Snow White and 7 Dwarves of Budget 2013: Meet the stars

Most of us thought we were watching P Chidambaram unveil the big budget. But unbeknownst to us, it was actually a casting call for a desi edition of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. While the role of Sneezy still remains uncast, here are our picks for the other iconic parts. Sleepy – Clearly this was a coveted role in the Dwarf pantheon. There were so many takers across the political spectrum. Rahul Gandhi seemed sleepy though Congress loyalists would call it “meditative.” Laloo Prasad Yadav looked ready to settle down for a siesta. Method actor Rail minister Pawan Kumar Bansal was so keen to bag the role, he put  his head down on the table. Seated as he was right behind Chidu’s left ear, that was hard to miss. However the clear winner is our beloved PM. Manmohan Singh-ji appeared to quickly head into Dreamland though he occasionally made notes and  stabbed himself with a pencil as if to remind himself that he was still the PM. Admittedly there are only shades of difference between Manmohan Singh awake and Manmohan Singh asleep. However we feel that given his career-long experience in this role, he truly deserves this honour. [caption id=“attachment_644880” align=“alignleft” width=“380”] P Chidambaram and Manmohan Singh during the budget. Screenshots from PTI[/caption] Happy – There was only one person Happy during this budget. And that was P Chidambaram himself. Delighted to have wrested Fin Min back from the hands of Pranab-babu, he was  hell-bent on passing the cheer around. “Hon’ble Members will be happy to know that plan expenditure in 2013-14 will be 29.4 more than the revised estimate of the current year,” he warbled. “Hon’ble Members will be happy to know that thousands of scholarships will be given to students belonging to Scheduled Castes, Scheduled Tribes, Other Backward Castes and Minorities, and girl children in 2013-14,” he chortled. There were so many other reasons for him to be “happy” — Infrastructure Debt Funds, the Lakhipur-Bhanga waterway, food subsidy, allocations for atomic energy. His cup ranneth over. And when he was not personally happy, he was basking in the “happiness on the faces of pregnant women” and the “smiles on the faces of dalit girls and tribal boys.” Doc – This was the surprise casting. One would have thought MMS had this role sewn up but never put it past a Bollywood veteran to knock the politician off his perch. Shatrughan Sinha, back from surgery, leaner and fitter, was all vigorous attention during the budget speech as if he was just WAITING to hear what Chidu had in mind for providing parity in taxation between the IDF-Mutual Fund that distributes income and an IDF-NBFC that pays interest when the payment is made to a non-resident. Afterwards he even had succinct comments on the budget – he called it a “lollipop” budget. Full marks for playing a politician on TV. Raj Babbar tried but Shotgun was clearly the winner. Grumpy – Maneka Gandhi made a spirited attempt for this role. The cameras showed her looking distinctly annoyed. But for sustained grumpiness, Sushma Swaraj was hard to beat. She did crack a smile when Chidu announced that women’s bank and even thumped her desk when he invited all honourable members to its inauguration. But otherwise, Sushma-ji looked determined to be grumpy. “It’s a dull and unimaginative budget,” she grumbled later. “It has nothing for women, youth and poor people.” Precisely the three categories Chidu singled out as the face of the nation. Perhaps she was hoping he’d name the bank after her. But cheer up, Sushma-ji. It could be worse. At least you don’t smoke cheroots or sail in yachts. Bashful – Undoubtedly Meira Kumar. The Speaker presided over the session like a splash of eau-de-cologne, perfectly coiffed and coutured, that hint of a half-smile painted on her face. None can match her bashful poise in telling her rough and tumble colleagues to settle down and keep the peace. Members were less obstreperous than usual during the budget, so Meira Kumar didn’t have to recite her patent  baith-jaaiye shanti-mantra too much. We think there should be a separate Meira Kumar television channel that can be played 24-7 in riot-stricken areas to numb all sides into a state of glazed torpor. But until that happens, let us all enjoy her as Bashful. [caption id=“attachment_644878” align=“alignright” width=“380”] Sonia Gandhi and Meira Kumar during the budget. Screenshot via PTI[/caption] Dopey – Who would have thought that Sonia Gandhi herself could be such an excellent Dopey? The Sphinx seemed to spend much of the Budget blinking rapidly. After the rail budget, Yashwant Sinha said “It has become a budget which pleases only one person in the house: Ms Sonia Gandhi.” This budget had as Shotgun would call them “lollipops” for her as well – set asides for food security, women, youth.  But Sonia looked largely lost during the budget. Or perhaps her mind was on other things – like where is Rahul and what is he doing? Snow White – At the start of this casting process, we thought Sonia Gandhi was the front-runner for Snow White. But it became clear as the casting call went along that only the Little Prince could play our favourite fairy tale princess. While his party keeps dancing attendance on him like the seven dwarves with Snow White, Rahul Gandhi seems more preoccupied with other pressing issues – for example the length of his stubble. He flashed on our screens chewing gum (an old schoolboy trick to stay awake) and then the cameras were resolutely kept off him. But Rahul-watchers tell us that he came five minutes late, passed notes to the junior railways minister, fidgeted, stretched, unwrapped a fresh pack of gum and then 50 minutes into the speech took off for places unknown. However that women’s bank announcement caught him right as he was trying to make his exit. So he thumped the nearest bench to do his bit before ducking out for a little while. Faking News tweeted “Union budget delayed. Rahul Gandhi made paper boat of the only copy.”  Snow White had her poisoned apple. Rahul has his stick of gum. Both seem to have bitten off more than they want to chew. Stay tuned. Snow White and the Seven Dwarves — a big budget adventure is coming soon to a theatre near you.