Jai Hind - we can beat those wankers!
Editor's note: This is a republished version of a Firstpost article that first appeared in 2011. An oldie but still a goodie
Following India’s big wins in the Commonwealth Games and the World Cup, it’s time for us to show we can excel in another really important worldwide sport.
London has a tournament. San Francisco does, too. Even Denmark— a blonde little country not even the size of Himachal Pradesh— is a record-holder.
Dare we, India shining, superpower India, India rising, be left out?
No. It is time for a true tournament of champions. A Masturbate-A-Thon.
As a practiced onanist myself, I believe this event could bring great benefit to Bharat, as well as pay homage to the longstanding erotic traditions of our ancestors.
At least once a week I have noticed a newspaper or magazine advice column answer a question from a youngster who’s worried that he or she wanks too much. The mostly male doctors who serve as so-called sexperts give terrible advice. Contrary to these old husbands’ tales, masturbation might be the single best thing you could do for your health RIGHT NOW.
As an athletic contest, an onanist competes against his or her own personal best. It is a true everyman/everywoman sport, accessible to anyone of any caste or religion or class, requiring no special equipment or playing field. Regular practice not only gives the athlete a healthy glow, but also extends one’s lifetime by several years, according to esteemed medical professionals.
And in this game, women are clearly the ones who have the right stuff. Check out the current world records:
Most orgasms, male, 83. San Francisco.
Most orgasms, female: 222. Denmark.
Ahem. Not even close, sorry bhaisaab. You just relax at home with your bat and balls, and let the ladies bowl this match.
Or perhaps you would like another statistic?
Ejaculation distance, world record, male: 2.50 metres.
Ejaculation distance, world record, female: 3.15 metres.
What? You did not know women could ejaculate?
Live and learn, beta.
So, aunties and bhabhis and bais — are you ready? Cannot India do better than these firangis? Are you ready to be part of a winning cadre of world-class female competitors?
Yes? Then it’s time for what our government does best: a five-point programme. We must immediately:
1. Send fact-finding missions to each current winning country. This year’s Masturbate-A-Thon is set for May 21, so there is no time to lose. I myself will spearhead the delegation and choose the first round of sahelis. Being an efficient and dedicated public servant, I have already instructed my travel agent to reserve bookings for the key dates since first-class air tickets and five-star hotels surely sell out. All that remains is for the Parliament to allocate emergency funding ASAP.
2. Launch IPLM (Indian Premier League of Masturbation) to establish protocols, rules, training regimes, coaching, etc.
To the amateur, masturbation may seem an obvious matter, but that is like saying that just because you can race along the platform to catch the 6:52 p.m. Mumbai Local to Borivali each evening, you can win a marathon. Not so, my dear. The world record holders in wanking must prepare rigorously to engage in continuous sessions (with short breaks for food and drink) of self-pleasure for up to 10 hours. Judges must be able to detect real vs faked orgasms. Support teams must be trained to encourage and stimulate the competitor. Rules must be established to ensure no cheating, steroid use, etc. Officials must be bribed and bookies must be booked and stadiums must be suitably outfitted, and so on.
Luckily the leftover Delhi stadium, where they played something or the other during the Commonwealth Games, is a suitable size for this event, though more comfortable seats should be installed. As in other cities the precaution of creating separate ladies’, men's, and mixed/couples areas will be followed. Authorised hawkers may sell lubricant and other necessities for those amateur fans who want to join along. For a modest fee I will be happy to reserve you one of the private boxes, which I am told conveniently feature one-way glass and comfortable leatherette couchettes.
3. Begin nationwide talent search and publicity campaign.
From Kutch to Kolkata, from Kashmir to Kanyakumari, millions of Indian women have an untapped talent that they should be contributing to their nation’s glory. Whether repressed by backward family or cultural ideas, or simply naïve of their own talent, we must reach these ladies. I propose a late-night reality television show that will seek out, screen, and test the talent nationwide so that we can choose the best team possible to represent India.
To popularise the programme, we must have yoni spokesmodels. What are Rekha and Helen doing with their time these days? Or perhaps the ever-cause-ready Shabana Azmi? All Miss India contestants should be asked to share their tips on this important public matter.
We should also have a Bollywood song to properly spread the world. I am sure a professional — A.R. Rahman, are you listening?—can do a much better job, but just to get everyone’s creative juices flowing, how about this:
Tere yoni ki saath
Prem kijiye tere jaat
Sabbe din aur sabbe raat ...
4. Link up with IITs and medical profession for targeted performance research.
Despite India’s wealth of scientific and medical talent, other countries are way ahead in terms of research. For instance, in the United States, Oprah’s favourite medico cites research showing that 200 orgasms a year can prolong your lifespan by 6 to 7 years.
At that rate, I calculate that I should live to be … 179? How do they do this research? Can I sign up as a test subject?
Er, sorry. Where were we?
Ah yes. I’m sure the prominent health experts of our country are spanking the monkey regularly. They should speak up, share the wisdom with their patients, and conduct studies to improve everyone’s technique and health.
5. Legalise professional accessories in India.
Although massive lingams decorate the landscape, their smaller battery-operated counterparts -- made of plastic or silicone—are illegal in India. This absurd and outdated legislation is severely compromising our ability to compete globally. Already China is one of the world’s biggest producers of vibrators and dildos, which flood the black market in India’s metros. And most tragically, desperate desi athletes are forced to break the law to pursue their passion.
Vibrators, dildos, and the like should be legalised; instructional videos and courses should be provided for their use; and industrialists should be encouraged to produce swadeshi sex toys.
I would be one of the first in line to buy, say, a Tata Nano vibe.
And finally, we just need a little team spirit!! Come on, women/ladies/sluts. This should be easier to organise than a veg/non-veg potluck.
M. Svairini writes naughty stories online and is a co-founder of Shameless Yonis, the web’s only explicit site created by South Asian women. You can follow her slavishly on Twitter at @msvairini .
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