India's open letter to English: It was fun but we've found someone else

by Overrated Outcast Dear English, We need to talk. No, no, don’t try to avoid this conversation. Why are you acting so surprised? You knew this day was coming. I know we’ve had some good times. We fell in love when we were young. You were just beginning your ascent as the most popular language in the world. We were beginning our new life as an independent nation. We embraced you like a teenager embraces the first object of their affection: awkwardly and with caution. [caption id="" align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Listen, it’s over: Reuters image[/caption] We needed you so that people living in a diverse country speaking hundreds of different languages would finally have a common one to communicate with each other. You need us to adapt you so that you could get the stench of being the language of oppression off of you. It was a match made in heaven! We became the power couple to watch out for. All those who came before us didn’t even know what love was about. We were going to show those losers how it’s done. You were going to help us conquer the world while we were going to keep you alive and stop you from suffering the same fate as Latin and Sanskrit. Alas, that was not to be. Somewhere along the way, as it usually happens, things took an ugly turn and the love between us soured into something reprehensible. We grew into one of those couples we promised ourselves we wouldn’t become. We began to do things that couples do when they’re together only because neither of them wants to be the first to admit that they want an out. Instead of going our separate ways, we stayed together and kept doing things that would piss each other off. We did to you what American fast-food chains have to do to survive in a foreign market: we localized you. That’s right. We turned you into the language equivalent of a disgusting serving of crispy fried chicken mixed with boiled rice. After that, there was no way this relationship could survive. Look, you’ve had a good run. Isn’t it time for you to retire and give someone else the chance? Now that we’re being honest with each other, it’s time for you to face another truth. We’ve been seeing someone on the side. Yes. Another language. Do you really need to play the blame game, after things between us have become so bad? So we’re going to start seeing Hindi full-time now. Unlike you, it’s quite dependable. It was born here and knows the lay of the land. And we can be sure its never going to leave us for another country. Hindi isn’t going to pretend to be a whole another person when we visit America. It’s the same everywhere! Besides, Hindi is the kind of language you take home to Mom. Unlike you, it didn’t spend its time in school snorting cocaine. It studied hard and got all the good grades. While you had sex with other teenagers who couldn’t control their hormones, Hindi put all its energy into working for the national good. You spent your youth gallivanting through foreign lands while Hindi stayed at home, taking care of its parents. All of us consider this our second independence movement. In the first one we got rid of the people who brought you to us. In the second one, we’re going to get rid of you. Now you’re going to suffer the fate that our premier national language does. From now on, you’re going to be the language everyone speaks by default and Hindi is the one that people will have to learn as a special skill. Now people who don’t know Hindi are going to be made to feel humiliated; denied job promotions no matter how talented they are. Not taken seriously by the media because of their inability to express their thoughts in God’s own dialect. From now on, Hindi will be the language of the elites. Instead of St. Stephens, poseurs like Mani Shankar Aiyar are going to have to pretend to be from Banaras Hindu University. And instead of meeting every Saturday for a strongly worded debate and a discussion on Wodehouse, they’re going to spend their time in a prayer meeting followed by a discussion on the virtues of Munshi Premchand. And instead of appreciating how Jane Austen was ahead of her time, they’re going to gin up insincere outrage about the supposed vulgarity in the works of Amrita Pritam. Don’t think we don’t appreciate what you’ve done for us. You’ve been a great equaliser. You’ve aided a lot of people in making something of themselves. You’ve helped people bridge gaps that come with cultural chauvinism. But we’re over all that. Look, Hindi’s great. Undeniably, more people speak English and we’re going to limit ourselves if we stick to one language, but that’s not a problem. If the rest of the world wants its computers fixed and needlessly sold extra modules of RAM, they’re going to have to learn Hindi. That’s right. They’re going to have to bring the mountain to us. So we bid you goodbye. We hope you think of this not as a disappointment, but as an opportunity. We wish you well in your future endeavours in China. Namaste !@#$%^&*$.