Italian marines' return: 3 theories of rightwing theology

What the good lord giveth, he has sadly taken away. The Italian marine debacle was a veritable blessing for UPA-haters. It was the sublime symbol of the ruling government’s most grievous sins: Manmohan’s incurable pusillanimity and Sonia Gandhi’s nefarious Italian Connection. Conspiracy theories abounded with the pied piper of invective, Subramanian Swamy leading the way: “My friends abroad have confirmed this Italian trick on our nation is due to personal monitoring of TDK thru Ms Kaur the MoS in MEA.” But now the marines are on their way back in an unexpected diplomatic turnaround that would boggle lesser minds. What is a Congress-loather to do? Since giving credit, however modest, to the UPA government would be downright sacrilegious, the need of the hour is an Olympian jump to self-serving conclusions. A heroic act of logic-twisting triage that can repair this unwonted intrusion into the rightwing bubble.  When life gives you lemons, it’s time to make some Kool-aid. Here are the top rightwing explanations as to why the return of the marines is irrefutable confirmation of the core precepts of rightwing theology. Swamy is always king Subramanian Swamy has been accused of many sins, but false modesty is not one of them. He is not one to deny credit where he insists its due — which, inevitably, to him. “The original plan was that Marines would not return, Ambassador would be expelled and Italy will not expose ’the family,’” he explained on Twitter, a devious plot foiled singlehandedly by our superman who asked the Chief Justice of India to take suo motu cognisance of the matter and prevent the Ambassador from leaving the country. “Had I not turned up in SC and asked for restraining the Amb and an exhange of hot words with CJI, the matter would have…” Swamy tweeted, leaving us to imagine the pitiful state of nation’s honour if he had failed to intervene. [caption id=“attachment_671626” align=“alignleft” width=“380”] The two Italian marines in this file photo. AP[/caption] As all right-thinking people know, it’s a short hop from from Swamy’s lips to the Chief Justices’ ears. No doubt, left to its own devices, the Supreme Court would have rolled over and played dead. Surely, it is no coincidence that our nation’s highest court issued a stern warning to the Italian Ambassador soon after his heroic action. His latest triumph merely confirms what all rightwingers already know: Super Swamy, tussi truly great ho! Now if only you could singlehandedly nuke Pakistan and push all those Muslims into the sea (as you once promised), all would be truly right with the world. MMS is a wimp When the Italian government refused to return the marines, it was tom-tomed as yet more damning proof of Manmohan Singh’s ‘bended knee’ foreign policy. BJP leader Arun Jaitley accused him of being “helpless” in the face of “enemy action.” His government’s success in securing their return has not, however, earned him any redemption. If anything, it confirms yet again that our prime minister has succumbed again, though this time to political pressure from the valiant opposition party. “Our government has therefore insisted that the Italian authorities respect the undertakings they have given to the honourable Supreme Court and return the two accused persons to stand trial in India. If they do not keep their word there will be consequences for our relations with Italy,” the prime minister declared, his flailing spine valiantly bolstered by the BJP. And it’s the BJP again which ought to be credited for their return, even if it is the BJP that says so. “Must say the combined effort of the Opposition to persuade the government to carry on its diplomacy seems to have worked. The tough stand taken by the Supreme Court also had its impact,” said BJP spokesman Rajiv Pratap Rudy, careful omitting any kudos to the minions who actually engaged in the menial work of ‘diplomacy.’ The Italian hand is everywhere When the marines skipped town,  BJP spokesman Prakash Javadekar was quick to allege “diplomatic collusion” with Rome, raising the ‘Maino connection’ by innuendo: “When it comes to Italy, why does the government’s stand becomes soft?” Swamy, however, was more blunt, if not accurate: “TDK interested because one of the marines is a special friend of her close relative.” Now that the boys are coming back, some eagle-eyed observers have once again spotted the Italian hand behind the scenes. “Italian marines have been sent back to India under the Sonia Gandhi Sasuraal Bachao Scheme,” tweeted Financial Express editor Sunil Jain. The more inspired versions of the same theory include : “So Italians have agreed to send back the 2 marines. I now wonder was this stage managed to show Sonia batting for India defying home Italy.” Irrespective of why the UPA government’s ‘diplomacy’ may have worked, it remains a shady ‘back room deal." After all, these guys are Italian! It surely explains why our wimpy government brokered such a weak agreement. Not only have we assured Rome that the “fundamental rights” of the marines will be protected — shock, horror! — but they will be hosted at the Italian Embassy during the course of the trial, as opposed to our nasty jails. Worse, there is already talk that they may never have to even if they are found guilty, and will transferred instead to a prison back home. The upside of this latest ’theory’ is that the verdict in the case is now moot. We can already confirm that the Italians will once again be let off the hook. Everyone has their ideological blinkers, be they leftwing or right. There is also no shortage of reasonable people on the right who don’t allow their bias to get into the way of facing facts. When the rightwing twitterati began to beat the Sonia-is-Italian drum during the marines face-off, Wall Street Journal columnist Sadanand Dhume tweeted, “Hate to be a party pooper, but you can’t blame Sonia Gandhi for this fiasco just because the absconding marines happen to be Italian.”  And when Ministry of External Affairs spokesman Syed Akbaruddin broke the news of their return, Takashila director Nitin Pai responded, “Good news. Congratulations are in order.” But in the case of many Congress-haters, political beliefs have hardened into religious tautology. It doesn’t matter what the UPA government does, its actions yield the exact same conclusion. So in the end, it doesn’t matter that Italy succumbed to pressure from Delhi and the Supreme Court; or that the deal was, for better or worse, pushed through by the UPA government; or that diplomacy necessarily entails making some concessions; or that the families of the fishermen now have some hope of justice. What matters is to assure ourselves of what remains forever, irrefutably true: right-wingers are almighty; Manmohan Singh is weak; and Sonia is a foreign devil.