Singapore man sues woman for ‘friend-zoning’ him: What does the term mean?

It’s a term most of us remember from the US sitcom F.R.I.E.N.D.S when Joey tells Ross he is in the ‘friend zone’. The problematic phrase, which is usually used by heterosexual men when a woman does not return their romantic feelings, has made it into the everyday vocabulary since then. Now, a man in Singapore has reportedly sued a woman for S$3 million (over Rs 18 crore) for rejecting his advances, citing “emotional trauma”. What does the term mean and why is it offensive? What is the case filed in Singapore? Let’s take a closer look. The ‘friend zone’ and its origins The term added to Oxford Dictionaries Online in 2013 is defined as “a situation in which a platonic relationship exists between two people, one of whom has an undeclared romantic or sexual interest in the other”, reported HuffPost. As Slate magazine says, ‘friend zone’ holds the object of the romantic feelings responsible, unlike unrequited love or crush which puts the onus on the person who harbours those feelings. Though the origin of this term is not clear, Joey Tribbiani is credited for making it mainstream. In the ‘The One With The Blackout’ episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S that aired in 1994, Joey tells Ross: “It’s never gonna happen. You and Rachel. You waited too long to make your move and now you’re in The Friend Zone. Ross, you’re the mayor of the zone. I’m telling you, she has no idea what you’re thinking. “If you don’t ask her out soon, you’re gonna end up stuck in the zone forever,” he adds.

The term has become so rooted in popular culture that MTV aired a show on the friend zone from 2011-2014. Why the term is offensive Many, mostly men, do not bat an eye when announcing to their friends that they have been ‘friend-zoned’. The term takes away the agency of women to take decisions about the romantic aspect of their lives and blames them for not reciprocating the other person’s feelings. Meanwhile, an expert pointed out how the phrase is toxic to men. Michael Kimmel, the director of the Center for the Study of Men and Masculinities, told Mic in 2015 that “the friend zone is an extension of constrained gender norms and the need to constantly perform masculinity in front of other men”. [caption id=“attachment_12090802” align=“alignnone” width=“640”] The term ‘friend zone’ is toxic even to men. Pixabay (Representational Image)[/caption] Calling the term “face-saving”, he explained to Mic, “If you grow up learning that sex is adversarial — he chases, she is pursued; he gets, she gives — then how do you deal with what amounts to relegation to the losers’ bracket?” Ryan Campinho Valadas, an integrative therapist at Self Space who identifies as queer, told Cosmopolitan UK in 2021 that the friend zone comes from heterosexual norms that revolve around marriage and reproduction. “Esther Perel, a famous psychotherapist and relationship expert, has written extensively about the changing value of marriage and romantic relationships in society,” he was quoted as saying by Cosmopolitan UK. “To have a family and procreate, that is what societies have been built upon for centuries. We still very much live under the influence and the impact of those norms.” What is the case filed by the Singapore man? According to a report by the Singapore newspaper The Straits Times, a man identified as K Kawshigan, filed two lawsuits against Nora Tan after she stopped all communication with him. Kawshigan, a director at drone company D1 Racing, sued Tan for S$3 million case in the High Court alleging “damage to his stellar reputation” and “trauma, depression and impacts to his life” over the past months. In the second lawsuit, which was struck out by the magistrate’s court earlier in January, Kawshigan demanded S$22,000 (Rs 14 lakh approximately) in damages for allegedly violating an agreement to improve their relationship, reported Channel News Asia (CNA). The court said the lawsuit was “manifestly groundless and without foundation” and a “calculated attempt to compel engagement” from Tan. As per CNA, Kawshigan and Tan met in 2016 at a club and eventually became friends. In 2020, they started developing issues as they were not on the same page about their friendship – with Tan considering Kawshigan only a friend and him seeing her as his “closest friend”. Tan wanted to reduce their interactions and told him about her “discomfort”, but Kawshigan asked her to comply with his demands to deepen their relationship or suffer “irrevocable” damage to her personal and professional life, reported The Strait Times. Kawshigan’s counsellor then pressed Tan to attend sessions which she agreed thinking it would result in him understanding that she does not want a romantic relationship. Tan stopped attending the session one-and-a-half years later as she thought they were futile, as per The Strait Times. Kawshigan then filed a High Court claim against her in July last year after Tan ceased all communication with him. As per CNA, Tan has filed a countersuit of S$480 (about Rs 30,000 approximately) for the expenses she made to protect herself from his alleged harassment. She has also filed another lawsuit for S$1,000 (around Rs 63,000) for expenses incurred while participating in counselling and “healing” sessions at his request. The pre-trial hearing for Kawshigan’s High Court lawsuit is slated for 9 February. With inputs from agencies Read all the  Latest News ,  Trending News ,  Cricket News ,  Bollywood News , India News  and  Entertainment News  here. Follow us on  Facebook ,  Twitter  and  Instagram .