Bigly Yuge: Donald Trump confident of re-election but insists 'soup' coup can derail his plans

At the time of writing, last minute preparations were underway for the final showdown between Democrats and Republicans on the streets, polling booths and golf courses of America. Long MAGA hatted queues were observed at the guns and ammo sections of Walmarts across the country. Equally long queues of masked men and women jammed the aisles of the canned soups sections at these stores. President Trump has called the deadly soup can the weapon of choice for Democrats. From all accounts, he is right. The masked queues also rounded the aisles into the bottled water section. An unidentifiable man explained that water was a defensive weapon against the tear gas that police precincts were hoarding up on. Other parts of the country have reported results already—and no untoward incidents. The town of Dixville Notch in New Hampshire opened its polling room at midnight and reported that all its five votes had been cast and counted. Biden won 5-0. But Trump took the nearby town of Millsville 16-5. His campaign says he will shortly announce victory in New Hampshire via Twitter. This is a work of satire The writer is a journalist and author of Aarushi_, an account of the murder investigation and ensuing trial_