No more snake and ladder? British playground pervert banned from visiting any location that has a slide

If you were among those that found Fifty Shades of Grey — its sequels and film adaptation too — offensive, or at the very least mildly disturbing to your sensibilities, you ain’t seen nothing yet. ‘Slide’ aside EL James and say hello to Christopher Johnson.

Amid bizarre sexual fetishes, this one doesn’t so much take the cake, as the entire bakery and the pastry shop next door.

The Coventry Telegraph reports that 46-year-old Christopher Johnson from an eastern suburb of the British city of Coventry was arrested for ‘simulating a sexual act with a slide’ at a local playground.

A little before 11 pm on 18 August, the police was called to Stoke Green Park after four people spotted the perpetrator, who was clearly upto no good.

Johnson was handed a three-year Criminal Behaviour Order — that bans him from anywhere that has a slide — after he pleaded guilty to ‘outraging public decency’. Basically, playgrounds, amusement parks, water parks, leisure centres, swimming pools and community parks are out of bounds for him. Whether this includes places fitted with wheelchair and shopping trolley ramps or not is as-yet-unclear. But it’s probably safe to assume it doesn’t.

If the ban wasn’t bad enough, Johnson was ‘fined £55 and had to pay a £60 victim surcharge, £85 costs and a £180 criminal courts charge’. But wait, there’s more: He has also been ordered to attend an 18-month course of sex offender treatment and some sort of rehabilitation activity. Johnson was previously convicted for a similar offence last July, where he ‘performed a sexual act on the top of a slide’ at another park in Coventry.

And so, while it may seem like justice has been done, the charge of public indecency does seem slightly inadequate, particularly if you take into account the fact that slide — installed as part of the play area in February 2012 — was clearly underage.