Anti-nationals, listen up! Here's a dummy's guide to actually moving to Pakistan

After Kashmiri separatist leader Mirwaiz Umar Farooq was found supporting Pakistan in a game of cricket last week, the Indian media thought it had stumbled upon the perfect punishment for this crime: Make him Pakistan’s 12th man. But, as argued by FP Special Forces so convincingly  in an earlier piece, this ultimately played in Pakistan’s favour, and they clinched a famous victory. [caption id=“attachment_3734677” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Welcome to Pakistan!
Image courtesy: AFP[/caption] But the media — or, for that matter, our politicians — haven’t learnt their lessons. A few people who were celebrating Pakistan’s victory after the match were also politely advised to migrate to Pakistan. A few weeks before this, those in Kerala fond of eating beef were also urged to migrate to Pakistan. Such has been the craze around the threat that people were telling each other to go to Pakistan even here at FP Special Forces HQ. It’s another matter that the question which preceded this statement was “How can one meet Inzamam ul-Haq?” But given the sudden spurt in popularity that moving to Pakistan is now enjoying, we thought it would be only fair to help people out. After all, we thought, can’t have millions of Indians eagerly thronging the Pakistan borders and urging to be let in. There has to be a better way. And that’s when we remembered the famous words of Sachin Tendulkar, who once used to squeak out “Visa power, go get it”. After a few heady moments spent congratulating ourselves thoroughly, we researched visa procedures and have them all listed out here for your kind perusal. You may thank us later, once ensconced cosily in the Pakistani city of choice. According to the Pakistan government website, there are only three ways of becoming a Pakistani — citizens by birth, citizens by descent, and citizens by migration. Now, in order to qualify for the first category, one needed to have been born in what was Pakistan before 1951, which is when the Pakistan Citizenship Act was drawn up. And considering one cannot obviously go around asking people which year they were born in, thereby calculating whether they qualify for citizenship using this rule, we’ve decided to not focus this category at all. Why? Because we make the rules, that’s why. The second category is also ruled out. Children of Pakistani citizens qualify for nationality, and every time a fight takes place, we Indians are prone to asking questions about the parentage and upbringing of people around us, so we assume if Pakistani heritage is involved, it would automatically come up. No need to elaborate unnecessarily on a point well made. So we will now focus our ample energies primarily on the third category. And this is the one you must target. Foreign ladies have it the easiest. All they need to do is marry a Pakistani national. Job done, citizenship secured. We know what you’re thinking: Why doesn’t it work the other way around, why can’t an Indian man marry a Pakistani girl a la Veer Zaara and hope to be a proud resident of the land of the pious? We suggest you write to the Pakistani government. From what we’ve heard, they are very open to constructive criticism. Rich people also have it easy, especially if they happen to be from another Commonwealth country: Donate Rs five million worth of foreign exchange, and start checking out the finest that Pakistan has to offer. This is also wildly speculated to be the approach used by Dawood, the most successful Indian export in Pakistan. This apart, there are also 18 countries with whom Pakistan has a dual nationality agreement, but India is sadly not one of them. Again, a strongly worded e-mail to the Pakistan government could change this. There you go then. The next time someone requests/demands/urges/pleads (delete as per usage) you to move to Pakistan, you won’t be caught asking “But how?” Happy migration!