Can Putin find Azam Khan's buffaloes? Things Russian president must do in India

When we first heard Russian president Vladimir Putin is coming to India, we knew he will be able to achieve some extraordinary things. And, why not? He has been the master of impossible. So, while we hope his talks with Prime Minister Narendra Modi go well, these are the things we would want ‘Herculean’ Putin to attempt: 1) Find Azam Khan’s buffaloes:

Now this one is a head-scratcher. Ever since Azam Khan’s buffaloes went MIA, UP politics and Azam’s ability to speak complete nonsense seems to have gone up a thousand times. But fear not. Hercules reincarnate, King of everything Macho, Vladimir Putin is here. With any luck he will find the animals who, we’re sure, ran away for the sake of their own sanity. Alternatively, we’ll settle for the footage of the Russian president walking through the jungles of UP with a giant gun in his hands, Omkara-style.   2) Board a Virar local. And get out before Virar:

Who hasn’t boarded the occasional Virar local, only to find themselves wedged between so many people that you can’t get out anywhere? Putin should know, hunting in freezing Siberia doesn’t hold a candle to the ingenuity, physical prowess and exceptional swearing skills one needs to walk out a Virar local anywhere but Virar. Putin, can thy machismo beat the local janta? We don’t know yet, but we already have a ticket for him.   3) Make Dabangg 3 and beat Sallu’s record:

After the amount of bullshit the public was subjected to in the first two editions, whats to stop Dabangg 3? We cannot wait to watch Putin pull a Sallu: shirtless, clueless and generally senseless. Plus who could ignore him shaking a leg to Munni? We promise ample Zandu balm and occasional badnami. Darling tere liye!   4) Book confirmed tickets on IRCTC in the first shot:

This is Putin. RAC will not suffice. And with any luck, if his stint on the Mumbai locals go well, he will graduate to the next level: booking tickets on IRCTC. We promise to provide a bad broadband connection, frustrating tatkal waiting lists and DDLJ style slow-mo running. But DDLJ only if he manages to book tickets for himself. And his tiger.   5) He’ll save the Tigers (YAY!):

Recently President Vladimir Putin released the emblem of his machoness: his tiger, into the wild. While the animal hasn’t turned up yet, minus the mini-freak outs on the Mongolian border where it was last spotter, we truly believe Putin is the man to save the tigers. If he can’t, then who?