Bigly Yuge: In Alaska, armed bears take charge to protect counting process from Russians, Democrats

The newly drafted bears have been given the power to hug, maul, or kill suspected saboteurs depending on how they are feeling at the time.

Avirook Sen November 09, 2020 10:16:36 IST
Bigly Yuge: In Alaska, armed bears take charge to protect counting process from Russians, Democrats

Alaskan bear. Image courtesy Carl Chapman/Wikimedia Commons

Alaska passes right to arm bears.

Alaska extended second amendment rights to an endangered minority of its population. The move came after the state was roundly criticised for its slow vote count in the 2020 presidential elections.

Bears, usually targets in Alaska, will now be engaged in active election duty in order to protect the process against sabotage by Democrats and Russians. They will be given guns.

The state’s ballot boxes are spread thinly over its icy expanse. They are transported via sledge to counting stations usually located in towns with a population over 27.

Only 56 percent of Alaska’s votes have been counted so far. Because the process has been jeopardised by Russia this election, reports say. Aided by Democrat collaborators, the Russians have sprinkled juicy treats on key routes, distracting the hungry Huskies who drag the sledges.

Even more alarming is the sudden rise in the population of stray overdressed, overgroomed “dogs of easy virtue” along the way, suspected to have been shipped clandestinely across the Bering Straits.

This influx slows the deliveries down even more effectively. “You really can’t blame our Huskies—it’s cold and lonely out there…” said a state official, as he stared wistfully at a sheep.

The newly drafted bears have been given the power to hug, maul, or kill suspected saboteurs depending on how they are feeling at the time. They are expected to escort the sledges safely to the capital Juneau by summer.

This is a work of satire.

The writer is a journalist and author of Aarushi, an account of the murder investigation and ensuing trial.

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