Why Kate and William's baby will be less royal, more celebrity

Earlier this year, author Hillary Mantel compared the public’s obsession with the Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton’s pregnancy with a visit to the zoo. “Pandas and royal persons alike are expensive to conserve and ill-adapted to any modern environment,” observed Mantel. “Some people find them endearing; some pity them for their precarious situation; everybody stares at them and, however airy the enclosure they inhabit, it’s still a cage.” Expensive, endearing, pitied and stared at – ideas that any Hollywood A-lister or reality TV contestant would be familiar with. Thanks to Britain’s tabloid culture and our bored voyeurism, the British royal family has become as common as international celebrities and Kate is getting mothering advice from Snooki. The obsession with William, Kate and their unborn child transcends British borders. The ‘royal baby’, due today, has been painstakingly tracked in-utero over the last nine months by publications all over the world. Even though the baby hasn’t done much (other than develop cognitively and physically) Kate’s moods, cravings and hospitalisations are known to a disproportionately large number of people across the globe. [caption id=“attachment_948757” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  A figurine of Britain’s Prince William and his wife Catherine is seen being painted in a shop at San Gregorio Armeno street in Naples. AP[/caption] To interpret our obsession with Kate’s fetus as a reflection of old-fashioned fascination for aristocracy is to completely miss the point. In our modern age, the royals have reinvented themselves using the only kind of currency that has any value today – celebrity. Kate’s little one will be less known for its royalty and more known for being a tabloid cover kid, much like his father and uncle in the last generation. It really began with Diana, the People’s Princess and mother of Princes William and Harry. Since Elizabeth II’s ascension 60 years ago, the monarchy has struggled with the realisation that the divine right to rule and the British Empire no longer have much authority in a secular and democratic world order. In 1969, a TV documentary showed the British royal family chatting, relaxing and gently ribbing each other as though they were any other civilian family. The notoriously media-averse Prince Charles went on TV to declare his love for the Queen; the Queen’s Civil List was cut back and the Labour Party began an initiative to “lift the veil of mystery around the Royal Prerogative” (under which the British PM can take unilateral decisions in the name of the Crown) - all pointing out how being a royal wasn’t as much of a privileged cloister as it had been before. The one who really epitomised the status of modern royalty was Diana Spencer, most photographed woman in the world and who eventually became a human sacrifice to the same paparazzi culture that had made her life newsworthy in the first place. After her death, the Royal Family was attacked for being “an alien breed stuck in a timewarp” by The Sun, a previously staunchly royalist publication. The legacy of celebrity has been passed on to Diana’s sons and now also, her daughter in-law. Now Kate and William are the the adored figures, walking an impossible tightrope of being perfect, but humbly so. Requirement number one: austerity. Kate and William live in a comparatively modest home and dismissed their fleet of butlers and maids. Requirement number two: struggle. Kate was ‘bullied’, we are told repeatedly, and she has gone on to donate generously to anti-bullying initiatives. Requirement three: lose the unironic pomp and circumstance of royalty, which is perhaps why the couple drove off in the Austin Powers-styled ‘Shaguar’, a sexed-up motorcar which ilicited hoots of approval from the crowds and next-day headlines like “The Royals are more fun now – and like us!” Requirement number four: respect the fans and cultivate phony familiarity. William and Kate write personalised notes to thank the nation and drive around London in an open-top Aston Martin. Requirement number five: scandal. Kate’s topless photos practically created an international incident when they were published across Europe. Which brings us to the last requirement: pregnancy. The angle that this baby will be the heir to a throne only adds an extra thrill to an already pitch-perfect celebrity narrative. Kate has already covered the grounds required to become a fashionista, an essential aspect of being a public celebrity. Now, she’s en route to cementing her status as such with the Royal Baby. The obsession with William and Kate’s soon-to-be-born child may be just the Pavlovian response of a public that now finds famous childbirths singularly exciting. If there was a happy family of tabloid babies, it would include this royal offspring along with Suri Cruise, Brangelina’s brood, the Bennifer Baby and North West. That’s a bestseller tabloid cover idea right there.