Joining the Dots is a weekly column by author and journalist Samrat in which he connects events to ideas, often through analysis, but occasionally through satire
Extraordinary stories abound in this extraordinary country we live in, and our country’s news television media excels among all the news television media of all the world — only anti-nationals, Resident Non-Indians, Lutyens Liberals and other such undesirables would disagree — in bringing the true facts about this extraordinary country to their honest, God-fearing, patriotic, and doubtless educated, smart, knowledgeable, loving, kind and generally all-round excellent, viewers daily. In the past few days, this excellent media has brought to us at least two extraordinary stories that would otherwise have remained hidden from us because of the bias of the remaining presstitutes in the (poorly) Paid Media, namely: that aliens had abducted the AN-32 aircraft of the Indian Air Force that went missing in Arunachal Pradesh; and that North India is terribly hot because of our enemies, the evil Pakistanis, who are causing hot weather here. They are clearly succeeding in this nefarious design because the temperature reached a hellish 48 degrees in the holy city of Delhi, where so many sages live.
Now these are of course somewhat difficult facts to believe, but questioning stories told on television by our brave nationalistic anchors is something only anti-nationals do, and therefore the stories must be true. Their bona fides are beyond reasonable doubt; they demonstrate their patriotism daily on TV, and that is proof of their reporting skills, professional competence, and the fact that they are generally all-round excellent people. Moreover, they have brought several such extraordinary facts to us in past years. There is a proven track record of telling it like it is, and to hell with the unbelievers and the haters.
In 2008, they warned us — and thank heavens for that — that the universe was going to end in three days. I saw this Breaking News ticker on India TV with my own eyes and immediately spent all my life’s savings on pure veg meals without onion and garlic, a trip to Bangkok, and a trip to Vaishno Devi where, to ensure that life after the apocalypse would be fine, I paid a hefty donation, because what is money, after all? After that, the universe duly ended as the news had promised, and since then we are living in this other universe which, owing to the difficult spiritual journey undertaken via helicopter, and the donation and blessings, is quite similar to the previous one except that good people are doing beautifully well around the world, from America to India, and the anti-national Fake News Media is getting its comeuppance everywhere.
Facts are a dime a dozen these days. Everyone with a WhatsApp account has their own facts. I don’t believe half the things that get forwarded on groups, unless they are groups of like-minded people whose views agree with mine. Sometimes we have to accept some unusual facts, but that’s okay. It’s better than accepting annoying facts from Them that make Us feel angry. Besides, who has the time to fact-check? I mean, there are so many forwards, and tweets, and so many videos daily. I don’t have time or money for imported fantasy like those Resident Non-Indians who watch rubbish such as Game of Thrones. Why watch imported when we have great fantasy stories, such as the history of India put together by assorted anti-nationals? Or so many wonderful historicals that go back to ancient Bharat, from the Ramayana and Mahabharata down? And then, there’s always the true facts in the daily news. I will of course never watch imported shows on Netflix, but that Game of Thrones…does it even have a single alien abduction?
I know aliens abducting our planes — its wreckage has been found so the aliens must have thrown it there — sounds hard to believe, but just because it’s hard to believe doesn’t mean it’s not true. Once upon a time, people didn’t believe the world is round. People believe different things in different places at different times anyway. A Khan Market gangster — this was long ago, before he unfriended me on Facebook — once told me that everything is a narrative, and I agree. Everything is a narrative, even science is a narrative; astrology is far greater than astronomy, and its true greatness will eventually be uncovered along with proof that we had invented internet before the Mahabharata era. Now of course we still have this imported internet, therefore connectivity speeds are slower. We also have cheap flights that unlike the advanced Pushpak Viman use polluting fossil fuels, but still, people and ideas are getting around faster and some of these narratives are getting a bit mixed up. Some nice people in America feel that our ancestors can’t have been monkeys, and some nice people here also feel the same way. Some nice people in America don’t believe in global warming and some nice people here think the heat is due to some nefarious Pakistani design. Some nice people there want a big wall, and some nice people here, being more advanced, want to throw out all migrants who’ve ever come to India, and then emigrate to Canada or the US themselves.
We are all connected, and equal, and we all have feelings. My feelings are as good as yours. I am educated; I can read and write, even if I never actually read anything beyond WhatsApp forwards. I have freedom of expression. I can say whatever I feel like. If I feel good believing in something, and shouting it out, who the hell are you to question my beliefs? You have yours, and they are all wrong, you bloody Resident Non-Indian Khan Market gang Lutyens Liberal.
Samrat is an author, journalist and former newspaper editor. He tweets as @mrsamratx
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Updated Date: Jun 15, 2019 12:52:15 IST