. It’s all very well to support protests from your smartphone in your living room, but that’s not the same as actually putting your life on the line and opposing protests from your smartphone in your living room. That’s where bravery lies. As well as lies about bravery. But violence is always unacceptable. Q. You mentioned violence, but weren’t the vast majority of protests all across India peaceful? A. Even if one or two people out of lakhs are inciting violence it is fair to say all protesters are violent criminals. This immediately delegitimises the protests. The only time a protest can be considered acceptable is when it is 100 percent peaceful. If these protesters were actually Patriots™, they too would have followed our example like when we non-violently dismantled Babri Masjid, or when the Karni Sena peacefully burnt buses. It merely depends on whether or not you want to make the effort to protest properly. Where there is a will, there is a beneficiary who will inherit the property — unless the Uttar Pradesh government has already seized it. There is no place for stone throwing in all this, unless the stones belong to Delhi Police. Q. So you’re not anti-protest, you support the protesters? A. Exactly. I care very deeply about the protesters. That’s why I am urging them to think carefully before protesting. Many of them are young people with their whole lives ahead of them. They should not waste it by trying to shape the sort of country they will spend those lives in. Instead they should accept what a bunch of 60+ year olds have decided the country will be like after they die. As we have seen recently, one’s whole future can be impacted. It’s especially important to remember this if you are not an Indian. German and Norwegian students have been asked to leave India. This is a great blow by the government against European imperialism and shows how the ruling dispensation evolves their worldview with the times, as till yesterday, they were supporters of it. Meanwhile, others with opinions on politics — like Canadian actors — are invited to state functions, presumably because of their expertise on nutritional tactics during Rahu Kalam. Also it is important to remember that like cigarette smoking, protesting causes inconvenience to others and like smoking, it is injurious to health, especially if the police department sees you. Q. Why am I still asking you scripted leading questions? A. There is nothing wrong with asking or answering scripted questions — go and watch any interview with the Prime Minister. Also you have been paid to read out these questions. But you are of course free to stop, just like protesters are free to stop protesting. Remember, nobody is saying not to protest. They are just saying to be considerate and not to protest where others can see. As long as you don’t speak, act or vote against the government, all protest is welcomed. That is how you become a Patriotic Protester™.