All hail Cyberpunk 2077: The best/worst worst/best game of 2020

Punks abound.


This is not a review of the game.

We wish it was.

We truly do.

But CDProjekt Red wouldn’t have it.

Theyjustwouldnotfuckinhaveit.

So, this is us waiting for the game to download the evening before the official release.

All 101.558 GBs of it.

But we had to put something out today.

Feed that forever ravenous all-ruling beast, the SEO.

Show the world we mean business.

That we belong to the pro-league.

Earn our keep.

Imagine this as a watch party, but instead of experiencing a life-changing third-eye-opening romcom, you get to sit with us as we download a masterpiece so e-p-i-c that the studio behind it won’t let people have even a glimpse of its console versions lest everyone ends up placing 10 more pre-orders and disrupting the world order.

Anyway, if nothing else, we’ll try our best to make this better than Tenet.

Which is not saying much.

But, still.

We’ll throw in a few pictures of Keanu Reeves, if that helps.

5.34 of 101.558 GB downloaded

 All hail Cyberpunk 2077: The best/worst worst/best game of 2020

No shit!

So, who came up with this brilliant idea?

Not me.

I was just sitting around watching a slick edit of that man Badlands Chugs chug the ocean.

Having a grand ol' time.

But no.

Now I got to do this.

As Charlie Croker once said, some people just want to watch the world burn.

You should also know I’m working overtime for this shit and won't be receiving any monetary compensation for it.

If you’re feeling guilty, why don't you head over to my OnlyFans account and splurge a bit?

It’ll be some of the best money you will ever spend.

21.57 of 101.558 GB downloaded

Feel a bit confused by the headline?

Or worse, misled?

Well, that about sums up how we feel about the Polish developer’s rollout process of the game, especially the million asterisks put around the reviewing process.

Who could have thunk that a game which has been delayed three times recently, while its developers went back on their words on crunch, would come to this?

Not me.

No sir.

I’ll have you know, I’m a CDPR fan.

And not just any fan, but an alpha fan.

So if you dare shade my bros, even microscopically, I’m coming for you.

On Twitter.

On YouTube.

On Facebook.

The whole package.

In the comment sections.

I will m-e-l-t you with my words, you snowflake.

I don’t know why we are even bothering to play this game.

It’s 10/10.

11/10.

101/10.

You know it.

I know it.

End of story.

34.81 of 101.558  GB downloaded

So, yeah, like I was saying, Keanu’s in this one.

Ain’t he breathtaking?

What

a

guy.

Now I feel like watching a film of his to get in the zone.

Not Matrix.

Not John Wick.

Not Bill and Ted.

Not Constantine.

Not Speed.

Not even My Own Private Idaho.

Oh, no.

I’m talking about the best of the best here.

The OG of his filmography.

The one and the only one.

Point fuckin' Break.

What

an

absolute

classic.

That film came out the year I was born and let me tell you, all I ever wanted to be when I grow up was a cosmic amalgamation of everything that was Johnny Utah and Bodhi.

Oh boy.

If I don’t lie down on the floor, with my finger pointed at the ceiling, and go BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, every time Keanu makes an appearance, I shall give up this life I have, and move to Kuwait.

47.92 of 101.558 GB downloaded

Yes.

Yes.

When asked what his favourite sandwich was (in 2014), Keanu spoke thus,

“A hot pastrami sandwich, with Russian and mustard. On rye. With a kosher dill pickle. Sliced in quarters. With some potato chips. And a Coca-Cola with crushed ice.”

Let us now investigate how to fix this up for so you can have it while you play the game and in turn have the ultimate Cyberpunk 2077 experience.

As it was intended, of course.

According to The James Beard Foundation, if you have the following ingredients, you can conquer the said sandwich:

– For Russian dressing:

1 cup mayonnaise, 1 cup sweet pickle relish, 1/4 cup ketchup, 1 1/2 tablespoons buttermilk

– For coleslaw:

1 1/4 cups mayonnaise, 1/2 cup sour cream, 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons granulated sugar, 1 tablespoon white vinegar, 2 teaspoons salt, 1 small head cabbage, shredded (about 2 pounds), 1/2 carrot, julienned, 1/2 red bell pepper, julienned

– For the sandwich:

8 slices seeded rye bread, 2 pounds pastrami, sliced, 4 tablespoons Russian dressing, 4 slices Swiss cheese, 1 cup coleslaw

So, if you have it all, go ahead. Here is the recipe.

Eat it.

Eat it.

On to the kosher dill pickles then.

According to David Lebovitz (and in turn Arthur Schwartz), you will need the following to do the deed:

Four quarts (scant 4l) water, 6 tablespoons coarse white salt (kosher, if available), 18-20 Kirby cucumbers, scrubbed, 8 cloves garlic unpeeled and lightly-crushed, 2 tablespoons pickling spice (see links below), 6 bay leaves, 1 large bunch of dill, preferably going to seed, washed

And here is the recipe.

Now, if you can’t manage potato chips and Coca-Cola (with crushed ice, and only crushed ice) without my generous help, might as well not bother with the above.

69.420 of 101.558 GB downloaded

I'm not your fucking friend
Trying to be though
Trying to feel it
Trying to be it

Ce n'est pas mon problème
Je ne suis pas ton chien
Ce n'est pas mon problème
Je ne suis pas ton chien

I’ve been following you everywhere
Some people like to show
Some people like to watch
I watch a bit too much
You show too much

Ce n'est pas mon problème
Je ne suis pas ton chien
Ce n'est pas mon problème
Je ne suis pas ton chien

77.77 of 101.558 GB downloaded

Certainly, not your dad's songs anymore.

Certainly not your dad's songs anymore.

Hot damn, have I got some fast internet!

Or maybe it’s just Mr Dury’s angelic voice carrying me through these hard times.

92.29 of 101.558 GB downloaded

Here we are then, the last leg of our perilous voyage.

I can almost see the island.

The blood-sucking bugs that await me on these uncharted shores.

And how convenient? We just crossed the 1,000-word mark.

Looks like my job is done here.

That is, for now.

Because we shall see each other soon.

Hopefully, with tales from the game itself.

And not from the Twitter account of Fabian Mario Döhla.

Later.


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