Editor's note: So you’ve swiped right, exchanged numbers and got yourself a date on Tinder. What next? This is a 10-part series on the dating landscape among the young-ish and single-ish of India. Part II is about the "Tinder Woman" — the 10 ladies you're likely to see on Tinder.
1. HUM SAATH SAATH HAIN
HER PHOTO: She’ll have photos of herself cooking restaurant-ordered biryani, holding her doe-eyed nephew, praying in a Shiva temple, and playing with Tuffy. Anything to convince you that she is marriage material. Because, you see, this abla nari is looking for a husband — on Tinder. And, because we’re Indians, these women exist … by the thousands … and have made Tinder become Shaadi.com!
HER INTRO: Only serious applicants need apply.
She has no time for Tinder’s frivolities and jest. She’s anywhere between 24-35 years old and in our country this entitles her to think and talk only of marriage.
HER MESSAGE: What your intentions are on Tinder?
Do your parents know you’re on Tinder?
Did your brother find his wife on Tinder?
Where do you work?
What is your salary post TDS?
Do you like children?
How tall are you?
— and the most important life-changing question —
Are you free on Saturday to meet my Mummy for chai?
Beware! One jokey answer and she’ll unmatch you mid-conversation.
HER PHOTO: She’s every Tinder man’s dream come true. She’ll have selfies in her backless dress, which is so short you wonder if she forgot her pants. She is perpetually in bars, holding many different men, or at the beach with her breasts hanging out of her bikini.
HER INTRO: Looking for like-minded people to have some fun with. NSA (no strings attached) or FWB (friends with benefits).
HER MESSAGE: Sex?
If you’re looking for a fling or a one-night stand (the purpose of Tinder before we Indianised it), you’ve hit the jackpot. Just don’t forget to double bag it!
3. PISSED OFF
HER PHOTO: Her face will be hidden by her hair or giant sunglasses, or — more
likely — both. She’ll also have photos of women with coloured dots over their painted faces and a dagger in their hair.
HER INTRO: There is nothing that Tinder can offer which I can’t get otherwise. So there is no particular reason I’m here.
HER MESSAGE: Test subject 1498. Why the f*** are you here? Why are we all here? Actually, don’t tell me. I don’t exist so some patriarchal beneficiary can come up to me and tell me what he thinks.
You have no idea why this woman is so pissed off. And, why is she not burning her bra instead of coming on Tinder?
4. HAPPILY MARRIED UNHAPPY
HER PHOTO: She’ll have photos of herself lip-locked with her husband, playing with her two children, snarling at her mother-in- law.
HER INTRO: M an ordinary married and totally freak out gal … M totally naughty … M little ova the top. M new Here so don’t give a damn.
HER MESSAGE: M Happily married unHappy. After two children my Hubby not like sex. M into golden shower if you wanna Hve sex?
For those of us who are not ‘happily married unhappy’ a golden shower is the act of urinating on another person for sexual gratification. M serious!
5. LADY ON CALL
HER PHOTO: Photos connected to Instagram with ample cleavage shots, watermelon-sized breasts, porno bodies and so many filters that you need to wear sunglasses. You’ll think that the incognito window from your laptop has transferred to your phone.
HER INTRO: Do U like lollipops? Cause I’ll take U to my candy shop …
HER MESSAGE: U want some company? Thoroughly tested. Call 001–– with your credit card details.
She puts the STD in STUD because all she needs is U. Proceed with caution.
HER PHOTO: Impossibly beautiful and young with that perfect doe-eyed smile. You wonder why she’s on Tinder.
HER INTRO: Looking for LVE.
You wonder why such a creature needs love when she must get it from any man who meets her. You swipe right without a thought and feel like you’re in a Disney movie because ‘You Have A New Match’.
HER MESSAGE: You’re not looking at her message because she’s changed her display picture. And she looks nothing like the one you saw! You go to the second picture and almost drop your phone into the toilet bowl. Within the span of one photo this woman has gone from Cinderella to Shrek. See, Photoshop was her second name before she got Lazy. It’s called the subtle act of deception, something that human history has long witnessed, so what’s a little Tinder?
7. THE SWINGERS
HER PHOTO: Blank
HER INTRO: Well educated 40/38 married couple here with a wacky sense of humour. Ping us if you believe in happy times inside bed.
For some reason couples looking to swing are most common for Tindeurs ‘seeking women’.
HER MESSAGE: 101, Sukh Sagar Lane, Mumbai – 11.
These swingers do not reveal their names or photos, but they’re happy to reveal their home address. Discretion, thy name is Tinder!
HER PHOTO: She posts photos of her rock climbing in Hampi, white water rafting in Rishikesh and skydiving in Dhana. She is usually white, super toned and every Indian man’s fantasy date.
HER INTRO: I want to be the reason you look into your phone and run into the pole. Fitness professional. Working out is a must.
HER MESSAGE: Hey! Wanna join me for the marathon on Sunday?
I can’t. I ran the marathon last Sunday.
Last Sunday? But that was a half-marathon. This is a FULL marathon.
I don’t do full marathons. Not yet
Ehm … hello?
You’ve been unmatched. You’re not fit enough.
9. THE BRICK WALL
HER PHOTO: She’ll have only one photo where she seems pretty, sweet and sensible, like the girl next door.
HER INTRO: Here to meet new people and see if it leads to something more. C'est la vie!
Finally, a normal girl on Tinder!
HER MESSAGE: Hi!
Hi. Great to connect here!
How’ve you been?
Would you like to meet for coffee?
She disappears. No further messages. No activity. It’s like hitting a brick wall. Most men on Tinder face this issue. Stay cool. Don’t binge message her. Don’t send her unfiltered messages on Facebook. She’ll reappear after two months and carry on the conversation like you never stopped.
10. FRIENDS FOREVER
HER PHOTO: She’ll be that cute and bubbly girl with lots of group photos in which you see half your friends.
HER INTRO: If you’re looking for hookups please swipe left. Here to make friends.
You have 78 mutual friends. How is it possible that you’re not already friends?
HER MESSAGE: Omg! Aren’t you Rakesh from Suresh’s class?
He he. Yeah! I am.
Didn’t we go to Essel World in 1996?
He he. Yeah! We did.
Why are you on Tinder?
He he. My friend downloaded it for me two minutes ago! My hand accidentally swiped everyone right.
Really? Mine too! We have SO many things in common!
Aren’t you married?
No. Got divorced a week ago.
So did I! We should totally hang yaar!
We should. But let’s tell everyone we bumped into each other at CCD. Okay?
What nonsense yaar! Wait, I’m calling Suresh right now!
Welcome to Tinder.
Next week: Part III — "The First Date" — How do most Tinder dates pan out? Who asks for a date and who pays?
Also read: Part I — "The Tinder Man" — the 10 guys you'll see on Tinder.
Published Date: May 08, 2016 08:35 am | Updated Date: May 08, 2016 08:35 am