The Guysexual’s Guide To Being The Perfect Gay Couple

Being single can be really difficult. Rampant sex and countless hours to yourself aside, it can be a constant reminder of how woefully lonely and unloved you are. Sure, you get to read a book on weekends, or down shots by the dozen with your latest fling at the bar, but sometimes you just want someone to share the family pack of ice-cream, and then blame the farts in bed on. Sometimes, you just want company to orgasm with. And if that still won’t bother you, it really doesn’t help when all the couples around you pull the following stunts to hammer in how utterly hopeless your love life can be. Have you recently started seeing someone? Here are a few things you should avoid doing as a couple: 1. Say patronising things like ‘You know you’ll find someone really, really soon. He’s getting here as fast as he can!’ Instead, how about going with something that’s more casual, like ‘Do you want to have another gin and tonic? It’s on me!’ 2. Only take couple selfies Did you think there was anything worse than a selfie? Think again. 3. Have a hash tag It only works if you are #Kimye, but #HowAboutYouDont? 4. Look down on dating apps Let’s have a moment of silence for the hours you’ve spent on Tinder, swiping right on every second profile till you found each other. 5. Hold hands wherever you go Including the urinal. 6. Pretend like you don’t enjoy gay bars anymore because it’s for ‘single boys who only want sex.’ While I’ll pretend like we didn’t go cruising at one just three months ago. 7. Use your secret pet names for each other in public Does anyone really need to know you call your boyfriend honeybunnybooboo? 8. Spam your newsfeed with their love With two albums and three tweets about their three month anniversary. 9. Gush about how happy you make each other (But obviously don’t.) 10. Never socialise separately Like those ‘Buy one-get-one-free’ coupons. 11. But if you do, talk only about how intense your relationship is I’m just politely nodding when you tell me how he has a snoring problem and you might need to go see a sleep therapist tomorrow. 12. Share your drink No one should ever have to share his beer with another person. Not even if it’s the last beer in the bar. 13. Do yoga together But you probably only one have one yoga mat. 14. Fight and make up in a matter of minutes Unlike the lead characters of any romantic drama on network television – the same ones you watch and cuddle over, every Monday night. 15. Look at you in the disappointing way your mother does because you are single Only you won’t get us at tea and biscuits while you are doing so. — Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua