Around the world in a million years: The real story behind the Kohinoor

The Koh-i-Noor diamond is old. It's ancient. For perspective, remember your grandmother? It's older than her.

Turns out, other than above stated fact, everything we've known about the shiniest of all diamonds is as true as the as the Big Bang Theory.

After months of investigation by a team of 696 journalists, historians, private investigators, handwriting and diamond experts, and even psychologists from across the universe, today Firstpost can reveal the contents of secret documents received anonymously, delivered inside an old looking glass bottle.

Related Articles

Queen Elizabeth II's funeral cost UK government $200 million

Why it is unlikely that the British royals will return South African diamonds

So here it is, the real (abridged) history of Koh-i-Noor.

(Warning: The texts received have been painfully converted to contemporary English and purposefully littered with pop culture references on the instruction of our new social media expert. Also, few sequence of events have been dramatised for effect.)

250 million years ago the continents didn't exist. 200 million years ago they did.

The Koh-i-Noor diamond in the Queen's crown. Getty Images.

Then men started walking the earth. They did other things too, but they also walked a lot.

One day, one of them stumbled upon an object like none other while digging a grave. It was a big grave and a one deep too.

"Jesus Christ," he exclaimed. Probably not. Jesus existed much later and he is not part of this story but a team of our dedicated interns are working on that just to be sure.

Drawn to the fat diamond like a Bhakt is drawn to Twitter, the man took it. But expanding on the metaphor, he wasn't very clever.

The word spread through the village and the man was stabbed to death at night.

His silver skin laced with his golden blood and all that.

For thousands of years, the diamond did rounds across what is now known as Asia.

The documents reveal that once a man even swallowed it to save it from getting stolen and it stayed inside him till his death.

Around the late 15th century, stories started to surface of a big diamond that was driving the Mughals crazy.

Turns out the diamond had a mind of its own. Whoever possessed it suddenly gained a sense of false entitlement and generally started be behave like an ass.

"I shall have it," said every king on the land ever.

"How 'bout I kill you?" asked Babur.

Things didn't go down very well.

Next popular owner of the diamond was Shah Jahan. The documents reveal private messages sent by him to his close aides where he said that to him the diamond was even more valuable than even Mumtaz.

The diamond also found its way to Afghanistan. But since no one cares about that region, we'll skip over that.

In early 19th Century, it was passed on to Ranjit Singh of Punjab.

"Knock-Knock."

"Whose there."

"It's the British."

Now the British have the diamond.

The contemporary narrative goes that the British kings thought that it brought luck to them and hence it was only by the female members of the family.

But the documents reveals something far more domestic behind the decision.

"He better give me that diamond or I'm leaving this house," was just one of the many conversations a certain female member of the family with her close circles.

Its 15 August, 1947.

"Give us back our diamond," said India.

"Let's just ignore them,"said the British.

"Give us back the diamond," said India again in 1957.

"Umm... no," said the British.

"Please give it back," said India in 1997 on the 50th anniversary of Independence.

"Jesus, guys, no!" said the British.

"Give it!" implored India again in 2000.

"Nooooooooooo," said the British, this time more firmly.

Ding-dong.

It's Pakistan.

"We like shiny things too."

"No Pakistan. You cannot have it," replied India.

Now, fast forward it and now the law is involved.

At this point India got nervous. "Sh*t's getting real this time," said one of the top lawmaker in a cable the day before the hearing in the Supreme Court.

Next to the utter dismay of Dan Brown who had just finished the eighth draft of his latest, the Indian government said that the diamond was given to the British and not stolen.

"Do you know how my effort it takes to come with this sh*t. Let me tell you — a lot,"said Brown when contacted by Firstpost.

But Dan is not the only one who is disappointed with India's stand.

"How can?", "But it was mine, mine!" are just a few examples how the population of India reacted generally.

Meanwhile, in Britain, the Queen called for a dinner to celebrate the occasion.

"I will never let go of you. My precioussss,"she was heard talking to herself.