Premier League wrap: Where Jose Mourinho shushes, Jurgen Klopp lies and Antonio Conte calls 'b******t' 

The tide turns pretty quickly in the Premier League. Journalists and commentators were pillorying Jose Mourinho a week ago and now he’s shushing them up. In easily the biggest game of the week and one of the more important games of the season, Manchester United ‘Mourinho’d’ Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford. The game was a Mourinho signature, as sure and sharp as one you’d spot on a bank cheque. United scored just the minimum amount of goals a Mourinho team needs to win: one. [caption id=“attachment_4186019” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho appears to shush a Sky Sports camera during Manchester United vs Tottenham Hotspur at Old Trafford. Getty[/caption] The game was as tight as spandex, United as surgical as a scalpel. Yes, Spurs were missing Harry Kane *insert John Cena entrance music here* but they are a pretty decent team even without their lord and saviour. Their defence is probably the best in the Premier League. Jan Vertonghen slide tackles his way into Starbucks queues and Toby Alderweireld knocks doors with his head. And they were excellent again. It’s just that United sneaked in one time, scored, and ran off with three points. They weren’t as negative as they were against Liverpool and did manage to create a few chances, but mostly it was an exercise in wearing Spurs down. It was like a slow erosion over time that you can’t even notice. The game wasn’t a spectacle; watching it felt like a voyeuristic peek into the process of an efficient killer instead. Disturbing, yet fascinating. And at the final whistle, Mourinho looked at the cameras and put a finger on his lips. What a dramatic guy. But then, it’s a dramatic league. Spurs started out with Son Heung-min and Dele Alli in front, but soon learnt that Son is pretty good when playing off someone’s shoulder and not so much when he is the shoulder. They need Kane *insert John Cena entrance music* and they need him before things derail quickly. Spurs are now eight points behind Manchester City, three behind United and the others are catching up fast. City aren’t in the mood to slow down either. They were up against a team that are a complete antithesis to them: Tony Pulis’ West Brom. Pep Guardiola loves football; Pulis hates it. But West Brom are misers when it comes to conceding goals. So it could have been tricky and it was. Though City were never really in trouble, West Brom managed to score twice past them in a 3-2 loss. Guardiola won’t lose sleep over it but he would definitely be looking at his defence with a bit more scrutiny. He isn’t Jurgen Klopp, after all. Speaking of Klopp, Liverpool won 3-0 in a Krautrock concerto against Huddersfield where Klopp and his best friend David Wagner reunited and headbanged to Rammstein together after the game. Klopp also was outed as a terrible liar when he attributed Dejan Lovren’s absence to an injury. Yeah, right. He’s injured. Of course. But we can forgive Klopp. He did enough psychological damage  to Lovren last week against Spurs. Also, Mohamed Salah, who scored a last minute penalty to take Egypt to the World Cup, missed from the spot. Football is funny that way. Elsewhere, high-flying Watford were halted by none other than Stoke City and Arsenal came from behind to win 2-1 against Swansea, courtesy a decisive display from Sead Kolasinac. The Bosnian fullback, who looks like he wouldn’t be out of place in a Tekken game,  scored the equaliser and set up the winner to keep Arsenal close on the heels of the top four. The Gunners stand fifth, behind Chelsea on goal difference. They would’ve displaced Chelsea from the fourth had the Blues not managed to edge past a struggling Bournemouth. Chelsea have a propensity of becoming extra vulnerable against floundering teams. Exhibit A: The Crystal Palace loss. But Eden Hazard delivered the goods in a 1-0 win. Chelsea dominated possession and created many chances but could only find the net once; a slightly troubling sight, but Antonio Conte would take the three points. People got to see his fiery side when he dismissed talks about unrest at Chelsea and rumours about a looming Carlo Ancelotti as ‘b******t’ and with performances on the field picking up, Chelsea seemed to have shrugged off the Palace debacle. And the Spurs loss means they close in on third spot behind the two Manchester teams. Saturday also saw Palace take on West Ham in the misery derby. Both teams have been struggling this season and it seemed like Palace were on their way to the ninth loss of the season. But Wilfried Zaha turned saviour again when he netted in an injury time equaliser. The image of an ecstatic Roy Hodgson raising his arms in celebration as a dejected Slaven Bilic falls to his knees with his face in his hands went viral, encapsulating the joy and misery football can bring in one frame. Someone has to cry when Hodgson smiles. It was a muted Sunday followed by a low key Monday night fixture this Gameweek. Brighton and Hove Albion pulled off another amazing result when they held Southampton to a 1-1 draw, thus maintaining their mid-table charge. It has been a good season till now for newly-promoted sides. Newcastle United sit at ninth, Brighton at 12th and Huddersfield at 13th. It has not been a good season, however, for Everton. They slumped to a 2-0 defeat against Leicester City barely a week after they fired Ronald Koeman as manager. Caretaker manager David Unsworth hardly looked like he lifted the team’s morale; Everton were woeful. They were no match for Leicester’s foxy pace as Demerai Gray ran havoc in the midfield. On the other hand, new Leicester manager Claude Puel seemed to have an instant impact with a winning start. But it would be wise to reserve judgements. They were playing Everton, after all. Writing about the Premier League sometimes also means that you have to stay up late on a Monday night to watch Burnley beat Newcastle; it is painful, especially if you have a soft corner for the latter. Burnley manager Sean Dyche, who is now being courted by Everton, marked his five years in charge of Burnley with a win that was hardly deserved. In a match that was as exciting as doing your laundry, Newcastle took a cautious approach on the road and ended up paying for it. But let’s forget about the laundry because it’s Champions League week! English clubs have been flying in Europe this season, just as steadily as England seems to be flying away from the European Union. Big questions this week: can Chelsea conquer Rome? Can Spurs be bad hosts to Real Madrid (who, by the way, lost to Girona in La Liga this week)? Can Brendan Rodgers produce a tactical masterclass against Bayern Munich? Why the heck not?