The Moderate Mahila Mandate: Men and vulnerability

In an era where we fetishize opinions we don’t own, the weekly ‘Moderate Mahila Mandate’ presents unadulterated and non-partisan views on what’s happening to women in India today.

Every single time I write or speak about being a domestic abuse survivor, a man will message or speak up about his own abuse. For many, it’s the first time they’ve spoken of this in public, the first time they’ve found the courage to admit to being victims. They all get emotional. Some break down. Once a former colleague in Dubai even messaged me to confess that he’d abused his girlfriend! He claimed he was ashamed of the monster he’d become and resolved to work on himself, so he never repeated such toxic unforgivable behaviour ever again. But there was one common thread amongst all these men––victims and perpetrators: a sense of relief and release. To finally be vulnerable!

So, when I heard Karan Johar talk of his mental health struggles in the final episode of Koffee With Karan , I bowed once again to this amazing man. Because we need more powerful men willing to show their vulnerability. Hell, we need more men to show their vulnerability! We need to normalise the fact that men are as vulnerable as women, in many aspects of life, and we can’t keep shutting them up!

Because, sadly, boys are taught very early in life what it means to be ‘men’. I remember, five years ago, when I’d taken my 18-month-old nephew to a play area filled with children. A six-year-old had unwittingly pushed him on the floor. My nephew began to cry. Before I could pick him up, an attendant came up to him and cooed, “Hush baby, ladke rote nahin.” Ugh.

I know more men than women who’ve been sexually assaulted when they were younger. But they were told to repress it. They were told they’re not ‘man enough’ if they were not invincible and impervious. I know many men who’ve faced various issues that are considered ‘women-centric’ but never been allowed to publicly express these. Because society doesn’t seek men’s private submission, only their public glory.

Unfortunately, society also codes what ‘masculine’ means for a boy––boys can’t cry, boys can’t be sensitive, boys can’t wear pink, boys can’t pursue their passion, boys can’t wear skirts. Men are taught that masculinity translates into being ‘strong, stoic, hard and unemotional’. Boys are bullied into becoming macho––whatever that means––but they cannot be vulnerable, fearful, or sensitive.

Parents, teachers, caretakers and peers shape this attitude––without getting it right. As Nigerian novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie says, “Masculinity is a hard, small cage, and we put boys inside this cage.” We stifle the humanity of boys. We define masculinity in a very narrow way. If a boy plays with dolls or wants to learn ballet, he is told he’s not ‘man enough’. We do a great disservice to boys if at homes, classrooms and playgrounds we develop their notions of what it means to be a man in such a narrow way. The pressure to be manly is an unfair narrative subscribed to men.

To be a man.

What does that even mean? To be insensitive, unfeeling and unemotional? To not be vulnerable, or fearful, or nurturing? It isn’t. It can’t be.

What all this translates into is that we have to pay careful attention to how we are defining gender roles, and what we are raising children––boys and girls––to believe about themselves. It is important to pay careful attention to gender roles being prescribed to boys, as we are to girls. In today’s world of superwomen and feminists, the casual male entitlement is also ceasing to exist. This makes it tough to be a ‘man’ today, in the provincial sense, doesn’t it? Because we tell our girls to fly, but don’t tell our boys that instead of clipping their wings, go fly with them?

As the world’s most favourite feminist Gloria Steinem says––it shouldn’t be¬¬ about biology but consciousness. We have to ensure that boys are not left out of the movement of gender equality. Because rape, assault, abuse and domestic violence are not just female domains are they? Some men suffer from it too. Of course, the scale and severity often differs. But it’s also not absent as society pretends it is.

How do we enhance awareness? How do we increase this consciousness that Steinem speaks of?

As primary caregivers, parents have the most profound impact on the way their children are raised. To bring about equality they have to pay careful attention to the gender roles being prescribed to both girls and boys. They have to think about what they’re teaching their boys to believe about themselves and about women.

What should parents do? To begin with, speak openly to your sons about things that will truly matter to them. Things like: Don’t go for things that are coded as masculine. Be sensitive, nurturing and caring. Be vulnerable. Follow whatever dream you have, even if it’s not something that will bring you a monthly pay cheque. Cook, if you wish, and extend the same courtesy to the women in your life. Pick up the tab, and let your girlfriend do the same. Never use your physical power against women, or men. Marry a girl who will not be a superwoman, but will not expect you to be a superman either. Bring home the bacon, or cook the damn thing, and extend the same freedom to your wife. Don’t let society call you a superhero when you change your son’s diapers. Don’t take awards for doing the minimal as a father, when your wife would face brickbats if she did the minimal. Be a great father, not just a great employee. Be masculine without being defined by what it’s supposed to mean. Embrace humanity. Being a man today is getting rid of all the stereotypes that define your gender. Dump the BS.

Forget those things that you don’t remember. Things that no longer matter. Boys should think of equality as rubber, stretching to accommodate the things that can no longer exist, for themselves and for women. And, whatever crooked and climbing paths they take in life, they must never think of masculinity as a cage. Because manliness is not ugliness. It’s as much a freedom as feminism is.

Meghna Pant is a multiple award-winning and bestselling author, screenwriter, columnist and speaker, whose latest novel BOYS DON’T CRY (Penguin Random House) will soon be seen on screen.

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