Love in the time of Tinder: The 10 men you'll meet on the dating app

Editor's note: So you’ve swiped right, exchanged numbers and got yourself a date on Tinder. What next? This is a 10-part series on the dating landscape among the young-ish and single-ish of India. Part I is about the "Tinder Man" — the 10 guys you'll see on Tinder.

So, ladies, you have a flame on your phone app and in your — ehm — unmentionables. But before you pop open that Moët at having discovered the Uber for dating and mating, you might want to have a sneak peek at the type of men that Tinder has on offer.

Warning: The following information could convince you to keep that cork secure, if you catch my drift.

1. THE 'I'M HORNY AND YOU KNOW IT' GUY

His photo: Stock footage of — ripped shirtless abdomen, low jeans ending just above the crotch, an impossibly good-looking white couple in coitus, Hrithik Roshan.

His intro: I'm looking to find a married housewife that is feeling neglected or board (sic) and would like some company during the day, whilst hubby is off at work. I'm married too but missing out, if you are, perhaps we could help each other have a more enjoyable days.

This guy saved himself for marriage but his wife ain’t giving him any. He can’t divorce his wife but he will divorce sex deprivation. He’s on Mission Tinder and it’s all about getting laid.

His message:I’m excellent in love making having very good horsepower.

These are the 10 male archetypes you'll find most commonly on Tinder. Image from Tinder

There are the 10 male archetypes you'll find most commonly on Tinder. Image from Tinder for representation.

2. THE MARRIED GUY

His photo: The only thing more confusing than female condoms is seeing a guy on Tinder clutching onto his wife and baby. Why is he on Tinder? Why did he upload this family photo? And, why oh why is he holding his family as though swiping right will tear them apart?

His intro: Here to make fraands.

Put this man in a witness box and he’ll solemnly swear that he’s on Tinder to ‘make fraandship’ because — duh! — you can’t make friends by talking to people in real life. Who even does that anymore?

His message:

#Sorry for disappointment as I am married.. you are late just kidding.
#I am here just to make good like minded fraands with whom I can roam around like family and need not hide myself.
#I am very bad on PJs and my fraands always try to kill me for that.
#Lastly I don't eat people if they accept my fraandship. And don't bother them even if they don't accept.
#That's I am... 

Indeed.

3. THE PARTY ANIMAL

His photo: Bella Swan would swipe right. For this man, like a vampire, is never seen in broad daylight. His photos are taken in smoke-filled bars, deep in the night, with his head lolling, body swaying, eyes red, a drink in his hand and a little powder on his nose.

His intro: This is not Shaadi.com.

He will scold you, before you even have the chance to swipe left. True to his vampire kinship, this man will remain forever alive. He will be on Tinder in 2016, 2017, 2018 … 2059 … holding that same glass of vodka, with those same red eyes and that same wobbly pose.

His message:Sup? Wanna meet at 2nite?

4. THE INTELLECTUAL

His photo: Showing his face is too plebian an act, so there will be a sepia-toned photograph of this man staring wistfully away into what is hopefully not a woman. His next photo will be a Rumi quote about love, followed by the cover of a French novel that no one has heard of.

His intro: Sapiosexual.

For a second I thought that ‘sapiosexual’ was a man who got turned on by tree sap. Because you see, despite this word’s raging popularity on Tinder, I have yet to meet someone who introduces himself as, “Hi, I’m sapiosexual!”

His message: e^{\pi i} + 1 = 0 [/xy]

Loosely translates into: Would you like to meet for coffee?

5. THE SRK FAN

His photo: This guy will stand in front of buildings and mountains and statues of Mamta Banerjee, with his arms stretched out, as though waiting for you to run into them.

His intro: Nothing. He’s waiting for you to run into his arms.

His message: Nothing. He’s waiting for you to run into his arms.

6. THE OLD IS GOLD GUY

His photo: Champagne in one hand and the young unsuspecting wife of a fellow bloke in another, this guy will upload group photos in five-star bars, where he’s the only one with white hair, wrinkles and a wink. You see, Botox and anti-ageing creams are passé. This guy has discovered the new fountain of youth: Tinder. And it’s free (how else will he pay for that champagne?).

His intro: 39 yo!

He was 39. In 1999.

He’ll swipe everyone right in the hope of finding a gold-digging young — above 18; keep it legal, yo! — and watching her grow.

His message:Yo! I won’t tell anyone we met here if you don’t.

This is what counts as old-world charm in new-age Tinder.

7. THE CAR MECHANIC

His photo: He’ll stand in front of a Ferrari, Mercedes or BMW but will never be inside them.

His intro: Life in the fast lane.

His message:Vroom ... vroom

This fella will take you to Sukh Sagar for a date, in his bade sahib’s BMW.

8. THE WORKOUT GUY

His photo: This man will only have semi-nude selfies with his six-pack abs, the most notable being of him posing in front of a mirror in a towel. He’s most likely an unemployed model, actor or the next Taher Shah wannabe.

His intro: How fit you are decides how far you go.

Wait, isn’t that line from the new Kangana Ranaut ad?

His message:Hmmm ….

He’s humming because he’s hit himself on the head with his own dumbbell. Many times.

9. THE LIAR, LIAR

His photo: The first photo will be of him in a suit looking nonchalantly Don Draperish, the second photo will be of him holding a laughing baby, and the third photo will be of him helping blind people cross the road.

His intro: Harvard, Yale, Wharton. Doctor with my own practice. 6'2". Volunteer at Red Cross. The baby in the picture is my niece. Looking for a deep meaningful relationship with ‘the one’.

His message:After seeing you, I’m so glad my friend downloaded Tinder on my phone, without my permission, and my hand swiped right, due to a muscle spasm.

If he sounds too good to be true, then he probably is. In reality, he’s probably an unemployed divorcee with BO and a PhD from YALE — Yamini's Aloo Lauki Enstitute. Don’t believe me? Google him.

10. THE DUMBSTRUCK

His photo: He’ll only upload group photos where he’s the one clutching something — a friend, guitar, a baby (niece, of course) or a tree.

Being on Tinder is the bravest and coolest thing he’s ever done. It’s like his bungee jumping. He can’t believe he’s made it.

His intro: Anyone out there??? Swipe right plssssssz.

His message:

Hiiiiiii. How urr?
I’m fine.
Hi.
How urr?

Same as a second ago.
Your smile is so sweet and beautiful, Oh Lord pls take care of this well...

I will tell The Lord.
How urr?
Hi. How urr this Sunday morning?
Hi. How urr this Sunday afternoon?
How urr this Sunday evening?
Hello. Where urr? Where urr? Where urr?
Seems urr busiiieee
Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

Did I forget to mention that he’s a virgin?

Next week: Part II — "The Tinder Woman" – The 10 Ladies You See On Tinder


Published Date: May 01, 2016 11:57 am | Updated Date: May 01, 2016 11:57 am



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