The Guysexual’s Instruction Manual for Morning-after Etiquette

Uh-oh. You open your eyes to a celling that doesn’t look very familiar, and a bedmate you’ve never seen before. We’ve all been there. You’ve had a drink too many the night before, and are now sprawled on a bed (that isn’t yours) with guilt (that is). But relax, irrespective of whether this is a one-night stand, a causal hookup or the beginning of something fun, here’s how to behave yourself (with or) without waking up your bedmate the morning after: 1. Making the exit Open your bleary eyes to see a room that you can’t recall? If there’s something one needs after a messy one-night stand, it’s the ability to make a quicker exit than the time it took you to get there in the first place. The only thing worse than waking up next to a stranger is waking up next to a stranger who doesn’t look like an underwear model anymore. Don’t want to be caught leaving wearing a shirt, his boxers and half a sock? Want to avoid the awkward small talk and pointed silences that will follow once he knows how you look in broad daylight? If your post-midnight paramour is still sleeping, and you don’t want a round two, tip toe out of his house before you can spell regret (even backwards). Just dash out of the door (and his life) before he has a chance to make you stay back for brunch. 2. Let’s start a breakfast club? Wake up to the sound of the kettle whistling like a giant call of shame and a bed that is as empty as your life? Well, it looks like you aren’t going back home on an empty stomach! Chances are that the kindred soul outside still thinks you are the quick-witted charmer that he met at the bar last night, and if you plan to keep it the same way — you’d better rush to the bathroom and touch up your face and your manners, while he touches up your eggs Benedict. Make small talk as you bite into his almond cookies and sip at his lemon tea — that’s the least you can do as you chomp down on complimentary breakfast service. 3. Time to clean up! The morning after is no Nicholas Sparks novel. As the long, hard sunlight falls unforgivingly on your (and his) body, it’s no surprise that you aren’t the Calvin Klein model that he thought you were. You see that look on his face? It’s not shock. It’s disappointment. Feel your ears burn as their eyes give you the deprecating do over — they graze over your bulges and bruises, and stop on your love handles just for a second longer than they should. There’s only one thing to be done. Make as little eye contact as possible, word out a quick goodbye and plan a hurried exit before he has a chance to process that you don’t usually come attached with an Instagram filter. You’ll eventually wash off the disdain in a week (or 10). 4. Do I see you again? If you have to leave after what’s possibly been a night you are going to gush over group chat with friends in exactly 20 minutes, leave your number behind as you do. Give him a warm goodbye hug. Ask him to call you if he wants to see you again. He most certainly will. — Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua