Primetime exposed: Undercover at the Porngate Exclusive

By Tenali Raman In the hallowed chambers of St Doornob Ghostwarning, there is no time to waste when JudgmentHour is at hand. As Inquisitor-in-Chief at the primetime court of JusticeNow, St Doornob, Scourge of Evil, Dispenser of Justice, Devil’s Advocate, and God’s Own Prosecutor-at-Large, believes in instant justice. Firstpost’s Sting Operator Vikatakavi, whose real name will be kept under wraps to avoid blowing his cover, spent a couple of hours with St Doornob, secretly wired to tape every word of wisdom uttered by His Eminence. He kept his eyes wide open to study every move of St Doornob, and his body language till a carelessly uttered piece of advice gave the game away and he had to run for his life. But he gleaned enough of St Doornob’s secrets to bring us this exclusive. Says Vikatakavi, who studied St Doornob’s system of instant verdicts, his methods and his madness for all of three hours last Wednesday: “St Doornob operates on two principles, which our courts could learn from to speed up the delivery of justice. Unlike our legal system, where cases can languish for decades, St Doornob believes fervently in the adage that justice delayed is justice denied. This is why he delivers verdicts even before the hearings begin.” “The second principle is derived from theology. Based on the premise that everyone is a sinner, he sends everyone to hell. However, St Doornob also believes that the quality of mercy is not strained. He often sends sinners to hell not on the same day, but a couple of days later.” According to Vikatakavi, St Doornob’s take-no-prisoners style of functioning leaves the accused – almost everyone is an accused in his court – space only for confessions. There is no place for explanations and defence, only mea culpas. And the verdict is always guilty. [caption id=“attachment_208428” align=“alignleft” width=“380” caption=“PTI”]  [/caption] Vikatakavi, who managed to get himself injected into JusticeNow’s studio pretending to be a make-up artist, went into this project with doubt in his heart but has come away a true believer in St Doorknob’s tactics and philosophy. “You may quibble at his methods, which may sometimes seem harsh or even bizarre, but you can never doubt his commitment to justice,” he says. During our debriefing session with Vikatakavi, we also asked him how he (St Doornob) got his name. After all, not too many parents operate under the surname Ghostwarning or name their offspring Doornobs. Vikatakavi gave us the inside dope on this. What he has gathered was that someone on his staff saw that his hands were always metaphorically on the doornob which opened the way to purgatory. He was always itching to send his next victim there. Hence the first name, which His Eminence apparently liked very much and made his official call-sign. As for the surname, surviving victims – of whom we have seen only a few — often emerge from his grilling as if they have seen a ghost. Hence, this part of the name came from his victims who emerge dazed and vow never to go in again. But such is his power, that they masochistically go back for another flogging every time. Ghostwarning works only sometimes. Given below are the transcripts of our sting operation on St Doornob Ghostwarning. Vikatakavi conducted his sting ops on the same day when the Karnataka Porngate was hitting the newswires. We bring you excerpts from the conversations that happened before, during and after the show, JudgmentHour. The transcript begins in the makeup room of JusticeNow, where His Eminence was being given an air-brushing and touch-ups by our undercover operative. With him were his news and TRP managers. St Doornob: What have we today, Newsie? Something I can really sink my teeth into… Don’t bring me the usual 2G chaps. I am sick of them… NewsEd: No, Your Eminence. We have an extra juicy subject today. Some ministers in Karnataka were watching porn on their mobiles in the assembly and…. St Doornob (frothing at the mouth): What, they are watching porn, when there is JusticeNow? How can they… TRP Manager: Relax, Door, our TRPs are doing fine, they are no threat… St Doornob (angrily): What do you mean they are no threat? If someone can watch porn in the assembly when they can rush to the well of house or throw mikes about, it means they are finding other forms of entertainment. It is an existential threat to JusticeNow. TRP Manager: Calm down, calm down. We are not competing with a state assembly for TRPs… St Doornob (raising his voice): What rot. We compete with all forms of entertainment. If you don’t believe that, you should look for another job. In fact, I want this tested right today – do an anonymous telephonic survey or something. When my programme JudgmentHour goes on air, check out how many people are watching it, and how many are watching porn at the same time…I hope the assembly is in session… TRP Manager: Okay, okay, will get it done, but… St Doornob: You can go now. About the show today, who