The backlash against Darlings for normalising abuse against men is a good thing for men, and eventually women

In March this year at the Jaipur Literature Festival when my book _Boys Don’t Cry_ was being discussed, the many men in the audience listened in rapture. After the session, which was based on my personal experience with domestic violence, a few men spoke about their experience of being abused. Not only were they victims, but their voices were silenced because men who speak up are mocked for not being ‘man’ enough. They are made to feel ‘weak’ for letting ‘a girl beat them up’! There is no greater showcase of toxic masculinity than that. Because abuse has no gender as Johnny Depp showed us, or as the backlash Darlings is facing for normalizing abuse against men. But bringing the issue to the forefront is a good thing for men, and eventually women, because now that men are recognized as victims, society will take domestic violence more seriously. Remember, this is because silence, too, exacts a price. It makes monsters out of our sons and brothers, our daughters and sisters. My silence and your silence are both wrong. Stop the silence. Stop the violence. Speak up, let us speak. Abuse is not gendered. Why should its calling out be? Stop its casual ableism. Let it be said. Now that I have your attention, let’s look at how you can, and SHOULD, help a victim of abuse, or yourself if you are one, instead of looking the other way:  STEP ONE: RECOGNISE ABUSE  Not all victims who are hit end up in the hospital or the morgue. Women who suffer serious injuries because of physical violence range from 19%-55%. It doesn’t mean they’re not in an abusive environment. Remember, domestic violence also covers emotional, sexual and financial abuse. Recognise abuse for what it is. STEP TWO: STOP THE SILENCE Speak up. Victims do not talk about domestic violence because we’re still in love with our abusers, we are told to shut the fuck up, and we are shamed if we tell someone. Abuse is treated as a private matter. Fuck that. Tell someone you trust––a parent, a friend, a cousin––about what’s happening to you. STEP THREE: TALK TO YOUR ABUSER Speak gently to your abuser about what s/he is doing to you. If your abuser acknowledges her/his mistakes and stops, keep the faith and carry on. Let her/him go to a psychiatrist. Help her/him manage her/his temper. Initiate change. Sadly, abusers rarely change. If s/he’s unwilling to stop, don’t wait. If you are too kind or too patient, s/he may will, one day, take things too far and you could will end up dead.  STEP FOUR: LEAVE YOUR ABUSER Walk out. I know, you’re afraid of being judged. You are scared to be alone. It’s difficult to leave because of the children, finances, the lingering love and hope. It feels impossible. You’ll tell yourself you can’t do it. But you can.  The excuses you make for staying in an abusive relationship will seem nonsensical to you once you’ve left your perpetrator. Trust me. I’ve been there. STEP FIVE: LEAVE THE HOUSE Get out of the house immediately. Be smart, be careful. Be out of reach to your abuser. If you have children, take them with you, or s/he may threaten to hurt them. Stay with a friend, stay with family, stay in a quarantine hotel. Move to a safe place. This step is the hardest. But––you can do it. STEP SIX: GET MEDICAL HELP Go to a hospital or doctor in case you need medical help. Don’t worry about overwhelming them. Your life is as important as anyone else’s. If there’s a lockdown, use telemedicine to receive trauma-informed care. If you’re hurt and can’t move, call an ambulance. Dial your local helpline number. For example, this number is 1298 for Mumbai and 1091 for Bengaluru. 108 works in most states. STEP SEVEN: REPORT ABUSE Report your abuser to the police. If you’re stuck indoors, call the police helpline 103 or 100**.** If you can get out, go to the nearest police station and file Non-Cognisable Offences (NCs) or First Information Reports (FIRs) against your abuser. Or––dial 181, a helpline dedicated to domestic violence. Or, 1091/1291 that helps anyone in distress. Or, the Central Social Welfare Board at 011-23317004. Or, WhatsApp the National Commission For Women (NCW) at 7217735372, a number dedicated to abused women. You’ll probably prefer to reach out to your natal family as the first responders. That’s ok. But, in case you’re distanced from your regular support system, these institutionalised channels are a great recourse to remind you that you are not alone. STEP EIGHT: LAWYER UP Get a good lawyer. The law under The Domestic Violence Act 2005 and 498A Act protects you. If you can’t afford a lawyer, avail free legal services under your District Free Legal Aid Services. You can also seek legal counsel from Majlis Legal Centre, run by Flavia Agnes, or from Lawyers Collective Women’s Rights Initiative (LC WRI) at 011-24373993/24372923. You can talk to your lawyer, and later, to the Magistrate Courts for interim relief. STEP NINE: KNOW YOUR RIGHTS The law is in your favour. Both civil and criminal law apply to physical violence, and provide grounds for divorce under matrimonial offence. It will stop your offender, save you from eviction from a shared household, get you monetary compensation and maintenance, kick-in an interim or ex-parte order for child custody, assign you a Protection Officer (who can be punished for not taking action), and provide you counselling, shelter and free legal services. It’s awesome! You may not want to––but be aware that your perpetrator can be, and should be, imprisoned. S/he deserves it. Sadly, punishment is not as brutal as what s/he did to you. It’s only a jail sentence of up to one year and a Rs 20,000 fine. STEP TEN: NGO UP Contact NGO’s (numbers online) that provide emotional counselling, legal aid and shelters. These include Bharatiya Grameen Mahila Sangh, SNEHA, Azad Foundation, Angala, CEHAT, The Urja Trust, Saheli Trust, Sambhali Trust, Sakshi, Invisible Scars, AALI, Vimochana, Sakhi One Stop Centre, My Choices Foundation, Jagori, Nirmal Niketan, Nari Raksha Samiti, Aks Foundation and Shakti Shalini. STEP ELEVEN: DON’T RELY ON SHELTERS The very few domestic violence shelters in India are of dubious quality. They can accommodate only say 200-300 women out of a victim population of almost 200 million. Fortunately, the law will take care of you and provide shelter. STEP TWELVE: LIVE YOUR LIFE  You have a right to live a life free of violence and fear. A life of dignity and happiness. Don’t suffer. The universe will take care of you. But––you have to take care of yourself first. STEP THIRTEEN: RAISE BETTER MEN We shouldn’t be teaching our women, or men, how to survive abuse. We should be teaching our men, and the few women who do, not to abuse. Sadly, our society sucks. According to the UNICEF, 57% of boys and 53% of girls in India think that a husband is justified in beating up his wife! What a vile way of thinking! Raise good men and women. Be good men and women. Sign up for campaigns like Bell Bajao by Breakthrough. Make hashtags like #believewomen #believemen #stopthesilencestoptheviolence #livewithdignity #womenssafety trend instead of #holidayinginmaldives or #boycottbollywood. Add more resources to amplify this message. It can save lives. Be safe, always. Meghna Pant is a multiple award-winning and bestselling author, screenwriter, columnist and speaker, whose latest novel BOYS DON’T CRY (Penguin Random House) will soon be seen on screen.  Read all the  Latest News ,  Trending News ,  Cricket News ,  Bollywood News ,  India News  and  Entertainment News  here. Follow us on  Facebook,  Twitter and  Instagram.