Game of Thrones season 8: Letters to Jon Snow, from his willfully ignored direwolf Ghost

Location: Somewhere in the extreme North of the Seven Kingdoms. A lone direwolf (some call him Ghost) sends missives to his neglectful master, Jon Snow. To be read to the tune and rhythm of Eminem’s ‘Stan’ , from whose lyrics these letters *may* have been adapted.

*

Dear Jon, I wrote you but still ain’t come callin’ I left my paw print and a snout mark at the bottom I sent two ravens back in autumn, you must not-a got ’em There probably was a problem at the rookery or somethin’ Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I claw ’em But anyways, f*ck it, what’s been up? Man, how’s your dragon?

I know you probably hear this everyday, but I’m your biggest fan I even understand the underground shit that you pulled with Sam I got a room full of your posters and your pictures man I like the shit you did with Tormund too, that shit was phat Anyways, I hope you get this man, hit me back, Just to chat, truly yours, Your biggest fan.

*

Dear Jon, you still ain’t called or wrote, I hope you have a chance I ain’t mad, I just think it’s f*cked up you don’t answer fans If you didn’t wanna talk to me outside your castle You didn’t have to, but you coulda taken me along on one of your battles I waited in the blistering cold for you For four hours and you just said, “No.” That’s pretty shitty man, you’re like my f*ckin’ idol I ain’t that mad though, I just don’t like bein’ lied to Remember when we met near Winterfell, you said you’d keep me forever?

See I’m just like you in a way I never knew my mother neither She was killed by a stag, its antlers beat her I can relate to what you’re doing in your wars So when I have a shitty day, I drift away and think about ’em all ‘Cause I don’t really got shit else so that shit helps when I’m depressed I even got a tattoo of your name across my furry chest

See everything you say is real, and I respect you ‘cause you tell it The other direwolves would get jealous ‘cause I talked about you 24/7 Daenerys don’t know you like I know you Jon, no one does She don’t know what it was like for people like us growin’ up, You gotta call me man, I’ll be the biggest fan you’ll ever lose Sincerely yours, Ghost. P.S. we should be together soon.

*

Dear Mister “I’m Too Good To Call Or Write My Fans” This will be the last raven I ever send your ass It’s been a season-and-a-half and still no word, I don’t deserve it? I know you got my last two letters, I clawed the addresses on ’em perfect So this is my message I’m sending you, I hope you hear it

I’m in the lands north of Winterfell now, You know the story by Old Nan, “In the Air of the Long Night” About that guy who could a saved that other guy from drowning But didn’t, and at the Trident found him? That’s kinda how this is, you could a rescued me from drowning Now it’s too late, I’m a thousand leagues away, I’m drowsy And all I wanted was a lousy letter or a call I hope you know I ripped all of your pictures off the wall

I love you Jon, we coulda been together, think about it You ruined it now, I hope you can’t sleep and you dream about it And when you dream I hope you can’t sleep and you scream about it I hope your conscience eats at you and you can’t breathe without me And when the Night King comes, you can’t fight without me

Well, gotta go, I’m almost at the Wall now Oh shit, I forgot, how am I supposed to send this shit out?

While you’re here, check out our Game of Thrones season 8 coverage . From opinions to analysis, reviews and recaps, news and photos — we’ve got it all. Oh, and also our podcast — GoTCast