have we called? NewsEd: We have called Four Women – two from political parties Congress and BJP, one Socialite and Best-selling Author, and one who represents a women’s organisation. St Doornob: Why, do these women watch porn? NewsEd: No, no. Quite the contrary. Three of them are bitter critics of porn – they will breathe fire and brimstone…. St Doornob: But that’s my job, not theirs. I am the judge and prosecutor. They have no right to fire and brimstone. They should be cowering in the corner… NewsEd (Mortified): I thought you might want people who thought like you… St Doornob: No, I want only victims, who I can verbally torture, put on the rack or waterboard or whatever. Why do I need allies for this task? And who’s the bakra for today anyway? NewsEd: The BJP spokesperson Nir…. St Doornob: I know who she is. I think I will need a different News Head if I have only one victim in my show. I am not known to take any hostages. What will people think? That St Doornob has gone soft in his head? NewsEd: No, no, of course not. St Doornob: And I want more graphics – I am tired of you guys using some fire around words like “The burning question”. Isn’t it possible to do something more innovative? Can’t we, for example, insert some horns on our guests during the show to make them look like the embodiment of Evil? Or maybe dunce caps, when they look like fools – as I often make them look? NewsEd: Sure, and would you like some headgear of your own? St Doornob: No, I am a simple man. I don’t want the spotlight on myself. St Doornob (musing): Maybe a halo occasionally will do. Okay, enough. When’s the show beginning? NewsEd: You go on the air in two minutes. I have put a ringing script on the teleprompter… St Doornob: I don’t need no teleprompter. I have it all here (tapping his head). Okay, here we go. Continues on the next page The show goes on the air St Doornob: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. On JudgmentHour tonight, we ask the question: How low can our politicians sink? They are corrupt, they are crooked, they are devious, they are hypocritical, but now we find that they are watching pornographic films. P-o-r-n-o-g-r-a-p-h-i-c films. And not just in the privacy of their homes. They are doing it in broad daylight, in the legislative assembly – yes, you heard that right, the l-e-g-i-s-l-a-t-i-v-e assemblies, the temples of our democracy, the place where we expect our lawmakers to make laws for us, the place where we expect our representative to talk, debate, shed light and work for you and me. But what do we find? Not just that many of them are sleeping on the job, but when they are awake they are watching pornographic films. P-o-r-n-o-g-r-a-p-h-i-c films. How debauched and debased can our legislators get? To ask this question and get some answers, we have on JudgmentHour four experts – not on pornography, but on what’s going wrong with our politicians. We have a spokesperson from the BJP, a representative from a women’s organisation, a Congress spokesperson, and a popular Socialite and Author… So ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Let me start with you first, Ms BJP Spokesperson. How can you defend the indefensible? Why has your party not thrown out the people involved instantly. BJP Spokesperson: Our national president has already said he is shocked, and the three people have resigned from the ministry… St Doornob: But why haven’t they been thrown up for their debauchery and defilement of the precincts of this hallowed assembly. My mind boggles, how can you allow this to happen in our democracy? BJP Spokesperson: I was just coming to that… St Doornob: How can your party keep such people for even one minute. India wants to know, can such people be allowed to stay outside jail for even a second? Answer that question… BJP Spokesperson: That is what I was trying… St Doornob: You have evaded my question. It escapes me how the party which takes the moral high ground can allow such scum to remain even for a second…Let me turn to the Congress spokesperson, who I can see is already smirking at your discomfiture… Congress Spokesperson: I was not smirking. This is not a party issue, but a question of women’s honour and dignity. The BJP acts holier-then-thou and then when it is time to act, it does nothing… BJP Spokesperson: We are not doing nothing… St Doornob: What would you have done in the BJP’s place, Ms Smirksome… Congress Spokesperson: We would have thrown them out in a jiffy. BJP Spokesperson: All the ministers who are responsible for the 2G and CWG scams at still there with their jobs – Chidambaram, Shiela Dikshit, the Goa CM… Congress Spokesperson: This is not a party thing… St Doornob: Ladies, ladies, let’s not fight. This JudgmentHour is not about any ordinary corruption scams, it’s about porn. The sensational TV clip that you are seeing right now on your screens, which JudgmentNow has got hold of, is being shown the first time on an English channel. Others may also have got it, but we got to it first. Ladies