Conan

There are some dumb yet highly entertaining flicks out there that somehow only appeal to guys. I’m talking about brainless stuff (AKA ‘Guy Flicks’) that has tons of wanton violence, crude humor, naked chicks, and barely any form of plot holding it together.

Well, developer Nihilistic Software’s latest offering falls perfectly in that category. It’s got dollops of over-the-top violence, cheesy humor, half-naked maidens in distress, a wafer-thin plot, and is heavily inspired by God of War, one of the most awesome action games ever.

So, yeah, it’s a win-win situation all the way.

The game starts off with Conan who’s embarked on a treasure quest, but instead of amassing a fortune beyond his wildest dreams he awakens an ancient sorcerer who strips him of his armor and leaves him for dead.

But hey, this is no puny mortal; we’re talking about a 210-pound barbarian who doesn’t take too kindly to other people using his stuff. So Conan heads back into the thick of things to reclaim his lost armor, rid the world of evil, and make whoopee with all the pretty half-naked ladies like any self-respecting barbarian would.

As I mentioned earlier, the game’s heavily inspired by God of War and that aspect is reflected in nearly every facet of gameplay – be it control, combat, boss fights or platforming. Only it’s not as polished and perfect as Sony’s 800LB monster.

Conan is a hack-and-slash guy at heart, so you’ll constantly face wave after wave of enemies that can be disposed off with a plethora of weapons such as axes, swords, spears, and so on.

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Smaller weapons like swords and axes can be dual-wielded to dish out speedy attacks, but for more powerful enemies you’ll find yourself relying on the larger weapons (which can only be single-wielded). The latter are slower but a lot more devastating.

Now when I say ‘devastating’, I mean devastating since the violence in Conan is so intense (and not to mention gratifying), I’m surprised our old pal Jack Thompson hasn’t got his knickers in a twist over this game yet.

With a quick swipe of his blade Conan can not only decapitate or dismember foes, but successfully parry attacks through certain over-the-top counterattacks that involve ripping out an enemy’s intestines with his bare hands or running up to an opponent and slicing him in two… vertically.

Not satisfied yet? How about piledriving an opponent’s head into the ground, only to watch it explode in a bloody pulp, or how about kicking him and slicing him in two while he’s in mid-air? If violence is your thing, you’ll have a field day with what Conan has to offer; if this kind of stuff grosses you out, stop reading right now and head back to your copy of Nintendogs.

As you progress through the game, enemies keep getting harder and faster and you’ll have to upgrade your skills to survive these foes. Upgrading your abilities basically involves learning new moves, courtesy of red orbs that can be acquired by killing people in style, smashing treasure chests, or (my personal favorite) rescuing half-naked maidens who are strewn all over the place.

Umm, yeah, that part of the game is kinda random, but watching half-naked damsels in HD never hurt anyone, right?

Nearly every level culminates in a boss fight that’s almost as epic as those seen in God of War. Every boss fight is broken up into 3-4 parts, but don’t worry, if you die in the middle, you won’t have to start all over again; the game will resume from where you left off, eliminating any sort of backtracking.

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Anyone who’s read any of Robert E. Howard’s novels know Conan’s penchant for women and crude humor, and luckily this game’s packed with them to the brim.

Take this cocky little dialog for example: Conan’s come across this hot little warrior who asks: “Who do you serve, Barbarian?” To which he replies, “I am Conan, I serve no man.” “Would you serve a woman then,” she asks. Conan smirks a bit and replies, “Service her? Ayt!”

If that’s not cheesy enough, every half-naked maiden you rescue will rise in a most seductive manner and mouth (or rather moan) an erotic line such as “Crush me with your love…” so yeah, this game is definitely not for kids.

Visually the game is a bit disappointing and it does suffer from a couple of invisible walls, texture issues and slowdowns, but thankfully there’s nothing too serious that’ll distract you from the carnage on screen. The biggest advantage of working on nextgen consoles is that the dead bodies no longer vanish, so after a particular battle, you can just sit back and soak in the massacre you just caused.

The game packs in some mean physics, and nearly ever object can be picked up and thrown at enemies.

At the end of the day, Conan is a crude God of War clone that never takes itself seriously, nor is it afraid to admit it. The game doesn’t have a multiplayer mode or even killer replay value, but none of that can change the fact that this is the most awesome hack-and-slash on the Xbox 360 till date.

So, till God of War 3, DMC4, or Ninja Gaiden 2 come out, Conan is your man… er Barbarian for the job.