Revealed(!) Virat Kohli's dislike for Anil Kumble's headphones, Jumbo's parting tip for Rohit Sharma

If Anil Kumble ever spoke with the Indian team after resigning as India's coach this is how it may pan out

James Marsh June 21, 2017 13:52:35 IST
Revealed(!) Virat Kohli's dislike for Anil Kumble's headphones, Jumbo's parting tip for Rohit Sharma

BCCI headquarters, Mumbai. The Indian team and management sit round in a circle.

Kumble: “Good morning, team. Er, ex-team. Now, as you know, I've decided - mainly because Virat has said he dislikes my choice of headphones - to stand down as coach.

Kohli: “They're just not the right style, Jumbo.”

Revealed Virat Kohlis dislike for Anil Kumbles headphones Jumbos parting tip for Rohit Sharma

Former Indian coach Anil Kumble with captain Virat Kohli in the nets during recently concluded Champions Trophy. AP

Kumble: “Well whatever, Virat. I like them and the bass boost is very good, but anyway, the BCCI have continued to show complete faith in me by asking that I write a report about Sunday’s final entitled, “Why it was all my fault, by Anil Kumble”. So, has anyone got any ideas where we went wrong? Yes, MS?”

Dhoni: “Well, I noticed that Pakistan had three former international captains in their side, giving them vital leadership experience. But I only had Virat.”

Kumble: “Um, You mean Virat only had you, MS. Virat is the current ODI captain.”

Dhoni: “Yes, of course. Ha ha. Sorry. My bad. I get confused sometimes.”

Kumble: “That’s ok. It’s a common mistake.”

A phone rings

Kumble: “Sorry, I've just got to take this.….Yes, hello….you fully support my decision to resign…..and can I write you a reference….No, I certainly can’t…”

Ashwin: “Who was that, Jumbo?”

Kumble: “Oh, just Viru.”

Ashwin: “Nice of him to call.”

Kumble: “Yes, incredibly. Now, Virat, what went wrong with you? I’ve only lost one job but you were dismissed twice in a minute on Sunday.”

Kohli: “Sorry, Jumbo.”

Kumble: “I mean. You batted like a god in earlier rounds but failed in the final. What happened?”

Kohli: “Well, people keep expecting me to emulate Sachin so that’s what I did.”

Kumble: “Ok, fair enough.”

A squabbling sound comes from the back of the room.

Kumble: “Hardik! Jaddu! What’s all this fighting? What on earth are you doing!?”

Jadeja: “Sorry, Jumbo. There's not enough seats for us all to sit down.”

Kumble: “Well, who's responsible for this mix-up?”

Pandya: “He is.”

Jadeja: “He is.”

Kumble: “Give me strength. Ok. Hardik, you stand up. You'll have plenty of time to sit down in the future. Now, let's move on to the specialist bowlers. Bhuvi, you were excellent. But Jasprit, what happened? Why couldn't you have been more like Amir?”

Bumrah: “But I was, Jumbo.”

Kumble: “How so?”

Bumrah: “I bowled a big no ball with disastrous consequences.”

Kumble: “Yes, I see what you mean. Well, never mind. You did your best.”

A knock on the door.

Kumble: “Oh, who’s this now? Rohit, for goodness sake, you’re later than your shot on Sunday.”

Rohit: “Terribly sorry. I slipped over at home and hurt my leg.”

Kumble: “Slipped over. What are you talking about?”

Rohit: “The floor in my bathroom was wet.”

Kumble: “Don't blame the surface, Rohit. We're not English.”

Rohit: “Sorry, Jumbo.”

Kumble: “So, any other ideas I can recommend to the BCCI how moving forward you can all try and copy Pakistan’s success?”

Dhawan: “Well, they were a bit useless in ODIs before the Champions Trophy so they had an element of surprise.”

Kumble: “Good, Shikhar. Now we’re getting somewhere. I will suggest to my successor he attempts to lose as many matches as possible in between big tournaments. Especially if it’s Viru. Excellent. Any other strategies we can steal from Pakistan? Yes, Yuvi?”

Yuvraj: “We could all try and get banned from the IPL.”

Kumble: “Hm, interesting. Yes, any former Super Kings or Rajasthan Royals players here, please set up a taskforce to look into that immediately. Right, so thank you all for coming. A lot of good material for my report there.”

MS: “And what are you going to do now, Jumbo?”

Kumble: “Well, the BCCI have arranged for me to see an employment counsellor. They say he’s a specialist in dealing with my sort of situation.”

MS: “Oh, what’s he called?”

Kumble: “Not sure. Some Australian bloke. Greg something. Anyway, take care, guys.”

Virat: “So long, Jumbo. Dada says hi.”

PS: These conversations may not have taken place...at all

Updated Date:

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