India vs England: Zaheer’s Candy Store™, Kohli Flowers™ and other possible Anglo-Indian trade deals

If reports be believed, British prime minister Theresa May’s trade trip to India last week received a reception on the polar side of lukewarm. Even worse – with Ravichandran Ashwin and Ravindra Jadeja struggling in the first Test at Rajkot – far from cuddling up to their hosts, England actually seem determined to ruin one formerly reliable Indian partnership. Yet, as with many things, cricket may be turned to in order to find a solution. So, as everyone grapples with the post-Brexit, pre-Donald Trump world, here are a few Anglo-Indian business ideas based on the great game to get the two nations prospering together.

BCCI Drops™

India vs England: Zaheer’s Candy Store™, Kohli Flowers™ and other possible Anglo-Indian trade deals

PM Narendra Modi with UK counterpart Theresa May in New Delhi. PTI

With many Brits crying over one or both of the EU referendum and US presidential results, there's a danger many may not be able to see the angelic cover drives of teen batting hot shot Haseeb Hameed. Help is on hand, however, with the Indian board’s new range of optical health products. Based on Virat Kohli and Co's fielding in Rajkot, BCCI Drops will soon restore perfect vision to even the most emotionally wounded pupils. Also available: Rose-tinted spectacles modelled on Laxman Sivaramakrishnan’s commentary.

Bell and Zaheer’s Candy Store™  

Located in Nottingham, the success of this jelly bean-based small business has been built on its innovative delivery method whereby sweets are thrown at unsuspecting customers without warning. The recipients only become aware they’ve bought the candies when they turn round to see a group of grown men sniggering like school boys behind them. Though the company bears Bell’s name, his partner Zaheer Khan harbours a deep suspicion that Alastair Cook and Matt Prior may also secretly be heavily involved.

SunnyG lights™  

Diwali has recently been celebrated, but India’s British cousins across the globe are just gearing up to celebrate Christmas. So what better way for them to add colour to their festive tree than with these delightful Gavaskar-based fairy lights? Value-for-money due to their low-energy performance, they nevertheless flicker intermittently from time to time. Warning: Buyers should make sure no one nearby criticises the BCCI or the SunnyG lights will immediately switch off. Also available: Shas-Tree lights, although discerning customers may find these a little too loud.

Amul Batters™

Basically Amul butter, but moulded into the shape of England batsmen, these novelty foodstuffs are a must for dairy fans who enjoy seeing Alastair Cook, Joe Root, Moeen Ali and Co churn out the runs. Also perfect for Indian supporters who were left disappointed when the England top order didn't just melt away during the first innings in Rajkot.

Pushgate Dispute Resolution Services™

The world seems a volatile place at present. A man with the international diplomacy skills of Darrell Hair will soon have his finger on the nuclear button, a fact making people feel increasingly angsty. In this heated climate, arguments are bound to break out among friends, family and even couples. There is an answer, however. If you become embroiled in a bitter row why not try Pushgate Dispute Resolution Services, a company set up by Ravi Jadeja and James Anderson in 2014. For a small fee, they’ll tell you the story of how a trivial bout of handbags once resulted in them both being hauled before an ICC kangaroo court and given a thorough dressing down. In next to no time clients will be so busy sighing at administrative heavy-handedness you’ll forget why you were arguing in the first place.

Kohli Flowers™

If Pushgate’s services don't help you resolve your quarrel, you can always get a bouquet of something lovely from this newly established florist. With branches in Delhi and London, it provides a beautiful range of flowers to cater for all occasions, though it's possible some varieties may not fully bloom in English conditions. Trees are also available for clients with larger gardens but, when eventually felled for firewood, customers should be particularly careful not to tread on the stumps.

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Updated Date: Nov 14, 2016 08:54:56 IST

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