Who would make England's best Test team? Not these guys

As the English cricket team settle in for a night of frivolity, celebrating the retention of the Wisden trophy after losing the third Test against the West Indies, I thought it prudent to take a more detailed look under the kimono of the England Cricket Board's slogans and metaphors iterating self worth.

Although the ECB has used its hype machine to good effect, the trained eye can catch glimpses of a ‘mediocre’ cricket team parading itself off as world class.

My special microscope that only sees reality has been put to good use and has concluded the following to be true:

Cook – Less a captain and more a bloke with a title that he doesn’t know what to do with. Kinda like Prince Charles in a way. Made a hundred against the team ranked 8th in the world. It took him 704 days to achieve it. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

 Who would make Englands best Test team? Not these guys

None of these guys would be in England's best team. Reuters

Trott – Plays the short ball like Kim Jong-un plays human rights. His first name isn’t even Jonathan. It is Ian. The fact he has rejected the use of Ian is just weird. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Ballance – Averages 67 in Test cricket. That’s because he is not English. Only averages 12.50 against Australia. Could be a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Bell – Heads into a tour against Southee and Boult with scores of 11,1,0,0. Is wasting Kevin Pietersen’s spot. Could be a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Root – Cuter than a royal baby. Puts up massive numbers, except when playing New Zealand or Australia where he averages 36 and 33 respectively. Probably a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England’s best team.

Moeen – Almost as overrated as James Anderson. A part time spinner who sometimes bowls behind part-part time spinner Joe Root. A one trick pony with the bat. No tricks when the ball is pitched short. Essentially England's version of Shane Lee. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Buttler – Is able to move behind the stumps, which makes him slightly more useful than Matt Prior. Loves a slog, but in a Shahid Afridi sort of ineffectual way. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Possibly not in England's best team.

Stokes – Was once labeled by the English press as the next Ian Botham. Yet to tweet a picture of his penis or admit to taking drugs. Has red hair. Will punch a locker but not a guy saluting him as he leaves the field. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Jordan – Once took a great slips catch. Problem is he has been selected to bowl. Helps England meet their racial quotas of non-English born players. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Broad – His father is a better opening option than Trott. Well down on his usual high standards in the pest rankings. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Anderson – Player of the series. Helped bowl England to a loss in the third Test, meaning that his team retained the Wisden trophy with a 1-1 draw. Took his usual one single five-for per series. Broke a bowling record held by a batting all rounder. Still many wickets behind Harbhajan Singh. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Will likely cry at some point. Not in England’s best team.

Moores – Only slightly more inspiring than than a bag of mouldy potatoes. However, for an old man, he still looks impressive in a tracksuit. That has to count for something, but unfortunately, not enough something. He should consider changing his name to Gillespie in an effort to save his job. Will be a liability come the Ashes. Not in England’s best team.

Updated Date: May 04, 2015 13:08:59 IST