Why do office parties make introverts uncomfortable?

The year the radio station company where he worked held its holiday party at a dive bar, Ryan Arnold walked in and saw coworkers passing around a tall glass boot filled with beer. He heard the office manager belting out ‘80s power ballads between whiskey shots. Arnold’s first thought was, “When can I leave?”

More than 20 years later, he still remembers that awkward social event he felt obligated to attend. Arnold, 46, who describes himself as socially anxious, now thinks twice before accepting invitations to group gatherings.

“I don’t want to go into a place where I experience things I can’t unsee,” he said. “Not to be dramatic, but I just don’t want that image.”

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For many introverts, shy individuals, and people with social anxiety, mingling at parties is often draining or arouses uncomfortable emotions. The internal debate about whether or not to attend large get-togethers can get especially intense during the holiday season, a time when many workplaces celebrate with cocktail hours, gift exchanges, and other forms of organised fun.

“Some people are just not party people,” City University of New York social work professor Laura MacLeod said. “With a workplace holiday party, there’s pressure to be very happy and excited. It’s the end of the year, it’s the holidays, we’re all feeling grand. And maybe people are not really feeling that grand.”

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Attending work parties also leaves some people feeling uncertain about professional boundaries, which can get murky at events where people drink alcohol, said MacLeod, who created a consulting company called From the Inside Out Project that trains managers on team relationships and conflict resolution.

Therapists and workers who consider themselves shy or introverted shared tips for surviving and potentially enjoying the winter festivities, whether with coworkers, family, or friends.

Dress for comfort

Take control of everything you can to put yourself at ease, starting with what you wear, MacLeod said. Find out the dress code and choose something comfortable within the parameters of acceptable attire. “If it’s not your thing to wear five- or six-inch heels, just because it’s a holiday party, don’t do it,” she said. “If you want flat shoes, wear flat shoes.”

Arrive early, head for the middle

Introverts and shy people may find smaller crowds more manageable, and the turnout at parties tends to be smallest at arrival time. While nerves might make it tempting to hug the sidelines, positioning yourself there also may increase self-consciousness. Experts suggest heading to the center of the room, where participating in conversations is easier because there are more of them.

If you’re feeling anxious or overwhelmed, stay a short time. It’s fine to say, “I just wanted to come and be sure to wish everybody happy holidays. … I’ve got some family things I have to handle tonight, so this is a quick stop for me,” MacLeod said. “Get yourself in and out.”

Plan talking points

Thinking in advance of topics you enjoy discussing can help relieve anxiety. Another good way to engage is by asking open-ended questions, such as whether a colleague has interesting holiday plans, recommended Andrea Taylor, a psychologist at UTHealth Houston. You can also ask people what they like to do outside of work.

Keeping a conversation going doesn’t have to require heavy lifting.

“Remember that your answers don’t have to be perfect,” she said. Suitable responses could include something like, “‘I haven’t done that, but that sounds interesting,’ or ‘Whoa, you’re great for doing that, but I’m not the bungee jumping type,’” Taylor added.

Steer clear of topics that may be divisive and keep things light, she said.

For encounters with a high-level boss, you can keep it short and simple, saying, “This is a great party. Thank you so much for doing all this. It’s been a great year, and I hope you and your family have a lovely holiday,” and then move on, MacLeod suggested.

Don’t stress about awkward silence

People who are shy or have social anxiety sometimes fear having nothing to say. But if a topic runs its course, that’s OK, Taylor said. Silences feel uncomfortable. But that doesn’t mean that it is your specific responsibility to fill the silence,” she said.

If that happens while Taylor is chatting with a colleague, she sometimes acknowledges the sudden pause, saying, “This is awkward because we’re so used to talking about work things, aren’t we.”

If someone you’re talking to seems distracted, don’t assume they’re bored with you, Taylor said.

“It could be as simple as they’ve had a long day or they’re dehydrated and their head hurts, or they’re wishing they had changed their shoes before they came, or they happen to be missing their kid’s recital,” she said. “I caution people against mind reading because we’re really good at misinterpreting what people are thinking, and often we do it in a negative direction.”

Seek allies or bring support

Carla Pruitt, a business development associate at engineering company ENFRA, recalls a holiday gift exchange someone organised at a place she once worked. Participants were asked to bring socks, and no one wanted the aloe-infused pair Pruitt contributed. She took them back.

“I was so embarrassed and mortified,” she said.

Her social anxiety at in-person events has increased during the five years she’s worked remotely from her home in Salt Lake City, she said. Pruitt, 44, said she looks for other women with children or fellow pet lovers when she does go to company events.

“I can talk about my dog all day,” she said.

Pruitt feels more at ease attending work parties when she can hire a babysitter and her husband accompanies her. She also likes it when other attendees invite her into conversations and wishes more outgoing people would think to do that when they see someone who appears reserved.

“Look for the people in the room that might be standing off to the side and approach them,” Pruitt said. “It means so much to them.”

To go or not to go?

People who are anxious in social settings don’t have to avoid work parties and may benefit by sometimes showing up, Taylor said. Focusing more on the activity and less on your feelings is one coping strategy, she said.

“It’s possible to feel anxious and still do things,” Taylor said. “And actually, once we do that, we tend to walk away from that with a feeling of accomplishment and self-efficacy, and sometimes just feeling proud. I didn’t let the anxiety stop me.”

After receiving an invitation, ask yourself whether it’s important to attend the event or not. If your goal is to talk with one or two specific people, you can go with that intention and give yourself a time limit, MacLeod said.

Arnold knows that large work-related gatherings drain his social battery. But as the owner and president of public relations firm DeSoto & State Communications, he receives holiday event invitations from networking groups. Each one is reviewed for a reason why he should go. He doesn’t drink alcohol, so is inclined to pass if an event includes an open bar.

“I would, nine times out of 10, much rather hang with my books and my wife,” he said.