Queer Eye For The Straight Bhai: Busting Myths About The Gay Man

I’ll tell you a secret. I am an out-and-proud gay man. But is that the secret? No. The secret is everything else that defines me (or does not, based on your perspective). I don’t watch Ru Paul’s Drag Race. I love my beer every other day. I collected Pokémon cards as a kid. I don’t like Gloria Gaynor. I occasionally play badminton, and I flip out on video games like a prepubescent teen flips out at the Forever 21 sale. For the average type-caster, I should be a gay paradox – the exception to the rule, the anomaly. I should be the pink elephant in the room. But I am not. So what about the walking, talking, culture-spewing, Adele-loving, Broadway-referencing, boy jumping and barhopping stereotypes that we are made out to be? The jazz hands and the lisp; the strut that goes with the pout? Think about it this way – every time someone assumes a gay stereotype, a baby seal is clubbed to death in Antarctica (or worse, Donald Trump earns himself an extra day of presidentship). Dead baby seals and Trump supporters aside, I might not be cultured, but I do love my bars. While I enjoy myself a Whiskey Sour (or ten), here are some other myths about gay men that you can read and reconsider as the year comes to an end: 1. If the colour ‘pink’ were a country, every gay man would want to be a citizen. Can I tell you another secret? (Side note: I am full of secrets, like other people are full of themselves.) My favourite colour is navy blue, and it’s purple when I am feeling particularly feisty. Sometimes it’s green, sometimes it’s maroon, sometimes I feel white, and once in a while, I even like the occasional dirt path brown. I like light blue when I am at the gym. Red, while at the bar. I prefer pink on a bright Sunday afternoon, while at brunch. Like any other person in this world – pink might be a favourite colour, but it would be one of many. On the other hand, do you know the kind of country gay men really want to be citizens of? The one that allows gay marriage and believes in full equality. And maybe, even world peace. 2. The concept of true love is as fictitious as the concept of gluten-free desserts. Maybe contemporary love does not understand the concept of the One, per say, even if Disney does so. Maybe there’s a Two, a Three, a Four, or even a Five. But it’s the same for everyone – it’s a millennial syndrome that pulls at heartstrings and late-night blogs on Tumblr alike, whether you are gay or straight. We love the same way everyone else does, fleetingly and sporadically till we swipe right for the next wrong person. Now about that gluten-free dessert… 3. We love the gym only second to ourselves. There’s a whole myth about how gay men spend hours preening at the gym – lifting deadweights, flexing their muscles, burning more calories per minute than a flying kingfisher (not the beer, the bird). I won’t deny that gay men are more conscious of their bodies than straight men are – it’s the bane of playing for the same team. One knows how shallow men can be and feels terrible about it – it’s like karma, only it feels great in the end – because who can say no to a glistening buffet full of six pack abs? Not me. (Please don’t judge.) But do we really love the gym only second to ourselves? Not really. There’s brunch. We all love brunch. Have you ever said no to bottomless mimosas and eggs scrambled right? Neither have we. 4. Gay men are obsessed with fashion like the world is obsessed with Internet cat memes. ‘Why are all gay men so well dressed? It should be illegal to be so attractive,’ a girlfriend once said to me. ‘We didn’t spend all the time in the closet doing nothing,’ I joked to her, blushing the right shade of salmon pink. I had to – I was wearing khakis. You would expect homosexuals to snort lines of fashion behind closed doors, but we don’t (although we do other nasty things). I’ll keep it simple – we aren’t fashion-obsessed, we are just well dressed – it’s not very difficult to know that khaki shirts go beautifully with chinos, or that one must always (read: always) match their shoes with their belts. It’s like elementary science, only it isn’t. After all, fashion might be a stereotype, the wearer isn’t. 5. Gay men are effeminate, because, why not? There are many types of gay men. Tall ones. Short ones. Fat ones. Thin ones. Hairy ones. Lean ones. Old ones. Young ones. Sporty ones. Nerdy ones. Hipster ones. It’s like a buffet of men, without any sexual connotations – and it just might turn out that some of them might be effeminate. It’s like a supermarket. You’d find carrots and lemons and turnips and cucumbers. But you’d also find squash. If I had a rupee for every time someone still assumed that all gay men were effeminate, I would be running my own empire of stylised ties and socks. Because, like I said, why not? — Illustration courtesy Amrai Dua