Salman and Karan's sex talk: Why Bollywood's naughty banter isn't liberating

“Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things, and the bad things that may be…” So went that old Salt-n-Pepa anthem urging us to “tell it how it is, and how it could be. How it was, and of course, how it should be.” Shefali Bajpai, writing in the Indian Express, argues that Indians are increasingly ready to do just that. And this new-found candour is very refreshing and welcome" in a sexually repressed society such as ours. As evidence, she offers a naughty repartee during the Star Guild awards between Karan Johar and Salman Khan, laced with gay innuendo. There’s Koffee with Karan, where “five minutes do not pass without a reference to sex, to parts of the anatomy involved in acts of sex or to all kinds of sex.” Sexy commercials like Fast track and Old Spice constitute proof, as does Vikram Seth’s open declaration of his sexuality. [caption id=“attachment_1376913” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Salman Khan and Karan Johar at Star Guild Awards 2014. A screengrab from youtube.[/caption] Now one of these things is not like the others. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure which is the odd one out, which among these actually constitutes “telling it how it is” — as opposed to relying on typical sexual humor in place of real honesty. Bajpai’s easy celebration of all this sex talk, however, overlooks certain key issues: one, the difference between speaking about sex as opposed to joking about it; two, the way in which sex is used to sell, as opposed to liberate; three, the elitism of this sexual content. Any discussion of sexual candour must necessarily start with an acknowledgement that humor is the easiest and safest way to talk about sex. A Johar one-liner about going “backstage” may seem refreshing, but it represents, in fact, Johar’s unwillingness to declare preferences, his need for the safer innuendo to signal his sexuality. Now K Jo is entirely entitled to speak about his personal life as he chooses. But that doesn’t change the fact that joking about sex is often the best way to avoid actually talking about it. The back-and-forth between Salman Khan and Karan Johar was indeed welcome in that it broke from typically homophobic gay jokes, usually employed as a slur to ‘feminise’ straight men. When Khan blithely asks, “Why are you breathless looking at me? I am happy but…," there is no trace of judgement or tee-hee embarrassment. That said, let’s not however conflate mildly risqué gay references with Vikram Seth’s appearance on national television in the wake of the 377 ruling. One requires genuine courage and entails real risks, the other does not. The other problem with the kind of sex talk that seems rampant in popular culture is that it is used primarily to sell something — a talk show, suitcase, after-shave. The idea is to titillate the audience, and also flatter them by sharing what is framed as an inside joke among PLUs. We cosmopolitan, oh-so-liberated Indians know what sex is all about, be it threesomes or one-night stands or lesbian encounters. And we can have a good laugh about it, unlike the clueless (and priggish) aam janta. As a friend points out, in Kal Ho Na Ho’s famous Kanta Ben scene, it is the naive and squeamish maid who is not in on the joke. When she faints in horror, we urbane Indians are laughing at her and not the upmarket metrosexual heroes. From Cosmopolitan’s glossy pages to hip condom ads to Bollywood actors sparring about their sex lives, we are told over and again that sexual liberation is aspirational. A status marker for the upwardly mobile. This is why so much of sex-related content in the media, be it in ads or accompanying stock photos, is framed in upmarket terms. Sex as depicted in the media takes place in on boardroom tables, upscale bedrooms, cool college dorms, and remote pristine beaches.  The sex lives of the vast majority of Indians — say the maid or vegetable vendor — is too chee-chee for us to even mention, leave alone acknowledge. In the gaping absence of a real conversation about real people, all this wink-wink, nudge-nudge banter will always be just another way not to talk about sex. And as long as we avoid telling how it is, we will never, ever discover how it could or should be.