Apple launches iPhone 7: Here are some features we'd like to see... maybe

Have you been saving your hard-earned money to go on that dream trip, or just enough to get you through a rainy day? Maybe you wanted to attend a music festival abroad or just the next Wimbledon? Well, it’s about time you crushed those dreams and emptied your savings accounts because the Apple marketing team is here again to force feed you the notion that the iPhone your parents bought you last month will no longer cut it. A new iPhone is about to hit the markets hard and your pocket harder, but who cares? The new phone will have a dual-camera. That’s 1 + 1 cameras just to take the sharpest of drunk selfies so you never forget how you looked in the prime moments of your life. [caption id=“attachment_2993864” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Bolt and a flash. Reuters[/caption] But it’s not just the extra camera, Apple is planning to go all classy on your pocket. The new iPhone will be available in piano black. Just imagine Darth Vader without those buttons on the chest and around 250 GBs to store your party anthems. And just in case you were left with some pennies, Apple also plans to revolutionise your listening experience with their new jack-less earphones. But of course, you don’t have to buy them if you’re not into listening to anything on your phone. But we are in no way trying to discourage you from buying into this marketing trope by one of the biggest companies which probably gets those piano blacks made in some Chinese factory with poor working conditions. All we hope for is that Apple includes the following features in their iPhones so we could justify spending all that money to our economically-conscious peers. The hoverphone It would be great if the new iPhone could just hover around a bit, after all, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to take selfies at the edge of a cliff or in a group of 100. And we would rather not use our hands to hold a selfie stick, it cuts into our sophistication vibe. via GIPHY The sucker punch Nothing fancy here, just a button to destroy those “value for money” phones making us look bad. Who wants them anyway? Just a click to wipe out those Androids and the smiles of their owners. via GIPHY The flubber Just an extra coating of some ultra hi-tech chemical (don’t worry, those Apple scientists will understand) to bounce any physical dangers away from the phone. Those iPhones of the past have been notoriously flimsy in intoxicated hands. via GIPHY The hashtag machine A handy feature to automatically hashtag all our pictures on Instagram and Twitter. It will save hours of users’ time spent describing food, colours, flavours, and smells in single words. All the good folks at Apple need to do is to design a system, and perhaps a complicated algorithm, to analyse our images and do the needful. via GIPHY The Apple dater A system to identify Apple users in crowded bars and clubs, because we iPhone users understand each other better. Also, a filter to mark anyone with an iPhone older than three months just to avoid any unpleasantries or mixing of impure blood. via GIPHY A flamethrower Because the real world is a dangerous place, and also for the looks. via GIPHY For all that Apple is actually offering, click here . We don’t take any responsibility for your disappointment.