Bigly Yuge: Donald Trump announces national mask mandate after Halloween brainwave

Two days before the US election and several months of constantly hearing ‘Covid, Covid, Covid’, Donald Trump has announced a nationwide mask mandate. His top advisers see this as a victory for both science and politics. “The idea came to the President as he watched Halloween trick or treating between campaign stops in Pennsylvania. He gave specific orders almost immediately”, said a White House spokesperson. Trump’s advisory recommends the use of Halloween pumpkins for women, and fuller PPP gear for men, like those originally designed by the KKK. An indicative video has been helpfully attached with the release.

The Trump campaign is invigorated and inspired by the development. “Not only does this stop all the democratic whining about masks, it also gives our supporters a uniform. That’s the kind of brilliant mind this President possesses.” The uniforms will come in especially handy on election day, says the Trump camp, whose preparations for civil unrest are all in place. “Our supporters will easily identify each other on the battlefield, reducing friendly fire casualties to zero — like no battle has ever seen before.” The reference appeared to be to the Battle of the Border in Texas shortly after Trump was elected. Two hunters reached the border in their armoured recreational vehicles that night, on the hunt for Mexicans. But in the heat and chaos of battle, they shot each other because no Mexican was to be found. This is a work of satire The writer is a journalist and author of Aarushi_, an account of the murder investigation and ensuing trial_