and Gentlemen, you are watching not a quiet discussion between two ministers in the Karnataka Assembly, nor are they sharing notes on a piece of legislation, but this is a real horror show. The two ministers are watching porn on mobile phone in the assembly. It may not look like porn to you, but that’s because we have kept our viewers’ sensibilities in mind and pixellated the moving images.. the gentlemen – and we can’t call them gentlemen anymore – are watching porn not in their homes, but in the l-e-g-i-s-l-a-t-i-v-e assembly. How can these people still be in the assembly, this house of democracy which we all worship, where we send our representatives to work on our behalf and provide services to the poor, and whom we are paying good money? Why are we paying them our hard-earned money to watch porn on our time? Let me ask our Socialite friend and Author about this…why are we paying them to watch porn? Socialite and Author: Absolutely, this is completely unacceptable. We live in a sick society and many of our legislators do not seem to know how to control their sexual curiosity even in the assembly… St Doornob: We live in a sick society. And dear BJP Spokesperson, can you explain to us why you are keeping these sick men in the party even for a minute… BJP Spokesperson: Our party president has said action will be taken. And they have resigned as ministers. Our party leader in the Rajya Sabha has unequivocally… St Doornob: And let’s hear from the representative of a women’s organisation who has been waiting patiently… Women’s Rep: I think such shameful acts are unpardonable and… St Doornob: Why haven’t they been thrown out…You are defending the indefensible, Ms BJP… BJP spokesperson: I am not defending it. We have said we will enquire into it and… St Doornob: What am I hearing? When we should be tearing them to pieces – metaphorically speaking – we are going to conduct enquiries and stall. How much lower must our moral standards fall? Where is the Sri Ram Sene, which made such a fuss about girls going to a pub? Now, there is debauchery going on in the assembly and they are silent. Stone, cold silent. How can we allow our elected representatives to watch porn when they could be watching this show? When are we going to say enough is enough, and chuck them out of the assembly, with or without their mobile phones. When are we going to rise up in anger and say, “No more.” We don’t want these kinds of people disgracing our parties and our politics and our parliament and assemblies… Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we stand ashamed – yes, ashamed – of the conduct of our representatives. Do these people have any right to call themselves representatives? Or even human beings…They stand condemned in the eyes of society, their own eyes…What a shame. For coming to JudgmentHour tonight, thank all you guests tonight. And coming up next on JudgmentHour, just after the short break, is a horrifying story of… (Editor’s note: We have edited out the rest of the transcript for reasons of economy of space, but the rest of the report of our sting operator Vikatakavi follows, and this is the transcript of what happened after the show.) St Doornob: How did I do? Was I hard enough? NewsEd: I saw the BJP spokesperson going red in the face and cringing every minute. I think she slinked off after the show. St Doornob: Next time when we are talking porn, get the men. They make for better victims in such subjects. And where is our TRP chief and the Make-up man? TRP Manager: Right, here, sir. St Doornob: Did you do the instant poll? TRP Manager: We did a telephonic poll asking three questions to 1,000 traditional porn watchers: whether they were watching JudgmentHour right now, whether they were watching porn, and whether some who watched porn moved to JudgmentHour during the show. St Doornob: And… TRP Manager (Downcast): More people still watched porn. 50 percent of them said they preferred it to JudgmentHour, but among the 50 who shifted preference during the hour, 40 said they would go out for a walk, and the remaining 10 said they watched JudgmentHour. This is our conversion target. St Doornob: Doesn’t seem like much… TRP Manager: Yes, but I probed further. I asked the people who watched JudgmentHour why they switched? Seems they were into sado-masochism and suchlike activities. This is our growth area. Seems they get a similar high from our programme… St Doornob: How can I get a larger share of the porn audience… Make-up man (in jest): Maybe you could change you name to Pornob… St Doornob: You think….Why, I think you are having me on. No one pokes fun at St Doornob and gets away with it. Guards, arrest him, I think we have been sent a spy from our competitors CantBan18 or Needy TV…. (Editor’s note: Our Sting Artist’s cover was blown at this point when he made an unnecessary intervention. He managed to escape by jumping from the window, but we are currently holding him in a safe house till the anger of St Doornob subsides after he finds his next victim.)