Ten excuses even Dhoni should not think about

The disaster that was the first day at Perth will immediately result in the Indian team getting busy. No, they will not be going go-karting, where incidentally Sachin Tendulkar had the fastest lap or hitting the gym or even having a strategy meeting with the coaches. They will be on the lookout for excuses – the kind that will somehow allow them to wiggle out of this mess. If England was an aberration, Australia is a tragedy of unprecedented proportions and for this skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni will need to get truly creative. He will have to look beyond the ‘processes’, ‘putting things in perspective’ and other excuses that Greg Chappell left behind. But then, there are some lines that even Dhoni should not cross. We have a look at ten excuses, in no particular order, that Dhoni should not even think about… A little too tight [caption id=“attachment_181557” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“Dhoni will have to look beyond the ‘processes’, ‘putting things in perspective’ and other excuses that Greg Chappell left behind. Getty Images”] [/caption] The Sri Lankan cricketers blamed their defeat against Pakistan in the 2001 ICC Champions Trophy final on their unbearably tight clothes, which they claimed were too small and restricted movement and mobility. “We had to add extensions to the trousers and the shirts looked more like tight-fitting women’s blouses,” complained skipper Sanath Jayasuriya. Their tailor was later instructed to make kits one size larger. It’s all about… Lighton Ndefwayl, a Zambian tennis player, responded to his 1992 defeat in a local tournament by compatriot Musumba Bwayla with this: ‘Bwayla is a stupid man and a hopeless player. He has a huge nose and is cross-eyed. Girls hate him. He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because when he serves he farts, and that made me lose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia.’ We are speechless. Blame my mom? Shane Warne, the Australian leg spinner, who is now slimmer than he was in his playing days, took no prisoners when he tested positive for a banned substance in 2003 just before the World Cup. He blamed his mum. ‘My mother gave me a diet tablet,’ he said. ‘I’m shocked and absolutely devastated.’ Warne claimed he took the Moduretic pill, a diuretic, to make him look less fat on TV. Winning at least one competition After a terrible Athens Olympics, Finnish daily newspaper Aamulehti concluded: ‘We dominated one event: finding excuses.’ Javelin thrower Paula Huhtaniemi led the pack. ‘The big stadium surprised me,’ she said. ‘I could not direct the javelin right.’ This is the Olympics that we are talking about… right? Meanwhile, women’s 5,000m runner Kirsi Valasti blamed her performance on an unfamiliar masseuse. The hand of God… India could probably use some help on the field. But perhaps, this would be asking for too much. Diego Maradona was a genius but what is he best known for in England is his blatant hand ball in the 1986 World Cup. In true genius style, Maradona said it wasn’t him that committed the offence, but it was the hand of God. Can Dhoni beat that? More balls please… India’s pampered geniuses could learn a thing or two from Mourinho but not this. Following Real Madrid’s 3-2 (5-4 on aggregate) defeat to Barcelona at the Nou Camp in August 2011, Mourinho had this to say: ‘What I’m about to say is not a criticism, I’m just stating a fact. There were no ball-boys in the second half, which is something typical of small teams when experiencing difficulties.’ It’s all about the cat This excuse will at least ensure that the animal lovers will back Team India. England spinner, the outspoken Graeme Swann was stopped near his home in West Bridgford shortly after 3 am on 2 April as he drove a white Porsche Cayenne towards a local supermarket, having arrived home to find his cat trapped under the floorboards. The arresting officer, PC Steven Denniss, told the court that he stopped Swann because he was driving a high-performance car in an area hit by a spate of burglaries. It’s didn’t help that he was drunk. Gee. The fingers hurt… Dropped catches by errant fielders can always fall back on this. Former England goalkeeper David James is a reliable keeper but after conceding three times against Newcastle in 1997, he said this: ‘I was getting carried away playing Tekken II and Tomb Raider for hours on end.’ Too much Playstation that will be a new one even for Dhoni. Everywhere you go, blame the weather Too cold, too hot, too much humidity… we’ve heard them all before. But England’s excuse when they lost four wickets for two runs when playing South Africa in 1999 was farcical. The three lions ended with their lowest ever Test score in Johannesburg, but instead of crediting their opponents they instead blamed the clouds. They were too low apparently. Croak, croak When Ukraine were hammered 4-0 by Spain in their opening game of the 2006 World Cup, even they were stumped. Spain was easy meat but then what happened. They finally found the reason: The noise of the frogs outside the team’s hotel in Potsdam. “Because of the frogs’ croaking we hardly got a wink of sleep,” defender Vladislav Vashchuk reasoned.