Listen up Congress! Here's a helpful guide to make a shuddh desi Rahul Gandhi

What did Rahul Gandhi do wrong this year, apart from valiantly snatching the biggest-disaster-ever crown from Ram Gopal Verma Ki Aag and gifting it to Congress? Some Congress leaders have found a definitive reason why Gandhi lost out in this year’s polls. According to a report on NDTV, it his lack of ‘desi-ness’. That is, to be fair, just one of his problem areas. Among other things, he was advised, apparently by actor Chiranjeevi, to ‘smile’ more. The Gandhi family might have nightmares about the boy’s smile-timing, but Congress is of the option that the Air India’s Maharaja is an example he should still follow. And smile through his tribulations. [caption id=“attachment_1843205” align=“alignleft” width=“380”]  Rahul Gandhi. AFP.[/caption] He was also asked to be more ‘people-friendly’. NDTV reports: “A consensus view was that Congress leaders seemed arrogant. ‘Why don’t you act more friendly with the media?’ said one Congress leader to Mr Gandhi while another added, ‘You could put your hand on their shoulder.’ So if you get a tap from Rahul Gandhi, you’ll know he’s just trying to be friendly. But while taps and smiles can win friends and influence people, the un-desi-ness is the biggest handicap in Indian politics. While he might have been spotted in white kurta pyajamas in all rallies and murdered the word ‘system’ the way most Indians on Facebook have defiled the word ‘friendship’, Congress leaders feel that he was definitely lacking the critical desi touch. Since it is clear that the Congress could come up with few ideas ways to enhance Gandhi’s desi boy quotient, we have decided to help them and draw up a definite list of things Gandhi could learn to do to go native. Basically you’re not an aam aadmi until: 1. You have urinated in public. What screams ‘India’ more than butter chicken and Falguni Pathak? Those Indian men who pioneered jugaad and turned walls into loos. You can say the innovation that turns walls into urinals was also one of the earliest and most successful public-private partnerships India has ever witnessed. ‘Got a wall, shall pee’ sees the walls of government buildings and those of people’s private homes come together in service of the aam aadmi’s impatient bladder. Until Rahul Gandhi has endorsed it and modelled for the same, how does he expect to be taken seriously? 2. You have misspelled ‘friendship’ on Facebook That should come easily the Gandhi. Twisting words out of shape and speaking in the most befuddling English ever comes to him easily. After all, ‘poverty is a state of mind’ and ‘India is beehive’ were all his sayings. How difficult would it be for him to come up with, ‘wanna make frandship’ like friendship is an omlette or a pancake? 3. You have a ‘Being Human’ tee shirt How are you a desi until you have worn your humanity on your sleeve… erm, chest? ‘Being Human’ is a paragon of national integrity, given that it can be spotted in posh air-conditioned stores, online shops and in road side stalls. It can be spotted everywhere, from kurta-loving Kolkata to everything-loving Mumbai. It makes for stronger human beings, since no one who wears it seems apologetic about their dubious fashion sense or baffling display of life hacks. More so, it convincingly dislodged ‘I Love New York’ from the most popular tee shirt slogan in India - oh so desi! Unless his wardrobe becomes human, Gandhi has no hope in India. 4. You have haggled well This is another skill Gandhi should excel in, we suspect. Remember how he told off Narendra Modi and compared the price at which he was selling land with that of a toffee. Now those are analogies that make every prolific vegetable shopper in India proud. “Tamatar hai ki sona (Are these tomatoes or gold)?’, ‘Alu bech rahe ho ki Taj Mahal (Are you selling potatoes or the Taj Mahal)?‘how many times have you overheard someone say this to the perplexed vegetable vendor. It’s a pity Gandhi didn’t follow up his ‘zameen hai ki toffee’, with more pronounced analogies. He would have then had half of India by his side! 5. You can quote Sholay in your sleep Now, that is an epic fail, bigger than Flipkart’s Big Billion Day sale, bigger than Jab Tak Hai Jaan, bigger than soy milk smoothies. If you cannot quote Sholay, you are not desi enough. And come to think of it, those dialogues were meant for a political rally in India. For example: “Yeh Gujarat mujhe de de thakur…” or “Door kisi gaaon mein jab bachcha rota hai to maa kehti hai, beta so ja, nahin toh Modi aa jayega!” Get it? At the very least he should share a selfie from an economy class seat reading Chetan Bhagat’s Half Girlfriend.